School Hard

B=Buffy, G=Giles, X=Xander, W=Willow, A=Angel, C=Cordelia
JC=Jenny Calendar, J=Joyce, PS=Principal Snyder
S=Spike, D=Druscilla, A1=Anointed One

Sh=Sheila

PS: A lot of educators tell students, "Think of your principal as your pal." I say, think of me as your judge, jury, and executioner.

PS: On the one hand, Buffy hasn't stabbed a horticulture teacher with a trowel.
Sh: I didn't stab anyone with a trowel. They were pruning shears.
PS: On the other hand, Sheila has never burned down a school building.
B: Well, that was never proven. The fire marshal said it could have been mice.
PS: Mice.
B: Mice that were smoking?
PS: The two of you seem to be tied in the class-cutting and fight-starting events. You really are neck-and-neck. It's quite exciting.
Sh: What does the winner get?
PS: Expelled.

PS: Your parents - assuming you have any, will meet your teachers - assuming you have any left.

PS: Are we clear?
B: I'm clear. Don't you feel clear? We're very clear.

B: That's what my mom sees when she looks at me - a Sheila.

X: Sheila's definitely intense. That guy with her - that's the one she _can_ bring home to mother.

W: She was already smoking in fifth grade. Once I was lookout for her.
X: You're bad to the bone.
W: I'm a rebel.

B: I'm a Slayer. It requires a certain amount of cutting and fighting. What's Sheila's excuse?
X: Homework. She won't do it. And most teachers respect that now. Oh, you might want to keep away any sharp implements when you're working with her.

X: As long as nothing really bad happens between now and then, you'll be fine.
B: Are you crazy?! Why did you say that? Now something bad's going to happen.
X: What do you mean? Nothing's going to happen.
W: Not until some dummy says, "As long as nothing bad happens."
B: It's the ultimate jinx.
W: What were you thinking? Or were you even thinking at all?
X: Well, you guys don't know. Maybe this time it'll be different.

//thud// //screech//
S: Home, sweet home.

Vamp: When I kill her, it'll be the greatest event since the crucifixion. And I should know. I was there.
S: _You_ were there? Oh, please! If every vampire who said he was at the crucifixion was actually there, it would have been like Woodstock.

S: I was actually at Woodstock. That was a weird gig. I fed off a flower person, and I spent the next six hours watching my hand move.

S: So, who do you kill for fun around here?

S: Do you know what I found works real good with Slayers? Killing them.

S: Yeah, I did a couple Slayers in my time. I don't like to brag. Who am I kidding? I _love_ to brag!

D: Look at all the people. Are these nice people?
S: We're getting along.

D: Do you like daisies? I plant them, but they always die. Everything I put in the ground withers and dies.

S: Me and Dru, we're moving in. Now, any of you want to test who's got the biggest wrinklies around here, step on up.

D: Kill her for Princess?
S: I'll chop her into messes.
D: You are my sweet, my little Spike.

B: I spent a good part of my allowance on this new creme rinse, and it's neither creamy nor rinsey.
J: Life is hard, dear.
B: Don't I know it. Is that a split end?

J: So, what do you think your teachers are going to tell me about you?
B: Well, I think they'll all agree that I always bring a pen to class, ready to absorb the knowledge.

B: What can you really tell about a person from a test score?
J: Whether or not she's ever going out with her friends again.
B: Oh, that.

J: Wait until you get a job.
B: I have a job.

W: Sheila's a no-show? She goes to this really rank bar, the Fish Tank. Sometimes they have raids and other stuff that could make you tardy.

W: I thought we were going to the Bronze tonight. 'Cause of how you thought Angel might show?
X: If he does, he'll meet some other nice girl. Studying comes first!
B: We're going to the Bronze.

B: I can study and party and do parent/teacher night and make my mother proud, as long as I don't have to...
G: Buffy!
B: ...fight vampires.

JC: Rupert, you have got to read something that was published after 1066.

G: This Saturday is the night of St. Vigeous.
B: Let me guess - he didn't make balloon animals.

B: Well, if I survive parent/teacher night tomorrow, I'll see what I can do about Saturday.
G: You're being a tad flip, don't you think? This is serious.
B: And getting kicked out of school is laughs aplenty?

B: If my slaying doesn't get me expelled, then I promise my banner-making won't get me killed, okay?

X: Yeah, I'll whittle stakes.
W: And I can research stuff.
X: And while I'm whittling, I plan to whistle a jaunty tune.

G: You are, after all, the slay...
JC: *ahem!*
G: Slay... uh, slaves. You're all slaves to the, uh, television.
JC: Yes.
G: Young people nowadays... Shall we go?
JC: Let's.

PS: You wouldn't be helping Buffy in Sheila's place, would you?
W: No, we're hindering.

PS: Hmmm! I feel an expulsion coming on.

Sh: Did you really burn down a school building one time?
B: Well, not actually _one_ time.
Sh: Cool!

B: Was it wrong? Should I use the plural?
W: No. But you said, "The cow should touch me from Thursday."
B: Maybe that's what I was feeling.
W: And you said it wrong.
B: Oh, je stink!
W: You're just not focused. It's Angel missage.

X: Come on, one dance. You've been studying like 12 minutes?
B: No wonder my brain's fried.

S: Go get something to eat.

S: Where's the phone? I need to call the police. There's some big guy out there trying to bite someone.

Vamp: Slayer.
B: Slayee.

B: Get her out of here! And a stake would be nice!

B: What happens on Saturday?
S: I kill you.

Sh: Who are you?
S: Who do you want me to be?

G: Spike? That's what the other vampire called him? It's a little unorthodox, isn't it?
B: Maybe he's Reform.

X: So, this night of St. Vigeous deal, if they're going to attack in force, aren't we thinking vacation?
W: We can't run, that would be wrong. Could we hide? I mean, if that Spike guy is leading the attack... yeee!

G: Well, he can't be any worse than any other creature you've faced.
A: He's worse. Once he starts something, he doesn't stop, until everything in his path is dead.
X: So he's thorough, goal-oriented.

B: I was being cool. Come on, you've been dating for what, like 200 years, you don't know what a girl means when she says maybe she'll show?
W: Wow. Two centuries of dating. If you only had two a year, that's still, like, 400 dates with 400 different... Why do they call it a mace?

G: We do have slightly more urgent matters to discuss.
B: Yeah, like keeping my mom away from Principal Snyder tomorrow night.
JC: And not dying Saturday.

X: Okay, that's it. I'm putting a collar with a little bell on that guy.

D: Miss Edith speaks out of turn, and will have no cakes today.

S: This is the place for us. The Hellmouth will restore you. Put color in your cheeks, metaphorically speaking.

S: God, this town will burn.
D: A pretty fire.

S: All right, I"ll go up and get shanty with the fellas, but you got to do me one favor: eat something.

X: Does anyone remember when Saturday night meant date night?
C: You sure don't.

C: My fingers are cramping. How long have I been doing this?
X: Three minutes.

C: We're still all rooting for you on Saturday. I'd be there for you myself if I didn't have a leg wax.

W: What kind of punch did you make?
B: Uh, lemonade. I made it fresh and everything.
W: How much sugar did you use?
B: Sugar?

C: Giles has us locked up in that library working on your weapons. Even slaves get minimum wage.

C: You're starting to look a little slagged. What, are you just skipping foundation entirely now?
B: Cordelia, I have at least three lives to contend with, none of which really mesh. It's kind of like oil, and water, and a third unmeshable thing.
C: Yeah, and I can see the oil. Is that your mom? Now, that is a woman that knows how to moisturize. Did it, like, skip a generation?

C: When they're done talking...
B: What?
C: My guess? Tenth high school reunion, you'll still be grounded.
W: Cordelia, have some lemonade.

B: Um, but you haven't seen the boiler room yet, and you know that's really interesting, what with the boiler being in the room and all.

X: That's a bad look, right?

S: What can I say? I couldn't wait.

S: I'm a veal kind of guy. You're too old to eat. //crunch!// But not to kill. I feel better.

X: I'm not going anywhere until I know that Buffy and Willow are all right.

S: Slayer... here, kitty, kitty... I find one of your friends first, I'm gonna suck him dry, and use their bones to bash your head in. Are you getting a word picture here?

PS: Who do you think you are?
B: I'm the one that knows how to stop them.

S: ./~Someone's in the ceiling... .~/

PS: This is my school. What I say goes, and I say this is _not_ happening.
J: Well, then I guess the danger's over!

PS: I'm beginning to see a certain mother/daughter resemblance.

X: You got a plan? //grab// Good plan!

S: Come up against this Slayer yet?
A: She's cute. Not too bright, though. Gave the puppy-dog "I'm all tortured" act. Keeps her off my back when I feed.
S: People still fall for that Anne Rice routine? What a world.
X: I knew you were lying. Undead... liar guy.
A: Want a bite before we kill her, hmmm?

S: This tortured thing is an act, right? You're not... house-broken?

A: I'll just feed and run.

S: You were my sire, man! You were my... Yoda.
A: Things change.
S: Not us! Not demons. Man, I can't believe this. You Uncle Tom!

S: Fe, fi, fo, fum. I smell the blood of a nice... ripe... girl.
B: Do we really need weapons for this?
S: I just like them. They make me feel all manly.

B: You shouldn't have come here.
S: No, I messed up your doilies and stuff.

S: I'll tell you what. As a personal favor from me to you, I'll make it quick. It won't hurt a bit.
B: No, Spike, it's going to hurt a lot.

J: You get the hell away from my daughter.
S: Women!
J: Nobody lays a hand on my little girl.

JC: Well, another wonderful fun-filled evening.
G: Yes, you know, uh, I will understand if you decide to start avoiding me.

X: So when you gave him my neck to chew on, why didn't you clock him before he had a chance to clock you?
A: I told you, I couldn't make the first move. I had to see if he was buying it or not.
X: And if he bit me, what then?
A: We would have known he bought it.

X: What's the deal with you being his sire? What's a sire?

C: And if you get me out of this, I swear I'll never be mean to anyone ever again. Unless they really deserve it. Or if it's that time of the month, in which case, I don't think you or anyone else can hold me responsible...
W: Ask for some aspirin.
C: And can you please send some asp... hey!

S: A slayer with family and friends. That sure as hell wasn't in the brochure.

S: How's the annoying one?
D: He doesn't want to play.

S: From now on, we're going to have a little less ritual, and a little more fun around here. Let's see what's on TV.

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