Pangs
B=Buffy, W=Willow, G=Giles, X=Xander, An=Anya, S=Spike, R=RileyH=Harmony, A=Angel, F=Forrest
Vamp: Why don't you go back where you came from? Things were great before you came.
B: And they say one person can't make a difference.
An: Look at him. Have you ever seen anything so masculine?
B: You mean Guerrero or his wife?
W: I think she means...
B: Oh. Very manly. Not at all Village People.
A: So much sexier than the outfit from his last job.
W: Oh, I miss the free hot dogs on sticks.
An: I'm imagining having sex with him right now.
Prof. Gerhardt: That's what the melting pot is about - contributions from all cultures, making our culture stronger.
W: What a load of horse hooey.
B: We have a counterpoint?
W: Yeah. Thanksgiving isn't about blending of two cultures. It's about one culture wiping out another. And then they make animated specials, about the part where - with the maize and the big, big belt buckles. They don't show you the next scene where all the bison die, and Squanto takes a musket ball in the stomach.
B: Okay, now, for some of that you _were_ channelling your mother?
B: With Mom at Aunt Darlene's this year, I'm not getting a Thanksgiving. Guess maybe it's just as well.
An: Well, I think that's a shame. I love a ritual sacrifice.
B: Not really a one of those.
An: To commemorate a past event, you kill and eat an animal. It's a ritual sacrifice. With pie.
An: What's she doing? Xander said he was gonna dig. I want to see Xander dig.
W: That part's just ceremonial.
An: Well, it bites. She's not rippling at all.
An: Look at him.
W: Very... diggy.
An: Soon he'll be sweating. I'm imagining having sex with him again.
B: Imaginary Xander is quite the machine.
B: I'm sorry, a lost mission. I mean, a hairbrush I can understand - and by the way, I will find that and get it back to you - but how do you lose a mission?
W: Doesn't it make you wonder what else is there, right under our feet?
B: Mostly, I've just found sewers full of demons.
B: It's not fair. They all get a family holiday just because they can go home to their families.
W: It's a turvy-topsy world.
W: Buffy, earlier you agreed with me about Thanksgiving. It's a sham. It's all about death.
B: It is a sham. But it's a sham with yams. It's a yam sham.
W: Ooh, we could not invite Anya!
B: I don't know. She and Xander seem pretty tight lately.
W: Grumble, grumble.
R: We do this the Professor's way.
F: < cough > Mama's boy.
R: That's a nasty cough. You might need to spend the weekend in quarantine.
F: Oh, no. I'm done coughing.
An: You're pasty and wet and disgusting. They can dig without you.
X: I don't really feel that bad.
An: I inflicted a lot of putrefying diseases on men when I was an avenging demon. You look like you're getting all of them.
X: Okay, I'll stay. But you should go. You could catch it.
An: We'll die together. It's romantic. Let me get your trousers off.
X: You're a strange girlfriend.
An: I'm a girlfriend?
X: There's a chance I'm delirious.
An: Ah, yes. Well, whatever it is that's making you sick, so far, I like it.
W: The coroner's office said she was missing an ear. So I'm thinking maybe we're looking for a witch. There's some great spells that work much better with an ear in the mix.
B: That's one fun little hobby you've got there, Will.
W: Oh, thought... we're just assuming someone else cut off the ear. What if it was self-inflicted, like Van Gogh?
B: So, she brutally stabs herself, dumped the body, then cut off her own ear?
W: No, she cut off her ear, then killed herself, then dumped the body... I'm really off my game, aren't I?
B: Do you even own a turkey pan?
G: Tell me again why we're not doing this at your house?
B: Giles, if you would like to get by in American society, you are going to have to follow our traditions. You're the patriarch. You have to host the festivities, or it's all meaningless.
G: And this is in no way an elaborate scheme to stick me with the clean-up?
B: How about that ceremonial knife, huh? Pretty juicy piece of clueage, don't you think?
G: I'm glad that you're watching out for her, but I feel that I should remind you that she's not helpless and it's not your job to keep her safe.
A: It's not yours anymore, either. You going to walk away?
W: But you have whipped cream. I saw it in Giles' fridge.
B: But that's whipped cream in a canister. Look, it's only right if you whip it yourself.
W: Hey, and then later we can churn our own butter, and make sweaters out of sheep.
B: Riley, where'd you come from? I didn't see you at all.
R: Oh, just across the street... and a couple of blocks down.
W: Evil! You're all evil again.
W: See, I don't get that. All this "leaving for her own good" garbage. Because that's what it is! You can't just give up because there's obstacles. You know, what kind of--
A: Willow.
W: Sorry. My stuff.
A: Willow, I'm here to protect Buffy. I don't have a whole lot of time for personal stuff.
W: Right. Well, how can I help?
A: Well, if you can tell me... who's that guy?
B: I'm a great cook... in theory. I've eaten a lot.
R: And I know what you're thinking. It's like I grew up in a Grant Wood painting.
B: Exactly. If I knew who that was.
H: Out! I mean it. I've been doing a lot of reading, and I'm in control of my own power now, so we're through.
S: You don't mean that.
H: Yes, I do. I do. I mean it a lot.
S: See, I knew you'd wind up welcoming me back with open... arms.
H: No. I'm powerful, and I'm beautiful, and I don't need you to complete me. And you're mean!
S: All right, I'll go. Just...
H: What?
S: Can I have someone to eat?
Hus: I am revenge. I am my people's cry. They call for Hus, for the avenging spirit to carve out justice.
B: They tell you to start an ear collection?
B: And, "Native American."
G: Sorry?
B: We don't say "Indian."
G: Oh, right. Yes, yes. Always behind on the terms. Still trying not to refer to you lot as "bloody colonials."
B: And the thing is, I like my evil like I like my men - evil. You know, straight up, black hat, tied to the train tracks, "soon my electro-ray will destroy Metropolis" bad.
B: We need to boil those and put them through the ricer.
G: I don't think I have a ricer.
B: You don't have a ricer? What do you mean? How could someone not have a ricer?
G: Well, do you have one at home?
B: I don't know. What's a ricer?
G: What's all that?
W: Atrocities. I got the full poop on the Chumash Indians and our fabulous buried mission.
B: You said you were gonna get fresh ones.
W: Atrocities?
B: Peas. They come in little pods. You were going to shell them.
W: I didn't have time. I was busy reading about the Chumash war.
G: The Chumash were peaceful.
W: They were peaceful, all right. They were fluffy indigenous kittens, until we came along.
B: They're going to be mushy.
G: I like mushy peas.
B: You're the reason we had to have Pilgrims in the first place.
W: Are you sure we shouldn't be helping him?
G: No, I think perhaps we won't help the angry spirit with his rape and pillage and murder.
W: I don't think you want to help. I think you just want to slay the demon, then go, "la, la, la!"
W: You mean Angel? I saw him, too.
G: That's not terribly stealthy of him.
W: I think he's lost his edge.
G: But this is why I think we should all keep a level head in this.
W: And I happen to think mine is the level head and yours is the one things would roll off of.
G: You look like death.
W: Are you okay?
B: You didn't bring rolls?
W: It lists the various--
X: Various? As in...?
W: Oh, well, the important thing is not to panic.
W: Well, you just recited the mystical panic causing incantation, so little hope there. Let's talk about the various.
W: Well, they did suffer from malaria, some smallpox...
An: I was gonna say smallpox.
W: You know, syphilis. But basically, standard sort of stuff.
B: Sarcasm accomplishes nothing, Giles.
G: It's sort of an end in itself.
X: Hey, can we come rocketing back to the part about me and my new syphilis?
An: It'll make you blind and insane. But it won't kill you. The smallpox will.
An: You're gonna get vesicles and pustules. They have pictures.
X: Question?
W: There are two sides to it.
X: To slaying him? Well, the representative from syphilis votes "yes."
S: Help me. < Buffy pushes him out into the daylight > What part of "help me" do you not understand?
B: The part where I help you.
S: Come on, I'm parboiling out here.
B: Want me to help make it quicker?
S: Invite me in!
B: No.
G: Very unlikely.
S: Willow, tell 'em what I did.
W: You said you were gonna kill me, then Buffy.
S: Yes, bad, but let's skip that part and get to the part where I couldn't bite you.
S: I'm saying that Spike had a little trip to the vet, and now he doesn't chase the other puppies any more.
B: So you haven't murdered anybody lately? Let's be best pals!
S: Bloody hell, woman. You're cuttin' off my circulation.
B: You don't have any circulation.
S: Well, it pinches.
S: I came to you in friendship. Well, all right, seething hatred...
S: Oh, someone put a stake in me.
X: You got a lot of volunteers in here.
S: You won. All right? You came in, and you killed them and you took their land. That's what conquering nations do. It's what Caesar did, and he's not going around saying, "I came, I conquered, I felt really bad about it."
S: It's kill or be killed here, take your bloody pick.
X: Maybe it's the syphilis talking, but some of that made sense.
G: I made a lot of these points earlier, but no, it's fine, no one listens to me.
B: You sure you're up to it?
S: Oh, leave that one. He looks like he's ready to drop any minute, and I think I can eat someone if he's already dead.
X: I'm up to it.
W: I think he thought we were crazy.
X: Well, maybe if Anya hadn't opened the conversation with, "Everybody got both ears?"
An: I liked his wife. She gave me pie.
An: So this is Angel. He's large and glowery, isn't he?
X: He's evil again.
A: I'm not evil again. Why does everyone think that?
W: Angel's here to protect Buffy.
A: I haven't been evil for a long time.
G: We need a plan.
S: Yes, let's talk about it some more.
An: What's he like when he IS evil?
S: You made a bear!
B: I didn't mean to.
S: Undo it! Undo it!
S: Oh, lay off. You all had a fine meal. But me? An entire siege - you'd think one of you'd bleed a little.
B: Wasn't exactly a perfect Thanksgiving.
X: I don't know - seemed kinda right to me. A bunch of anticipation, a big fight, and now we're all sleepy.
X: And you know what? I think my syphilis is clearing right up.
B: And they say romance is dead. Or maybe they just wished it.