Into the Woods
B=Buffy, G=Giles, X=Xander, W=Willow, R=Riley, S=Spike, A=Anya, D=Dawn, J=Joyce
W: What time is it?
X: There's a clock behind you, Will.
W: I know, but there a watch right above your hand. //looks at watch// That can't be right. //looks at clock// Oh.
D: When I was younger, I used to put my chopsticks in my mouth like this, and then Buffy would chase me around the house yelling, "I'm the Slayer, I'm going to get you!"
A: That's disturbing. You're emotionally scarred and will end up badly.
D: No, it was great. I mean, she didn't actually stake me in the heart, you know.
X: Buffy's pretty cool like that.
X: So, what do you want to do now, Dawnster? Keeping in mind that I won't chase you because I'm old and I'm stuffed full of Moo-Goo-Gai-starch.
A: Oh, we could play that game again -- Life? That was fun.
D: For you. You always win.
A: Well, we can make a wager this time. You can give me real money. That would be different.
X: And after we teach her how to gamble, maybe we can all get drunk!
A: I don't think the bar would serve her. But we can bring something in. Strawberry schnapps taste just like real ice-cream.
X: Okay, how about a movie? They're showing them in theatres now. I hear it's like watching a video with a bunch of strangers and a sticky floor.
X: The chimp, playing hockey? Is that based on the Chekhov?
A: There's a chimp playing hockey?
D: No, the other one. I don't want to see a sad movie.
A: We have to see the chimp playing hockey. That's hilarious. The ice is so slippery, and monkeys are all irrational. We have to see this!
D: I'm only sleeping over here so Buffy and Riley can boink.
X: No, no... that's not it at all. They just need time to... um, be tender. Relax.
A: He's not very convincing, is he?
D: Alone time always translates into "Get Dawn out of the house so we can have loud, obnoxious sex."
A: //looking at X// Oh. Does that mean we can't?
B: Can we put this song on repeat?
R: Whatever you want.
B: Can we put the whole night on repeat?
R: Absolutely.
B: It's like all the tension's just left my body.
R: Already? 'Cause I had that scheduled for a little later on.
B: Scheduled? Are you planning on seducing me, Mr. Finn?
J: I don't know, Buffy. I think I'd look like I had a cat on my head.
B: But a very well-groomed cat.
B: Wigs are fun. We could get you a whole bunch of different ones. You know, you could be like 60's mom, Action mom, French-maid mom...
B: And I'm sure he'll come over later looking for a little... bible study.
B: Riley?
S: It's me.
B: Every time you show up like this, you risk all of your parts, you know that?
S: As usual, I'm here to help you, and I... are you naked under there?
Army guy: It's the real deal: high risk, low pay, and seriously messy.
//sign in Giles' shop: DON'T FORGET Winter Solstice, Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa, and Gurnenthar's Ascendance ARE COMING!//
G: And so it begins. No longer a victim of crass holiday commercialization, I'm a purveyor of it.
A: Oh, who ordered more chicken's feet? The ones we have aren't moving at all.
X: That's generally what happens when you cut them off the chicken.
A: Maybe we could do a holiday promotion -- one free with every purchase.
G: Oh, yeah... dear holiday memories. Merry tykes by the fire enjoying their new Christmas... chicken feet.
W: Aw, holding them tight as they fall asleep, painting their little toenails.
A: Oh, that's very humorous. Make fun of the ex-demon. I can just hear you in private: "I dislike that Anya. She's newly human and strangely literal."
A: If it wasn't for me, Giles would be a terrified old man, staring at a quarterly tax statement and wetting himself.
G: I say, that's an exaggeration.
A: I'm sorry, Willow. Thank you for making time in your busy life to come in here and get in the way of mine.
X: Anya, play nice.
A: You know, fine. Take her side instead of mine, even though I'm the one who sleeps with you, and feeds you, and bathes you.
W: She bathes you?
X: Only in an erotic, Penthouse-y way. Not in a sponge-bathy, geriatric sort--
G: Please! Stop. I beg of you.
B: It looked like they were paying vampires to bite them.
X: NOW I know what to get for the person who has everything.
X: Why don't the vampires just kill them?
A: Because they get cash, hot-and-cold running blood, and they don't leave any corpses behind, so they don't get hunted.
B: Vampires are vampires, and my job description is pretty clear.
A: Have a nice day. Don't get killed.
X: I guess everybody jumped ship once the word got out that the Slayer found their crib. I just want to apologize for the use of the word "crib."
S: Let's be reasonable about this.
R: You may have noticed, Spike... I left reasonable about three exits back.
S: Don't kill the messenger.
R: //ramming stake into Spike's chest// Why the hell not?
S: Ow! Bloody hell! Oh, god! Hey.
R: //pulls out stake// Plastic wood-grain. Looks real doesn't it?
S: Look at you. All afraid I'm hot for your honey.
R: Because you are.
S: Well... yeah.
R: Maybe I didn't almost kill you enough.
S: The girl need some monster in her man. And that's not in your nature. No matter how low you try to go.
R: If you touched her, you know I'd kill you for real.
S: I had this chip out of my head, I'd have killed you long ago. Ain't love grand?
S: Sometimes I envy you so much it chokes me. And sometimes I think I got the better deal. To be that close to her and not have her. To be all alone, even when you're holding her. Feeling her, feeling her beneath you, surrounding you... the scent. No. You got the better deal.
R: I'm the lucky guy. Yeah, I'm the guy.
A: I mean, who hasn't done stuff like that from time to time? I mean, I made this one guy spontaneously combust, and he set his whole village on fire.
X: Can you stop being scary for a minute and listen to what I'm trying to tell you?
A: A little after-hours hanky-panky in the training room, huh? Boy, Xander and I could tell you some stories.
X: Not now. Let's go, Anya.
A: There's a funny thing with the vaulting horse that you can tr--
X: Anya!
A: What? He started it.
X: In your world, maybe. But where the people are, this isn't time for "Tales of Anya and Xander's Sexcapades."
B: "Hey, gee, Buffy's so mysterious, I think I'll go out and almost die."
X: So, how'd that work out for ya? Make you feel better?
B: What are you doing here?
X: I thought you might need to talk. Then I saw this skirmish happen. I was gonna lend a hand, but I noticed you grew a few extra ones.
X: You don't want to deal so you hide? Not very Slayer-like.
B: I thought he was dependable.
X: Dependable? What is he, State Farm?
X: If you don't want to hear what I have to say, I'll shut up right now.
B: Good, 'cause I don't.
X: I lied.
X: I gotta say something 'cause I don't think I've made it clear. I'm in love with you. Powerfully, painfully in love. The things you do... the way you think... the way you move... I get excited every time I'm about to see you. You make me feel like I've never felt before in my life -- like a man. I just thought you might wanna know.