A New Man
B=Buffy, G=Giles, X=Xander, W=Willow, R=Riley, S=SpikeA=Anya, E=Ethan, M=Maggie Walsh, T=Tara
B: We have to make this fast. I have better things to do tonight than kill.
Everyone: Surprise!
W: Guess you won't be killing anything tonight after all.
B: Don't be so sure.
G: This is a lively space. It's like an activity room we had at public school. One time I got up to a bit of a prank with the dartboard.
A: I'm bored. Let's eat.
X: Anya, we talked about this.
A: I'm sorry, that was rude. Please continue your story. Hopefully, it involves treacle and a headmaster.
G: Go and eat.
B: Giles was the librarian at my high school.
R: Ah, I've see the library. It's gone downhill since you left.
G: Yes. I'm embarrassed to say that I actually miss it at times.
R: So, you're retired?
G: I'm sorry?
R: Or... you're working somewhere else now?
G: Well, not, um... sort of between projects...
B: But this is so nice having everyone together for my birthday. Of course, you could smash in all my toes with a hammer and it would still be the bestest Buffy birthday bash in a big long while.
G: I'm not sure I would have gone with the surprise party. You have enough things jumping out at you in the dark.
B: Professor Walsh says adrenaline is like exercise, but without the exorbitant gym fees.
G: Very witty.
B: You should meet her. She's absolutely the smartest person I've ever met.
G: Perhaps we should have invited Professor Walsh to the party.
B: Oh, no. I mean, she's, like, 40. She's got better things to do than hang out with a bunch of kids.
X: That's my radio.
S: And you're what, shocked and disappointed? I'm evil.
A: So what kind of place are you looking for?
S: I don't know. Maybe a crypt. Someplace, you know, dark and dank. But not as dark and dank as this.
A: It's pretty depressing, isn't it?
S: I've known corpses with a fresher smell. In fact, I've been one.
X: That's my lamp.
A: a gift is traditional. I read about it.
X: That's among friends. With bitter enemies, we don't give them my lamp.
X: Out, before I get the Slayer over here to kick your ass out.
S: I don't know why she didn't come. Say good-bye, shed a few tears.
X: Well, she has an appointment with someone who's actually still scary.
M: So, the Slayer.
B: Yeah, that's me.
M: We thought you were a myth.
B: Well, you were myth-taken.
M: We use the latest in scientific technology, and state-of-the-art weaponry, and you, if I understand correctly, poke them with a sharp stick.
G: The third new moon after the 900th feast of Delthrox... Oh, crap!
R: Wow.
B: Those were my best stories. I didn't tell you the "Buffy breaks her butt" stories.
R: But you killed the... you did the thing with that... You drowned. And the snake? Not to mention the daily slayage of... Wow.
B: It's no big, really. Hey, who wants ice cream?
R: Buffy... when I saw you stop the world from, you know, ending, I just assumed that was a big week for you. It turns out I suddenly find myself needing to know the plural of apocalypse.
R: Don't get me wrong, the girls I grew up with could hold their own, but, well, I'm not even sure I could take you.
B: That all depends on your meaning.
G: Professor Walsh, I presume. You're hard to find. These halls are quite the labyrinth. I felt like Theseus and the Minotaur in the, uh, labyrinth.
G: Buffy's been very influenced by your course. She quotes you quite often. Sometimes she sounds a bit like an introductory textbook herself.
M: I don't lecture from the textbook.
G: If you lead a child by the hand, then they'll never find their own footing.
M: And if it's true about hiking, ergo it must be true about life.
M: I have found her to be a unique woman.
G: Woman. Of course. How wrong of me to choose my own words.
W: You know. I'm sure you know. Riley's one of the commandos.
G: What?! Well, that's marvelous, isn't it? Here I am, spent weeks trying to get a single scrap of information about our mysterious demon collectors, and no one bothers to tell me that Buffy's dating one of them? Who else knows?
X: No one. No one else knows this. //pause// Anya, and that's it.
W: And Spike.
G: Nothing is gonna happen. //leaves crypt//
E: I wouldn't say that. I wouldn't say that at all. In fact, Ripper, old mate, I'd say something rather interesting was about to happen...
G: //re-entering // Did someone...?
E: Oh, bugger! I'd thought you'd gone!
G: Ethan Rayne. You have no idea how much thrashing you is going to improve my day.
E: Brilliant. Now, isn't this more fun than kicking my ass?
G: No.
E: Oh. It's more fun for me.
E: Oh, so cross. We used to be friends, Ripper. When did all that fall apart?
G: About the same time you started to worship chaos.
E: Oh, religious intolerance. Sad, that. I mean, just look at the Irish troubles.
G: What are they saying?
E: Oh, you know demons. It's all exaggeration and blank verse. Pain as bright as steel. Things like that.
E: I know we're not particularly fond of each other, Rupert, but we are a couple of old mystics. This new outfit, it's blundering into places it doesn't belong, throwing the worlds out of balance. And that's way beyond chaos, mate.
G: You know what gets me? This is what gets me. Twenty years I've been fighting demons. Maggie Walsh and her Nancy Ninja boys come in, six months later the demons are pissing themselves with fear. They never even noticed me.
E: Who's Maggie Walsh?
G: Oh, she's awful. She said I was an absent male role model. Absent, my ass. But, I'm twice the man she is.
E: You know, you're really very attractive.
G: Hmmm?
G: We've gotta face it. We've changed. Well, not you. You're still sadistic and self-centered.
E: Here's to me.
G: The world has passed us by. Someone snuck in and left a couple of has-beens in our place.
G: What am I? I'm an unemployed librarian with a tendency to get knocked on the head.
G: I'm going to feel like hell in the morning.
W: What the heck was that?
G: I knew I'd feel like hell in the morning.
G: Oh, and I liked that shirt.
B: I like pancakes 'cause they're stackable. Ooh, and waffles, 'cause you can put things in the little holes if you wanted to.
W: It was like a rose-based missile.
W: How come you never told him about Riley being a commando?
B: I'm spending today with Riley.
B: I sort of kicked him across the room last night.
G: Still asleep? It's 10:30 in the morning.
G: Bloody humans!
B: Okay, there's a demon, and Giles is gone. But it doesn't mean that he's hurt. Oh, and there's no blood anywhere, so maybe the demon just took him somewhere.
S: Well, what do I spy with my little eye? A demon. That would be - oh, right - the things I can kill.
S: And, by the way, why the hell are you suddenly a Fyarl demon? You just come over all demony this morning?
G: You have to help me find him. He must undo this, and then he needs a good being-killed.
R: What are you working on?
B: I keep thinking, "let's ask Giles," then I remember.
G: If you can't find third gear, don't try for third gear.
S: What was that? Did you growl?
G: Do I have special powers? Like setting things on fire with my sizzling eyebeams?
G: I don't like this feeling. This sort of mindless need to destroy. This anger, rage.
G: I have a soul. I have a conscience. I am a human being. Ooh, stop the car.
W: It stole Giles' car.
S: Two of them, English, like me. But older, less attractive.
R: Buffy, I can't take you with me.
S: How are you feeling, mate?
S: It's getting closer. And it's got a friend!
E: Calm down. It's okay. Good Giles.
S: You just try to stop me, you stupid jarheads...
B: Please don't die.
E: I've really got to learn to just do the damage and get out of town. It's the stay-and-gloat that gets me every time.
B: You okay?
B: And why would I let you go?
G: If you don't mind, I'm going to go and watch them manhandle him into a vehicle.
R: You're really strong. Like, Spiderman strong.
B: Nice phone.
B: Uh-oh, you have but-face. You look like you're gonna say "but."
B: Are you sure you're not just saying this because you don't like Riley's boss?
R: You won't be disappointed in her. She's good at what she does. And she is one of the truest souls I've ever known.
E: Well, you won't have to worry about that anymore, mate. When you went to the loo, I slipped a small pellet of poison in your drink. You'll be dead in an hour.
E: Relax. Enjoy the night. We're still a couple of sorcerers. The night is still our time. A time of magic.
G: To magic.
T: I don't know, but, uh, the petals are off.
W: You should always have a new boyfriend. You're so much fun right now.
B: I did. I didn't?
W: He says no. He's feeling neglected and out-of-the-loopy.
B: Well, I mean, I didn't at first because Riley said not to. And then, meow, cat out of the bag, and I guess I just forgot that he didn't know.
W: Oh, yeah. I forgot. That's what you always do on the days when the Earth revolves.
W: Um, that's not good.
B: We were sparring and he said not to hold back. And he's a little dented. But he said he was okay with it. And I think he's okay with it. Do you think he's okay with it?
A: I think it ate him up.
G: Spike. Wonderful. The perfect end to a perfect day.
S: And I'm supposed to just help you out of the evilness of my heart?
G: You help me, and I- I don't kill you.
S: Oh, tremendously convincing. Try it again without the stutter.
G: Money? I could pay you money.
S: Oh, I like money. How much?
G: A hundred dollars?
S: A hundred dollars. You'll have to do a LOT better than that. 200.
G: Fine.
S: Right, then.
G: Right, then.
B: We have stuff, pictures.
A: We have nothing.
X: He's be great right now. He'd find himself in a second. Nobody is cooler in a crisis.
S: I'm doing my best. I don't know if I'm driving this thing, or wearing it.
G: It's perfectly serviceable.
S: Funny hearing a Fyarl demon say "serviceable." Had a couple of them working for me once. They're more like, "Like to crush. Crush now?"
G: No.
S: Well, you got the mucous thing.
G: What? Mucous?
S: Paralyzing mucous. It shoots out through the nose. Sets up fast. Hard as a rock. Pretty good in a fight.
G: Are you making this up?
S: Maybe. But hey, if you feel a sneeze coming on, you warn me.
S: Good times. Go with it.
G: No.
S: It's fun. I can't do it. Do it for me. Let yourself go!
X: Why would a demon steal a car?
A: Why would a demon steal THAT car?
B: You're not taking me with you. I am going, and I'm letting you come along.
G: Like snapping necks until everyone's dead.
S: Now, that sounds like a Fyarl demon. Good for you. Hey, picked up a tail.
G: Yes, just a little one. Hurts when I sit.
G: Damn!
S: Oh, sure. Dismantle the getaway car. That'll scare them.
G: Actually, I feel quite well, except for the rage.
G: Oh, um, embarrassed, mostly. Ethan's wardrobe's not helping any. How did you know it was me?
B: Your eyes. You're the only person in the world that can look THAT annoyed with me.
E: Well, maybe because you have no choice. I'm human. You can't kill me. What's a Slayer going to do to me?
R: By the authority of the U.S. military, you're being taken into custody, pending a determination of your status.
B: Yeah. But I don't stick to stuff. But, yeah.
R: And you're in charge. You're, like, make the plan, execute the plan. No one giving you orders.
B: I'm the Slayer.
R: I like it.
B: Yeah?
R: But give me another, oh, week to get ready, and I'll take you down.
G: Yes, fabulous technology. You see, if anyone has any information I need to know, they can simply tell me about it through this ingenious speaking tube. I'm very excited.
G: No. No, I'm not saying that at all. Though I do hate her quite a lot.
M: Oh, no - oh, no! Spontaneous poetic exclamations. Lord, spare me college boys in love.