Goodbye Iowa
B=Buffy, G=Giles, X=Xander, W=Willow, R=Riley, S=SpikeA=Anya, F=Forrest, G=Graham, DA=Dr. Angleman, Wi=Willy
B: So Maggie sends me down to the sewers, with one of those blasto-guns, and the next thing I know, it's raining monsters.
X: Hallelujah.
S: Got to hand it to you, Goldilocks. You do have bleeding tragic taste in men. I got a cousin married to a regurgitating Froglocsteem that's got better instincts than you.
B: What does my taste in men have to do with this?
S: You think Riley was out knitting booties for your future offspring while Maggie was stringing you up?
B: No. No. Maggie made sure that he was nowhere around when she sent me on this very special make-Buffy-dead assignment.
W: Plus... Riley? He seems like he wouldn't tell a little white lie, let alone a whole bunch of big dirty ones.
X: That's why they call it the Secret Forces, Will, 'cause they kind of keep the whole lying thing to themselves.
X: I'm guessing the mad scientist isn't too keen on the fact that the entire Scooby gang knows that the Initiative is up to no good.
B: Which brings us back to the "not safe for any of us" concept.
B: Okay, everybody grab a weapon. We gotta move.
X: Storm the Initiative? Yeah, let's take on those suckers!
B: I was thinking more that we'd hide.
X: Oh, thank god.
B: Xander, what about your basement? The guys haven't seen us together that much, and there's enough room.
W: Ooh, plus, mirror ball.
X: Cool. Come on down and boogie at Xander's hideaway.
A: Yes. Come boogie.
G: Absolutely not. I will not squat in that dank hole.
S: What, it was good enough for me, but you're above it all?
G: Precisely.
G: It's very unlikely those Initiative boys are gonna come around here to look for our...
R: < opens door & walks in > Buffy!
B: Maggie tried to kill me.
A: It didn't work, but they're all upset, anyway.
B: But he's not bad anymore.
S: Hey! What am I, a bleeding broken record? I'm bad. It's just... I can't bite anymore. Thanks to you wankers.
R: What's he doing here?
S: Leaving you swabs to your dramatics, thanks. I've got my stories on the telly for that.
S: By the by, if you're trying to kill her... < big smile, thumbs-up gesture >
Adam: What am I?
Boy: You're a monster.
Adam: I thought so.
B: That would never happen.
W: Well, no, Buff, that's why they call them cartoons, not documentaries.
W: Well, look who's cranky-bear in the morning.
G: Yes, I can't imagine why I didn't sleep well in my beach ball.
A: Every time you moved, it made squeaky noises. It was irritating.
G: Really? I'm surprised you could hear it over your Wagnerian snoring.
B: Everything's screwed up enough without you two doing scenes from my parent's marriage.
A: You know, you really should get yourself a boring boyfriend. Like Xander. You can't have Xander.
B: That was the idea. Riley was supposed to be Mr. Joe Guy. We were gonna do dumb things, like hold hands through the daisies, going "tra-la-la."
W: Poor Buffy. Your life resists all things average.
A: So dump him. But you can't have Xander.
B: I'll try and remember that.
B: It's too late, anyway. I'm already at the "I hurt when he hurts, I smile when he smiles" stage.
A: I hate that part.
B: When I find it, I'm going to make him pay for taking that kid's life. I'll make him die in ways he can't even imagine. < pause > That probably would have sounded more commanding if I wasn't wearing my yummy sushi pajamas.
B: And the Spike thing isn't as tweaked as it looked. Okay, maybe it is. But there's an explanation that almost makes sense. Hello? I'm apologizing here. And I think that's pretty big of me, considering I'm the one who was almost made a demon sandwich.
Wi: You're killing me here!
B: Oh, missed you, too.
Wi: I'm making some changes with my life. I'm getting away from my old image.
B: You mean as a double-dealing snitch?
Wi: Uh-huh.
Wi: I got one of those deep fryers. These demons just go crazy for chicken fingers.
Wi: Look, if they see me dealing with you, then I'm just the same old Willy, working both sides of the street.
B: I'm gonna have to punch you, aren't I?
Wi: Just once, and it doesn't have to hurt. Just make it look good.
//Buffy cocks fist//
Wi: Ow! Oh!
B: Not yet - I haven't touched you!
R: I thought you were supposed to be killing these things, not buying them drinks.
B: Oh, that's smooth, Officer Riley. They teach you those undercover moves in the Special Forces?
Wi: Hey, we got new rules here. No killing.
B: I don't know, but I'm ready to find out.
X: That's going to be tough, what with Maggie's deadness and all.
B: Xander, you and I are going undercover.
A: Hey! Remember before - no Xander. Not in a boyfriend way, or a "lead him to certain death" way.
A: Can't you do something else to help them, like Xerox handouts or something?
W: With your grace, may we speak of your benevolence. Or not.
B: Sorry, I'm the only one who can pass the retinal scan.
X: The... ew! I don't wanna see that.
B: RETINAL scan, Xander.
B: Well, we'll know in a few seconds if my clearance is still good.
X: Or if we're about to die at the hands of fifty grief-fueled military goons.
X: Why am I not entirely comforted by the arrival of the man-sized microwave?
X: Holy moley!
B: I know.
X: I totally get it now. Can I have sex with Riley, too?
B: This is the Initiative, Xander. Military guys and scientists do NOT make out with each other.
X: Well, maybe that's what's wrong with the world. Ever think about that?
S: Double shot of O-neg, keep. Make it the good stuff. I don't want no freaking orangutan.
B: Now, I don't generally like to kill humans, but I've learned that it pays to be flexible in life.
DA: I was wondering when you'd turn up.
B: Oh, darn. So this isn't a surprise?
B: Why? Spell it out for me - I feel an attack of dumb blonde coming on.
B: We just need to find out what was in 314.
//body drops from above//
Adam: Me.
Adam: I'm a kinematically redundant, biomechanical demonoid, designed by Maggie Walsh. she called me Adam, and I called her Mother.
Adam: Mother wrote things down. Hard data, but also her feelings. That's how I learned that I have a job here, and that she loved me.
R: She wasn't your mother, and she didn't love you.
X: Is that really the issue?
R: I'll kill you.
Adam: You won't. You haven't been programmed to.
B: There's no way I can get near him until I come up with a better plan than just storming in and getting us all shot.
W: Yeah, you might want to work the kinks out of that one.
B: It was like Maggie designed him to be the ultimate warrior. He's smart and fast. He gave the commando guys the slip with no problem.
W: There's got to be a flaw.
B: I think the part where he's pure evil and kills randomly was an oversight.