Life Serial
B=Buffy, G=Giles, X=Xander, W=Willow, S=Spike, A=Anya, T=Tara, D=DawnJ=Jonathan, Wn=Warren, Aw=Andrew
B: You already ate.
G: No! ... Well, yes. Obviously.
D: I'll take a drumstick.
W: I'm a breast gal myself... but then again, you knew that.
J: The Slayer always knows what she's doing. Sharp. Decisive. Always with a plan. We're never gonna be the crime lords of Sunnydale with her always one step ahead of us!
Wn: Wha-what the hell is that?
Aw: Death Star, dude! Wicked, huh?
J: Thermal exhaust port's _above_ the main port, numbnuts!
Aw: For your information I'm using the Empire's _revised_ designs from Return of the Jedi...
J: That's a _flawed_ design!
Wn: Hey! O.k., thing is: Since we're messing with the Slayer who could pummel the three of us into a sludgy substance, it might be a good idea to *not* draw attention to ourselves!
W: The trick is to get in the rhythm. Kinda go with the flow.
B: Flow-going would be a lot easier if your classmates weren't such big brains!
W: You're not dumb, just rusty!
B: Maybe I should ease back in with some non-taxing classes, like Introduction to Pies, or maybe Advanced Walking.
W: So, score me!
J: Right.... Fifty points for ingenuity, thirty since it involved actual contact...
Aw: Very smooth, by the way!
J: On the freak-o-meter I'd say she was at a six.
W: Oh, come on! It's an eight, easy!
[They confer]
J: We'll split the diff -- call it a seven, which is good for 140 points, for a total of...
Aw: 220.
W: Beat that!
Aw: Oh, I _will_!
B: This is gonna be great! Diving into the workforce! Being the breadwinner! Building things with my hands!
X: Uh, actually you won't be building so much as lifting and toting.
B: Toting?
B: You saved me from having to accept Giles' offer to work at the Magic Box. I mean retail? Yeeeuhhhh... I'd rather be dead. Again!
B: I guess I _could_ have been blacking out. But there was this _thing_ on my sweater that just blew away. Or went *poof*. Maybe it was lint.
Maybe it was evil lint!
X: O.k., first tip of the day: When I introduce you to Tony the Foreman, you might want to leave out stuff about blacking out and evil lint.
X: That's the spirit! [to Buffy] Don't mind him. He may seem pig-ignorant and rude and a little hostile.
B: So, basically, I'm just trying to learn everything I can, because I don't want a job, I want a career. You know, something I can grow into... you know, I never thought about working in construction, but when you think about it, it kinda makes sense...
Worker: Hey! We get paid by the hour. You want to ruin it for the rest of us? Slow down!
W: Ah! Got visual of subject. 4 o'clock.
J: That's not 4 o'clock.
W: Well it is if you're facing the front of the van.
J: But we're not facing the front of the van, we're facing out that way! That's twelve, so she's at two o'clock!
W: Look! She's over there, o.k.?
Aw: Hey! All you said was 'lose the mural'!
B: Demons! There were three, big, apey things!
X: No! Not here. Not at my job! That's your job!
B: I can't help where the forces of Darkness attack me, Xander!
X: Buffy, would you look at this mess. Do you have any idea how much it's gonna cost to repair this? And what am I supposed to say to the clients? Should I show them the demon bodies and say it was all their fault?
B: You can't. They melted.
Worker: Hey, I don't know what you're talking about. All I know is that you were losing it or something. That time of the month, huh?
B: _What_? You were huddled in the corner, crying like a _baby_!
Worker: Hey, hey! No way. Me crying? You're tripping!... What's her problem?
X: I think it's worth checking out. And I don't mean later. You need to see Giles right away. I'd start by IDing those demons.
B: You're firing me, aren't you?
X: Big time.
B: Uh, is this _all_ research? Or just some kind of stress-test for the table?
G: I just want to be thorough. This time anomaly and the demon attacks could be completely unrelated events. But if they're not, you might be in some danger.
B: So: situation normal, then.
A: Oh, and be sure to remove the items from the shelf. I can illustrate with an amusing story about a crystal: See there was this certain customer who wanted to purchase a sapphire... uh... a sapphire... well, ding-dong, and....
Wn: This is so dull, I might actually have fallen asleep and be dreaming you guys.
Aw: Why is the Slayer here anyway? She's a student, she's a construction worker, and now she's some kind of selling-stuff person?
W: It's like she's completely without focus... Should we check the other channels for free cable porn?
J: I need you to hold hands...
Aw: With _each other_!?!
Wn: Well, you know what homophobia _really_ means about you, don't you?
J: Stop touching my magic bone!
[Warren & Andrew giggle]
J: Shut up!
J: It's in Latin, so don't laugh. It's supposed to sound like this.
GuyCustomer: Miss? Which candle creates a, you know, more romantic atmosphere?
B: Hmmm... 'Lemon Seduction'. Ewwww... 'Essence of Slug'. Here you go!
RepeatCustomer: I need something for a prosperity spell. I heard you have it? A mummy hand?
B: Ah, yeah. I saw one downstairs. It's kinda hairy though, maybe it was a daddy hand. ...I'll just get it.
B: Petrified hamster... eyeballs in honey... dagger of Lex... Oooh! Ancient mummy hand!
B: ...And you get the dagger of Lex for free with it! See the inlaid mother of pearl.. underneath the black oozing goo...?
RepeatCustomer: This hand is dead. The power is gone. I'm not giving you money for this!
B: Oh, it's just playing dead. [swats at it] Little scamp!
W: Ah! You did it, dude. She's looping! What did you do, enchant the hand-thing?
J: Not exactly. I made it so she had to satisfy a customer with a task that resists solving. ...Maybe I should have done more?
Aw: Like what?
J: I dunno... like make her kind of itchy?
A: Don't worry. Don't be nervous. Just do what I do: Picture yourself naked!
Aw: I just hope she solves it faster than Data did on the ep of TNG where the Enterprise kept blowing up.
W: Or Mulder in the X-Files one, where the bank kept exploding?
Aw: Scully wants me so bad!
B: Finger sold separately!
B: Lady needs a mummy hand.
A: What? You haven't even talked to her.
B: I could explain, but you would just forget it.
B: Yes! And then I'm going to marry Bob Dole and raise penguins in Guam!
G: Yes...um...quite right....
B: If you like slug, go with slug! She's not gonna sleep with you anyway.
W: This mummy hand has ceased to be!
Aw: It is an _ex_-mummy hand!
Aw: So... Warren had 220, And I had that bonus for getting her fired....
J: But the biggest component has to be how long it took to finish. Mine took the longest!
Aw: Only from a perspective external to the time-loop. From Mr. Giles' perspective, it was shortest of all.
[Nametag]: Hello! My name is _Buffy_ Ask me about my curses!
B: Life is stupid.
S: I have a dim memory of that, yeah. And I didn't figure you were here caging my whisky because life was all full of blood and peaches.
B: Giles is working on it.
S: Oh good! 'Cuz Giles wields the mighty force of library books.
S: You're not a schoolgirl. You're not a shopgirl. You're a creature of the darkness, like me. Try on my world. See how good it feels.
B: There are drinks in your world?
B: You want to play, that's fine. I am sticking to the original plan. Which one do I kill for information?
S: Listen! These guys talk while they play. You'll get more information out of their mouths than out of gaping holes in their corpses.
PokerDemon1: Ante up!
B: You play for *kittens*?!?
S: Who's gonna advance me a tiny tabby... get me started? Come on, someone's got to stake me.
B: I'll do it! [he glares] You thought I was just gonna let that lie there?
J: Where are we going?
S: Me? _I_ cheat? _He's_ got X-ray vision.
PokerDemon2: Her skin's so tight, I don't even know how you can _look_ at her!
S: Ah, so it's a set-up isn't it? Squeeze a few quid out of the vamp. I'll tell you what you didn't count on. Me and the bird. You wanna fight, you face the two of us.
B: Scamper! Be free, kittens!
S: What's wrong love?
Wn: Connery _is_ Bond. He had style!
B: That van.
Wn: Connery is the only actor of the bunch!
J: Ah! Look!
DemonJonathan: I am well struck! I call on the misty portal to my demon dimension where I will lay my head and gently die!
DemonJonathan: She hurt me all over!
J: Ow...oh...ow! Next time I do that spell one of you guys has to look like the demon!
W: We tested her. _Faced_ her... and we survived!
G: Are you o.k.?
G: You're pushing yourself too hard.
G: This is for you.
B: I don't really know to say this, but it's a little like having mom back.
B: I just want to tell you that, um, this... makes me feel safe. Knowing you're always gonna be here.
Wn: To Final Jeopardy... where Buffy's the one in jeopardy.
Aw: We're really super-villians now! Like Dr. No.
Wn: Back when Bond was Connery and movies were decent.
J: Who remembers Connery? I mean, Roger Moore was smooth!
Wn: You're insane. You're short and you're insane.
Aw: I like Timothy Dalton.
Wn: Don't make me pull over, o.k.?
PokerDemon1: I'm not _using_ it!
B: _What?_ I'm not getting into a bar fight! I'll beat 'em up for information, great. But not to defend your right to gamble for _kittens_! Which, by the way, is _stupid_ currency!
PokerDemon3: They're delicious!
B: What's wrong? You were gonna _help_ me! You... you were gonna beat heads, and... and fix my life! You're completely lame! Life sucks! And look at me: StupidBuffy, too dumb for college. And FreakBuffy, too strong for construction work. And my job at The Magic Box? I was bored to tears even _before_ The Hour That Wouldn't End! And the only person I can even _stand_ to be around is a... a neutered vampire who cheats at _kitten poker_!
S: Oh, you saw the cheating, did you?
B: Also, I think you're _drunk_!
J: Yeah, but Roger Moore was funny!
Wn: Moonraker? The gondola turns into a hovercraft? It's retarded! Besides, the guy has, like _no_ edge.
Aw: Timothy Dalton had edge. In License To Kill he was a rogue agent. That's edgy! ...And he was amazing in The Living Daylights.
J: Yeah, which was written for Roger Moore, not Timothy Dalton!
Wn: This is stupid! We're wasting time. End of discussion..... They had, like shots of _pigeons_ doing _double-takes_ when the gondola blasted by! Moonraker is _inexcusable_!
S: If you want to steal the van I'm with you, love, but we have got the motorcycle.
Aw: Timothy Dalton should get an Oscar and beat Sean Connery over the *head* with it!!!
Wn: O.k., that's _it_!
An: She's coming over here. What do we do?
Wn: Jonathan! Grab your magic bone!
[they erupt in giggles]
B: He blew up. Did you see that?
W: Someone will see you! Get in the back!
DemonJonathan: I won't fit.
Aw: The Slayer _touched_ you!
J: Yeah, it was sexy, the way she touched me real hard with her fists! I only looked big. I actually had the proportional strength of, ah, me.
J: Unless I have internal injuries that will eventually kill me.
Aw: Oh, of course. But, barring that, Warren's right: We did good!
W: The Trio versus the Slayer. It's not over.
Aw: Plus! Look what Warren and me discovered by accident before we drove away!
j: What?
Wn&Aw&J: [awed] Free cable porn!
B: I think at one point I actually turned inside out ...but yeah.
B: The nice people at the phone company seem to think it's not hard enough.
B: A check? Th-this is too much. I can't take it.
G: Well, I'll tear it up....
B: No! I was just being polite. I'm taking the money.
G: In this scenario I'm your mother.
B: Want to be my shiftless absentee father?
G: Is there some sort of, um, rakish uncle?