Lover's Walk
B=Buffy, G=Giles, X=Xander, W=Willow, C=Cordelia, O=Oz, A=AngelJ=Joyce, PS=Principal Snyder, T=Mr. Trick
L=Lenny the Vamp, M=Mayor, S=Spike
W: This is a nightmare. This is... my world is spinning.
X: It's not that bad, Willow, really.
W: 740? Verbal?? I'm pathetic! Illiterate! I'm Cletus, the slack-jawed yokel.
X: That's right, and the fact that your 740 verbal closely resembles my combined scores in no way compromises your position as the village idiot.
W: Where did I go wrong?
X: Willow is very sad by her academic failure. How did you do? ...This is not good.
C: What's not good?
X: Well, I'm just worried it may hurt my standing as campus stud when people find out I'm dating a brain.
C: Please! I have some experience in covering these things up.
O: I can see why you'd be upset. That was my sarcastic voice.
X: You know, it sounds a lot like your regular voice.
O: I've been told that.
W: Buffy! Hey, did you get your S.A.T. scores?
B: And by the look on your face, I'm guessing you and I are gonna be manning the drive-thru window side by side.
W: 1430! Buffy, you kicked ass! Okay, so academic achievement gets me a little excited.
X: Why the sourpuss?
B: I don't know. I guess... my future. I never really thought about it. I wasn't even sure I was going to have one.
C: I think this is great. Now you can leave, and never come back! Well, I mean that in a positive way. Get out of Sunnydale. That's a good thing. What kind of moron would ever want to come back here?
S: Home... sweet... home. //THUD//
S: And more, much more than this, I did it my way. Drusilla, I'm home!
S: You stupid... worthless... bitch! Look what you've done to me.
X: Come on. It'll be fun.
C: I don't know, I just thought we were going to do something... you know, classy.
X: What's classier than bowling?
C: Apart from everything ever?
X: There's pictures. Of me. In your locker. I never knew I was locker door material.
C: Well... just barely. Besides, I look really cute in those pictures.
W: I'm on Oz's team
X: Yeah? Well, prepare to be crushed. (to Cordelia) Maybe we should practice.
C: Yeah.
W: What's this?
O: It's a gift.
W: What's the occasion?
O: Pretty much you are.
W: It's a little Pez witch!
O: It's kind of a theme present. Do you like it?
W: I like. I more than like. Oz, this is probably the sweetest... have to find a little Pez werewolf, so little Pez witch can have a boyfriend.
O: I don't think they make a werewolf Pez. You might have to settle for a wacky cartoon dog.
W: This is... just so thoughtful.
O: Well, I think about you.
W: Oh, I don't have anything to give you.
O: Yeah, you do.
G: Buffy, this is remarkable.
B: So is this. Where is this retreat thing, the Yukon?
G: It's quite nearby, actually. It's the clearing at the top of Breaker's Woods. It's the site of some fascinating Druidic rituals.
B: Okay, but you're just going for a few days, right? I mean, you're not going to settle there and grow crops or anything?
G: What? Oh, my gear. No, this is... this is basic necessities.
B: Giles, you pack like me.
G: Here. I suspect your mother will want to put it on the refrigerator.
B: Yeah, she saw these scores and her head spun around and exploded.
G: I've been on the Hellmouth too long. That was metaphorical, yes?
B: She started with all this crazy talk about me going to college. Maybe someplace else. I know, I know, I said that you were going to have a goat.
B: Okay, be kind, rewind.
G: And please don't do anything rash.
B: Anything rash meaning...?
G: Are you planning on seeing Angel?
B: Yes, actually, I am. Look, but there's not going to be any rash. Anywhere.
W: It's a mistake. It's a terrible, fatal mistake. I see that now.
X: It's just bowling.
W: It's bad bowling.
W: It's a very intimate situation. It's all sexy, with the smoke and the sweating, and the shoe rental...
X: You're turned on by rented shoes?
W: That's not the issue.
X: Look, we're just very good friends who like to hang out, and can I kiss your earlobe?
W: No! Well, okay. No. Pez!
B: All day it's been, like, "Congratulations! Go away."
J: It's just you belong at a good old-fashioned college, with keg parties, and boys, not here with Hellmouths and vampires.
B: Not really seeing the distinction.
J: I spoke with Mr. Giles and he said...
B: That Faith could be Miss Sunnydale in the Slayer Pageant. I know.
S: Yeah, you. You think I'm afraid of you?
S: I need a curse.
Pagan: A what?
S: A curse! Something nasty. Boils. I want to give him boils all over his face. You know, dripping pustules. Let's really go for the gusto here.
Pagan: I'm hearing a lot of negative energy, and I bet...
S: Leprosy! A spell that makes his parts fall off. That sounds proper.
Pagan: We don't carry leprosy.
W: But this is more of an anti-love spell. Yeah, kind of a de-lusting. The supplies are basically the same, right?
Pagan: Basically. Although raven feathers tend to breed a little more discontent than canary.
M: I swear, I would sell my soul for a decent short game. Of course, it's a little late for that. I don't suppose I could offer your soul, huh? Really help me on the green. //pause// I'm just funning.
M: He was up to all sorts of shenanigans last year. We had a world of fun trying to guess what he'd do next.
M: Loose cannon. Rock the boat. Is that a mixed metaphor? Boats did have cannons. And a loose one would cause it to rock.
A: She doesn't know about me.
B: Big no.
A: She wants you to get out.
B: Some place a little less Hellmouthy.
X: Whoa! It smells like church in here. No, wait... evil church.
W: It's just chemistry stuff. An experiment.
X: Why do I have to be here?
W: It'll help you on the exam. You're way behind.
X: But that's why you love me, right? Academically dangerous?
W: Here, hold this.
X: A feather. And who would I be tickling?
W: Shush!
X: Is that a spell book?
W: No, no, no! Chemistry book.
X: Wait a minute. This is love spell stuff. You doing a love spell?
W: No, of course not! This is a purely scientific... de-lusting spell... for us. I thought it would go better if you didn't know.
X: Are you nuts? Or have you forgotten I tend to have bad luck with these sorts of spells?
X: I wish for a lot of things! I told you I wished I was a fireman when we were in sixth grade, but you didn't follow through on that.
W: This whole "us" thing is... bleach!
X: So, do you really need to resort to the black arts to keep our hormones in check?
S: She wouldn't even kill me. She just left. She didn't even care enough to cut off my head, or set me on fire. I mean, is that too much to ask? You know? Some little sign that she cared? It was the truce with Buffy the did it. Dru said I'd gone soft -- demon enough for the likes of her.
S: I gave her everything - beautiful jewels, beautiful dresses, with beautiful girls in them, but nothing made her happy. And she would flirt! I caught her on a park bench, making out with a chaos demon! Have you ever seen a chaos demon? They're all slime and antlers. They're disgusting. She only did it to hurt me. So I said, "I'm not putting up with this any more." And she said, "Fine!" And I said, "Yeah, I've got an unlife, you know!" And then she said... she said we could still be friends. God, I'm so unhappy!
W: There, there.
S: That smell, your neck. I haven't had a woman in weeks.
W: Now, hold on! I'll do your spell for you, and, and, I'll get you Drusilla back, but there will be no bottle in face, and there will be no "having" of any kind with me. All right?
W: Now, I'm not a real witch, you know. I don't know if this is going to work right away.
S: Well, if at first you don't succeed, I'll kill him, and you try again.
B: What is all this stuff? I'm thinking weird science.
C: Was Willow messing with her magic tricks again? Maybe they disappeared. Maybe she turned Xander into something ishy!
B: Either they were taken, or they ran, or maybe...
C: You're having too many "or"s - pick one!
J: Well, she sounds very unreasonable.
S: She is. She's out of her mind. That's what I miss most about her.
S: No, this is different. Our love was eternal. Literally. You got any of those little marshmallows?
J: Get out of here.
S: Yeah. You're not invited.
J: He'll kill us.
S: Not while I breathe. Well, actually, I don't breathe.
J: You get out of this house, or I will stake you myself.
S: You're a very bad man.
A: Joyce, you can't trust him. Invite me in. You touch her and I'll cut your head off.
S: Yeah? You and what army?
B: That would be me.
J: Okay, I'm confused again.
S: Willow!
B: You took Willow.
S: You do me now, and you'll never find the little witch.
J: Willow's a witch?
B: And Xander?
S: Him, too.
J: Xander's a witch?
S: And when did you become all soul-having again? I thought you outgrew that.
S: Well, you and your great poof here want to tag along, that's fine.
C: What if they were kidnapped by Columbian drug lords? They
could be cutting off Xander's ear right now. Or other parts.
O: //sniffs// It's Willow. She's nearby.
C: What? You can smell her? She doesn't even wear perfume.
O: She's afraid.
C: Oh my god. Is this some sort of residual werewolf thing? This is very disturbing.
O: I really agree.
S: Oh, god.
B: What's wrong? Not that I really care.
S: Oh, my head. I think I'm sobering up. It's horrible. Oh, god. I wish I were dead.
B: Well, if you close your eyes and wish real hard...
B: He's probably just got them locked up in the factory.
S: Well, hey, how thick do you think I am?
S: Oh, god.
B: Now what?
S: We killed a homeless man on this bench. Me and Dru. Those were good times. You know, he begged for mercy, and that only made her bite harder.
B: I guess you had to be there.
B: Spike can get the rats eyes.
S: I used to bring her rats. With the morning paper.
B: Great, more moping. That's going to get her back.
S: I'm nothing without her.
B: Yeah, that I'll have to agree with. You're pathetic, you know that? You're not even a loser anymore, you're a shell of a loser.
S: The last time I looked in on you two, you were fighting to the death. Now you're back making googly-eyes at each other again like nothing happened. Makes me want to heave.
S: You're not friends. You'll never be friends. You'll be in love till it kills you both. You'll fight, and you'll shag, and you'll hate each other until it makes you quiver, but you'll never be friends. Love isn't brains, children, it's blood -- blood screaming inside you to work its will. I may be love's bitch, but at least I'm man enough to admit it.
W: You were real brave. Do you need to barf?
X: So, we're pretty much in a "scream all you want" scenario?
W: Drusilla broke up with him.
X: Gee, and we'd all hoped those crazy kids would make it work.
W: He's out of control. I mean, not that he was Joe Restraint in the old days.
X: So, what are our options?
W: Well, I figure either I refuse to do the spell and he kills us, or I do the spell, and he kills us.
X: Give me a third option.
W: He's so drunk he forgets about us and we starve to death. That's sort of the best one.
X: If he's so drunk, he'll get sloppy, and then I'll make my move. As long as my move doesn't involve standing up or using my limbs, we'll be okay.
W: We're not supposed to.
X: Exemption for impending death situation.
S: What's your hurry?
B: My hurry is my intense desire to get you out of my life. You tend to cause trouble.
S: I'll be out of your life in a few short hours. No trouble at all.
L: Hello, Spike. //Vamp committee assembles//
B: No trouble at all.
S: This should be a kick.
B: I violently dislike you.
L: Yeah, I'd heard you'd gone soft. Sad to see it, man.
S: Soft?
L: Yeah, like baby food.
S: Well, then, let's give baby a taste.
//Spike pounding Lenny's head on table//
S: Baby like his supper? Baby like his supper?
S: Now, that was fun. Oh, don't tell me that wasn't fun. God! It's been so long since I had a decent spot of violence. Really puts things in perspective.
S: Oh, sod the spell. Your friends are at the factory. I'm really glad I came here, you know? I've been all wrongheaded about this - weeping, crawling, blaming everybody else. I want Dru back, I've just got to be the man I was. The man she loved. I'm going to do what I should have done in the first place. I'll find her, wherever she is, tie her up, torture her until she likes me again. Love's a funny thing.
W: I never knew there was anything inside me that could feel this bad.
B: We're not friends. We never were. And I can fool Giles, and I can fool my friends, but I can't fool myself. Or Spike, for some reason. What I want from you I can never have.
A: There's got to be some way we can still see each other.
B: There is. Tell me you don't love me.
S: And more, much more than this, I did it my way!!