The Replacement
B=Buffy, G=Giles, X=Xander, W=Willow, R=Riley, S=Spike, A=Anya, D=DawnT=Tara, J=Joyce
X: I wish I had something food-like to offer you guys, but the hot-plate's out of commission.
A: We think the cat peed on it.
X: I do have spaghetti-o's. Set 'em on top of the dryer, and you're a fluff cycle away from lukewarm goodness.
R: Yeah, I had dryer-food for lunch.
X: Guess the folks are back.
X: Yeah, maybe it's definitely time to start looking for a new place... something a little nicer. Buffy, you've been to hell. They had one-bedrooms, right?
B: Hey! I'm enjoying the studying.
B: I guess it has been a long day with the Crusades. I could take a little break from the violence for some... ooh, fighting!
X: Incompetently dubbed kung-fu. Our most valuable Chinese import.
B: See? Now with the flying kick, from a dead stop. What's powering it? Raw enthusiasm?
B: Willow's the same way when we watch a movie about witches, right, Xander?
W: If you get the apartment, this'll be your hallway. And we'll walk down the hall and say, "La, la, I'm on my way to Xander's."
B: It's nice. And not subterranean. It's very, uh, above-terranean.
Rental agent: And that's the bedroom.
X: Oh! Credit check. Little check on the credit. See how credible my checks are.
A: Xander, go get the furniture, I'll wait here. He's been living in his drunken parent's basement, where something urinated on the hot-plate.
R: We, uh, we liked the ceiling fan.
G: "Miscellaneous curses." Brilliant. Lucky if I don't curse my hands off at the wrists.
B: How badly did you hurt him?
B: So a mythic triumph over a completely indifferent foe?
X: So you bought the magic shop and you were attacked before it opened. Who's up for a swingin' chorus of the "I told you so" symphony?
G: Toth.
G: It also says that for a demon he's unusually sophisticated.
R: He mentioned Buffy? Where do we find him and how hard can I kill him?
W: Was it sort of sandalwoody?
B: The city dump... where smells go to relax and be themselves.
W: I found a spell so you can't smell anything, but it does it by taking your nose off, so... no.
X: Ooh, I found a quarter, I found a quarter! Well, ma'am, for me it is worth getting excited about.
B: Well, if this guy wants to fight with weapons, I've got it covered from A to Z. From axe to... ze other axe.
B: Relax. Another day, another demon.
D: My friend Sharon's older brother knows a girl who died 'cause she choked on her boyfriend's tongue.
J: This must be my two-teenage-girls-in-the-house headache. I thought it felt familiar.
X: Welcome to payback, Mr. Evil-plan-face-stealer. You take my life, you get my being fired absolutely free.
Rental agent: I think someone said you're currently in your parent's basement?
X: Anya, you there? Look, I know you're still mad, but I figure you're probably sitting there pretending you're not home, but listening anyway.
X: It's me, Xander. And I can prove it.
X: On my seventh birthday, I wanted a toy fire truck, and I didn't get it, and you were real nice about it, and then the house next door burned down, and then real fire trucks came, and for years I thought you set the fire for me. And if you did, you can tell me.
X: I woke up in the dump this morning.
X: I got hit last night, fall down, boom.
X: It's a robot. It's an evil robot constructed from evil parts that look like me, designed to do evil.
X: A demon has taken my life from me, and he's living it better than I do.
X: But I never help. I get in trouble and Buffy saves me.
X: Take my life, please.
W: You're just tired, and all soggy.
X: When I get to the pearly gates, I'm sure the guy's not gonna go, "Hey, what a kick-ass comic book collection! Come on in."
X: He can take anything, but he can't have her. I need her!
X: Hey, wait till you have an evil twin. See how you handle it.
A: So, what happens next?
A: When do we get a car?
A: I'm dying. I may have as few as 50 years left.
A: And you can't promise you'll be with me when I'm wrinkly, and my teeth are artificial and stuck into my wrinkly mouth with an adhesive.
A: What is it? Make it go away.
G: I swear, this time I KNOW I had that locked.
G: I said, Oh dear lord!
X1: I'm thinking this is gonna last about fifteen seconds.
B: Can't this thing go any faster? Ultimate driving machine, my ass.
B: I know how un-fun it can be. The bad hours, frequent bruising, cranky monsters.
R: If you led a perfectly normal life, you wouldn't be half as crazy as you are. I gotta have that. I gotta have it all! I'm talking toes, elbows, the whole bad-ice-skating-movie obsession, everything.
B: Okay, Xander...s.
R: We can prove you're both Xander.
B: What number am I thinking?
X2: It's a nickel someone flattened on the railroad track. I found it on the construction site and I thought it was cool. It's not magic.
X: The gun! Pick up the little gun pieces.
X2: Oh, yeah. That cleaning deposit's gone.
R: Psychologically, this is fascinating. Doesn't it make everyone want to lock them in separate rooms and do experiments on them?
X2: We're completely identical.
A: Maybe we shouldn't do this reintegration thing right away. See, I can take the boys home, and we can all have sex together, and then, you know, just slap them back together in the morning.
A: It's not like it'd be cheating. They're both Xander.
A: Well, what do we do if it doesn't work?
A: I liked it the other way. Put him back.
X: At first it's just a place, and then you start to make memories. And then you're like... that's where Spike slept. And there, that's where Anya and I drowned a Separvo demon. Oh! And right there, that's where I got my heart all ripped out. I really hate this place.
A: Ooh, presents?
X: How is it that she can always make me feel suave Xander's left the building?
R: Hey, I'm well aware of how lucky I am. Like, lottery lucky. Buffy's like nobody else in the world. When I'm with her, it's like... it's like I'm split in two. Half of me is just on fire, going crazy if I'm not touching her. The other half is so still and peaceful, just perfectly content... just knows: this is the one. But she doesn't love me.
X: No, no, I was wrong. Just incompetent burglars.
R: Who are you, lately?
A: Much more durable than their hot-plates.
X: What? Oh, yeah, she's all, like, "What's that? A cauldron? Who uses a cauldron anymore?"
B: Just warning you, Xander, I probably won't be doing that.
R: Really? I will.
//Xander opens door to see Buffy and Riley kissing//
X: Guys, you can't save it for the bedroom? //R & B look around bedroom// Okay, good point.
X: Yes. It's very, you know, kind of Old South.
B: But without the unpleasant slavery associations.
G: Well, hurt, uh... maybe not hurt.
W: Well, I'm sure he was startled.
G: Yes, yes. I'd imagine it gave him rather a turn.
B: He ran away, huh?
G: Uh, sort of more, turned and swept out majestically, I suppose.
G: Well, I'm not dead or unconscious, so I say bravo for me.
R: What?
B: He called you a toth. It's a British expression. It means, like, moron.
G: No, Toth's the name of the demon.
B: Sophisticated? So I should discuss men's fashions with him before I chop his head off?
G: They are referring to the fact that he does not fight bare-handed.
G: Um... not even remotely.
B: Good work, Dawn. You gave her a headache.
D: I did not. Did I give you a headache, Mom? I'm sure part of it is Buffy's.
B: But part of it is Dawn's.
J: It's so nice you've learned to share.
X: Right. There comes a point where you either have to move on, or just buy yourself a Klingon costume and go with it.
A: Am not.
W: Oh. Okay.
W: Xander, the basement isn't a dump. It's more like a really nice hovel.
W: Uh-huh.
W: That's not true. Sometimes we all helped to save you.
W: Really?
W: I handled it fine.
X: Well, at some point, we take off our clothes.
X: A car?
A: And a boat. No, wait, I don't mean a boat. I mean a puppy. Or a child. I have a list somewhere.
B: You always say that.
G: Well, it's always important.
X2: I'm thinking less.
B: Yeah! How?
R: I don't think that's gonna do it.
X1 & X2
B: Wrong. Oh! But see?
X1: No, I... huh, it is kind of cool. Washington's still there, but he's all smushy. And he may be Jefferson.
X1: I was thinking the same thing!
X1: Yeah, we checked out some stuff in the car on the way over. Fingerprints!
X2: She's joking.
X1: No, she's not! She entirely wants to have sex with us together. Which is... wrong. And it would be very confusing.
G: We just need to arrange the candles. Also, we should continue to pretend we heard none of the disturbing sex talk.
W: Check. Candles and pretense.
X1 & X2: Kill us both, Spock!
B: They're kind of the same now.
G: Yes, he's clearly a bad influence on himself.
X: Not unless you want my collection of Babylon 5 commemorative plates. Which you cannot have.