Tough Love
B=Buffy, G=Giles, X=Xander, W=Willow, S=Spike, A=AnyaD=Dawn, T=Tara, Gl=Glory, Bn=Ben
Prof. Lillian: I'm glad you like poetry, Buffy.
B: I wish I had time for it. But I just don't right now.
Prof. Lillian: Well, maybe short poems.
B: Like those Japanese ones that... um, sound like a sneeze?
Prof. Lillian: Haiku?
Bn: Can I just tell you its not my fault?
Dr. Ben's Ex-Boss: Sure. You can also tell me that the dog ate your homework. Or maybe eating Twinkies made you do it. Or maybe, yeah, that there's really a wicked demonic creature living inside you that takes control of your body and forces you to do its bidding.
Bn: This is so unfair. You're taking everything away from me. Everything I worked for, I earned, I care about. These are my choices, this is my life, and you're ruining it! <sways> No. No. Not here. Not now. Please. I'm Ben. I'm Ben! I'm Ben, I'm Ben, I'm Ben, I'm Ben, I'm Ben, I'm Ben!
<morphs>
Gl: I'm hungry!
GL: <sigh> They got this part right that's for sure. A lot of sucky things in this dimension. Bubble bath-- not one of them!
GL: I asked for The Key and you brought me a vampire. A pulseless, impure, follically-fried vampire. Loofah!
B: You lied to me?
D: I didn't lie... exactly...
B: Oh, really? What about all those times I asked you how school was and you said, "Fine"?
D: Well, it was! You didn't ask if I was in it when it was fine...
X: Honey. Old saying: A watched customer never buys.
A: They would if they were patriotic!
X: <sotto voce to Willow> O.k., I'm going in. <to Anya> "Patriotic"?
A: Yes! I've recently come to realize that there is more to me than just being human. I'm also an American.
G: Yes, I suppose you are, in a manner of speaking. I mean, you were born here -- your mortal self.
A: <to Giles> Well that's right, foreigner! <to Willow & Xander> So I've been reading a lot about the Good 'Ol Us of A, embracing the extraordinarily precious ideology that has helped to shape and define it.
W: Democracy?
A: Capitalism!
A: Look at 'em! Perusing the shelves, undressing the merchandise with their eyeballs! All ogle, no cash. It's not just annoying, it's Un-American.
G: Appalling. Almost as if they no longer believe money can buy happiness.
A: Oh! And you know what else is un-American? French people!
W: You don't say.
A: From what I hear, they don't tip. French old people, now that's really the bottom of the barrel.
X: An! Hows about we try being just a bit less prejudiced and a bit more inclusive. Not us -- just you.
X: Hey, what's up? It's Dawn Giovanni and the Buffster!
X: And that's cool too. Whatever you choose, you've got my support. Just think of me as... as your... uh, you know I'm searching for supportive things and I'm coming up all "bras", so something slightly more manly -- think of me as that.
B: I want you to do it. You can be the foot-putting-down-er!
G: No, Buffy, I don't think I can.
B: Please! Pretty please! I mean your foot is way bigger than mine... and you're so much more grown up than me!
B: Right. She needs me. Me the grown-up. The authority figure. The strong guiding hand and stompy foot that is me!
G: That's the spirit.
B: O.K. I can do this.
G: I know you can.
B: Please!
G: No.
W: So we made a triangle with our bodies. And that's when I called Xander obtuse, and he got really grumpy. And then Dawn said we were a-cute triangle and, well, hilarity ensued.
W: Don't be grumpy with her! Who among us can resist the allure of really funny math puns?
B: It's really important that Dawn finishes her schoolwork right now.
W: Yeah, I know, but we were having good, clean, educational fun, and then all of a sudden it was all gloom and doom and the outlawing of human triangles.
B: It's really important that Dawn finishes her schoolwork right now.
W: I know it is. And I'm a big fan of school! You know me, I'm, like, "Go school! It's your birthday!"... or something to that effect.
W: I'd be totally blowing off classes if I were in Dawny's shoes.
T: Sweetie, you wouldn't blow off a class if your head was on fire.
T: No, please! I mean, tell me if I said something wrong. Otherwise I know I'll say it again -- probably often and in public.
T: Is that "no" spelled "y-e-s"?
W: S-o-r-t of.
W: Well I took Psych 101. I mean, I took it from an evil government scientist who was skewered by her Frankenstein-like creation before the final, but I know what a Freudian slip is.
W: I'm really sorry I didn't establish my lesbo street cred before I got into this relationship!
B: O.K., so... I think the next step is to make a chart. A schedule. I'll write down all the things you're supposed to do and when you have to do them, and then I'll leave a box next to it which you can mark with an "X" when you've accomplished the task. <off Dawn's look> What? You want gold stars? O.K., you can have gold stars.
B: This is for real, Dawn.
D: No, it's not. I'm not real, so why would my exciting graph of chores be real? Who cares if The Key gets an education anyway?
G: I hope this isn't a return. Everyone wants petrified hamsters, and they're never happy with them.
G: You all right?
W: Yeah.
G: Ah, yes, because your good mood is both obvious and contagious.
Minion: I will not betray Glorificus! I will never talk, no matter what heinous tort...
G: Actually you're talking quite a lot, just not about the right things. Tell us why you're here.
Minion: No word shall pass my lips that would bring peril to Glorificus!
G: Girls, get the twine that's on the counter. Let's tie him up.
<sickening off-screen crunch while their backs are turned>
Minion: Aggh! Don't! I'll tell you anything! Please! Whatever you want! Just... anything!
A: What happened?
G: He changed his mind.
Gl: Think about it. You think your hand hurts? Imagine what you'd feel with my fingers wiggling in your brain. It doesn't kill you. What it does is make you feel like you're in a noisy, little dark room, naked and ashamed. And there are things in the dark that need to hurt you, because you're bad. Little pinching things that go in your ears, and crawl on the inside of your skull. And you know that if the noise of the crawling would stop, that you could remember how to get out... but you never, ever will.
X: Man, words cannot express how much I hate this place.
G: It's dreadful.
A: It's like communism.
X: Willow, no. It's just for one night.
W: Yeah, I know. But it's a whole night. I don't think I can sleep without her.
A: You can sleep with me! <off everyone's looks> Well now that came out a lot more lesbian than it sounded in my head.
Gl: You know, I think I'm a little buzzed from eating that witch. What a mind she had! Mmmm, nummy treat.
Gl: Did anybody order an apocalypse?
S: So you're saying that a powerful and mightily pissed-off witch was planning on going and spilling herself a few pints of god-blood until you, what... explained?
B: What, you think she... no. I told Willow it would be, like, suicide.
S: <shrug> I'd do it. <off her look> Right person. Person I loved. I'd do it.
GL: What's this? Bag of tricks?
W: Bag of knives.
Gl: You know what they used to do to witches, lover? They used to crucify them.
B: <grabbing her wrist> They used to bow down to gods. <fight> Things change.
B: Chicken salad.
W: Right Here.
B: Eggplant -- that's me.
B: Salami with... ew... peanut butter? -- Dawn.
D: Yeah, like eggplant is normal. It's what? Half egg, half plant? That's just unnatural.
T: No! The place is cracking! It's cracking. Cracking! No, oh, no!
D: No, Tara, It's o.k.
T: <looking at her> Look at that. Look at that! Oh, the light! So pure. Such pure green energy! It's so beautiful....