Intervention
B=Buffy, G=Giles, X=Xander, W=Willow, S=Spike, A=Anya, D=DawnT=Tara, Gl= Glory, BB=BuffyBot
B: Giles, you don't have to help. You cooked.
G: Oh, come on. I like to help. Helping you two out makes me feel useful.
D: Wanna clean out the garage on Saturday? You could feel indispensible.
B: Dawn, if there are any plates in your room, let's have them before they get furry and we have to name them.
D: Hey! I was, like, five then.
B: I can beat up the demons until the cows come home... and then I can beat up the cows.
B: I love you. Really love you.
D: Gettin' weird.
B: Sorry, but it's important that I tell you. Weird love's better than no love.
<cut to>
S: Some say it's better than the real thing.
B: What's in the trunk?
G: Supplies.
B: Supplies? I was wondering about that. Like food, water, maybe a compass?
G: How about a book, a gourd, and a bunch of twigs.
B: I don't think I'll be that hungry.
G: They're for me.
B: A Guide, but no food or water. So it leads me to a sacred place, and then a week later it leads you to my bleached bones?
G: Buffy, please!... It takes more than a week to bleach bones.
B: So, how does it start?
G: I, uh, jump out of the circle, then I jump back in it. And then I... uh... shake my gourd.
B: Oh, I know this ritual! The ancient shamans were next called upon to do the hokey-pokey and turn themselves around.
G: Go quest.
BB: I want to hurt you, but I can't resist the sinister attraction of your cold and muscular body.
S: Maybe I should repay you for your gentleness. Maybe I should let you go.
BB: No! No, Spike. Never let me go!
T: Oh yeah, Willow wants to watch this thing on The History Channel tonight -- Salem witch trial stuff, which is only gonna get her all upset.
A: I was there. It really wasn't that bad. See if you were really a witch you'd do a spell to escape. So really it was only bad for the falsely accused, and, well, they never have a good time.
BB: You're evil.
S: And that excites you?
BB: It excites me, it terrifies me. I try so hard to resist you and I can't.
S: Yeah?
BB: Darn your sinister attraction!
BB: Spike, I can't help myself! I love you!
S: You're mine, Buffy.
BB: Should I start this program over again?
W: It's got last week's notes too. Just get it back to me by Thursday... and don't write on it, or...or put a coffee mug down on it or anything... and don't spill. O.K. Oh, oh! And don't fold the page corners down. Bye!
BB: [Desktop Icons and Readout]
BB: [Readout]
XANDER:
>FRIEND
>CARPENTER
>DATES ANYA
ANYA:
>DATES XANDER
>LIKES MONEY
>EX-DEMON
BB: I don't understand that question, but thank you for asking! You're my friend. And a carpenter!
X: I wish Giles had told us they were back from the desert. I wish I knew what went on there.
A: Oh, you know, Slayer-Watcher stuff. Probably some silly ritual with an enchanted prarie dog or something.
W: Those darn Salem judges, with their Less-Satanic-Than-Thou attitudes!
T: Oh honey, let's change it. The Discovery Channel has koala bears.
T: Everyone? Before we jump all over her: People do strange things when someone they love dies. When I lost my mother I did some pretty dumb stuff, like lying to my family and staying out all night.
A: Buffy's boinking Spike.
<pause>
W: Oh... well, Tara's right. Grief can be powerful... and we shouldn't judge...
T: What, are you kidding? She's nuts!
T: You aren't really going to slap her, are you?
X: No, but if I have to see her straddle Spike one more time I will definitely knock myself unconscious.
S: She's upset about her mum. And if she turns to me for comfort, well I'm not going to deny her. I'm not a monster.
X: Yes, you are a monster. Vampires are monsters. They make monster movies about them.
S: Well, yeah. You got me there.
BB: [Readout]
WILLOW:
>BEST FRIEND
>GAY (1999-PRESENT)
>WITCH
>GOOD WITH COMPUTERS
W: So, just this one time, you did something kinda crazy...
BB: It wasn't one time. It was lots of times. And lots of different ways. I could make sketches!
BB: Angel's lame. His hair grows straight up, and he's bloody stupid.
X: The guys who work for Glory, you said they're kinda like hobbits with leprosy? Well this was a whole flock of hobbits.
Gl: <re: Spike> What the hell is that? And why is its hair that color?
S: Damn right I'm impure! I'm as impure as the driven yellow snow.
A: We're just kind of thrown by the you having sex with Spike.
B: The who whatting how with huh?
A: O.k., that's denial. That usually comes before anger.
B: I'm not having sex with Spike!
A: <nods> Anger.
X: No one is judging you. It's understandable-- Spike is strong and myseterious, and sort of compact, but well-muscled....
B: I am not having sex with Spike! But I'm starting to think that you might be!
X: We saw you and Spike with the straddling....
BB: Spike's mine! Who's straddling Spike?
B: Oh my God...
X: And so say all of us.
BB: Hey! You look just like me! We're very pretty.
X: Spike must have had her built so he could program her to...
B: Oh, God!
W: Imagine the things...
B: No! No imagining, any of you.
X: <raises hand> Already got the visual.
BB: You're right. He's evil. But you should see him naked. I mean, really!
Flunky: We will bring you the limp and beaten body of Bob Barker!
Gl: I am a god.
S: The god of what? Bad home perms?
Gl: Shut up! I command you: Shut up!
S: Yeah, o.k. Sorry. But I just had no idea that gods were such prancing lightweights. Mark my words: the Slayer is going to kick your skanky, lopsided ass back to whatever place would take a cheap, whorish, fashion-victim, ex-god like you.
<she power-kicks him across the room, through the wall... and out of his chains>
S: <spitting up more blood> Good plan, Spike.
D: We're safe. Right. And Spike built a robot Buffy to play checkers with.
T: It sounded convincing when I thought it!
A: Uck! It looks very complicated in there. Personally, I'd rather look at guts.
S: 'Cuz Buffy -- the other, not-so-pleasant Buffy -- anything happened to Dawn, it'd destroy her. Couldn't live, her being that much pain. I'd let Glory kill me first. Nearly bloody did.
B: What you did for me and Dawn, that was real. I won't forget it.