The Initiative
B=Buffy, G=Giles, X=Xander, W=Willow, O=Oz, J=JoyceS=Spike, H=Harmony, R=Riley, F=Forrest, Gr=Graham, PW=Professor Walsh, P=Parker
F: Women, Young, nubile, exciting. Each one a mystery waiting to be unlocked. Think any of 'em are gonna show? 'Cause the party will be lame if we lack for hotties. Professor? You with me?
R: No. I'm with this large pile of ungraded papers, due at three o'clock.
F: How are you gonna learn anything if you keep doing schoolwork?
F: Check her out. Is she hot, or is she HOT?
R: She's Buffy.
F: Buffy? I like that. The girl's so hot, she's Buffy.
R: It's her name, Forrest.
R: I never really thought about what I think about her.
F: A girl that cute in the face and you form no opinion?
F: What do you think of the blonde chick? Mattressable, n'est pas?
R: I like girls I can get a grip on.
F: I bet you do.
R: There's definitely something off about her.
Gr: Maybe she's Canadian.
F: Didn't she go with Parker Abrams for about 30 seconds?
R: Yeah, there's a sign of good taste.
X: The latest in fall fascism.
X: No studying? Damn! Next thing you'll tell me is I'll have to eat jelly doughnuts, or sleep with a supermodel to get things done around here.
X: Well, how about this: we whip out the Ouija board, light a few candles, summon some ancient, unstoppable evil. Mayhem, mayhem, mayhem. We show up and kick its ass.
G: Wee bit unethical.
B: I am going to a party tonight. Hopefully, a "no fighting, no biting" kind of deal.
X: How's Will dealing--?
B: With the black hole of despair she's been living in since Oz left? She's dealing. I'm helping. It's hard. Ergo, party.
B: Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go find something slutty to wear tonight.
Vamp: They starve you. And when you're ready to bite your own arm, they shoot out one of those packets. You drink, and the next thing, you're gone. And that's when they do the experiments.
S: And, uh, "they" are? The government? Nazis? A major cosmetics company?
S: I always worried what would happen when that bitch got some funding.
S: I'll take her apart. I don't care how brilliant she is.
B: Stupid pen. My notes!
W: Ballpoints can be tricky.
W: He's not gone. He left temporarily to work out a few things. I know, that sounds lame in its vagueness, but I assure you, Oz will be back.
B: You know, for someone who teaches human behavior, you might try showing some.
PW: It's not my job to coddle my students.
B: You're right. A human being in pain has nothing to do with your job.
PW: I like her.
R: Really? You don't think she's a little peculiar?
G: That's a very impressive array. Where'd it all come from?
X: Uh, requisitioned it. Back when I was military guy.
G: That was two years ago. You still 100%?
X: Are you kidding? I put the Semper in Semper Fi.
X: Might as well face it - right now, I don't have the technical skills to join the Swiss army. And all those guys ask you to do is uncork a couple of sassy Cabernets.
Xander's Mom: Xander!
X: Yes, mom?
XM: I made a nice fruit punch for you and your friend. Would you boys like some?
G: Is it raspberry punch?
P: You know the difference between a freshman girl and a toilet seat? A toilet seat doesn't follow you around after you use it.
//whack!//
R: I can't believe that I did that.
R: I hit him.
F: What the hell for?
R: He... he was just being so crude.
F: Please. You've heard me say much grosser things than that.
R: And most of those were about your own mother.
R: Well, I guess I like her.
F: You're kind of like a moron.
R: So, you... you knew that I had feelings for her?
Gr: Everybody knows, man.
F: Oh, she's peculiar? Dead giveaway, buddy.
R: I'm always the last to know.
S: Sorry, can't stay. Got to go see a girl.
R: Gee, I hope I'm not interrupting anything really depressing.
R: See, I don't know that much about Buffy. But I'm interested in what she likes. And so far, well, the only thing that I know she likes is you.
W: Okay, say that I help. And you start a conversation. It goes great. You like Buffy, she likes you. You spend time together, feelings grow deeper, and one day, without even realizing it, you find you're in love. Time stops, and it feels like the whole world is made for you two, and you two alone. Until the day one of you leaves, and rips the still-beating heart from the other, who's now a broken, hollow, mockery of the human condition.
R: Yep, that's the plan.
W: I figured it was.
W: Why should I trust you?
R: Just sort of hoping you'd think I have an honest face.
W: I've seen honest faces before. They usually come attached to liars.
W: She likes cheese.
R: What?
W: Well, I'm not saying it's the key to her heart, but Buffy, she likes cheese.
R: That's a start.
R: Still, I feel like I have a fighting chance. With my new accomplice.
W: I'm not your accomplice!
R: No, no, of course not.
W: I'm not!
R: You're not.
W: We're clear?
R: We're clear.
H: Bastard! You dumped me, and staked me, and hurt me, and left me...
S: I know, sugar, but you're forgetting one other thing I did. I missed you.
H: Really?
S: Forever and ever, mon petite creme brulee.
H: Ooh, Italian!
S: And after that, it's all you and me, my little mentholated pack of smokes.
H: Spikey, let's leave the Slayer alone. You know she'll only slap you around, and I can do that.
X: Every man faces this moment. Here, now. Watching, waiting for an unseen enemy that has no face. Nerve endings screaming in silence. Never knowing which thought might be your last.
G: Oh, shut up.
W: Okay, she's wearing the halter-top with the sensible shoes: that means mostly dancing, light contact, but don't push your luck. Heavy conversation's out of the question.
R: So what do I do?
W: Ask her to dance.
R: Right, dance. Wait, no.
W: What's the matter?
R: I can't dance.
W: Then, talk. Keep eye contact. Funny is good, but don't be glib. And remember, if you hurt her, I will beat you to death with a shovel. A vague disclaimer is nobody's friend. Have fun!
X: I'm warning you, I've been highly trained to put this through your heart. No mercy, no warning.
H: I can kill you where you stand.
X: Bring it on, then.
//H slaps X//
X: Ow!
//X kicks H//
H: Ow! You sissy kicker!
R: I can't believe it. I choked.
W: You really, really did.
R: You don't understand. I'm good at things. That's what I do. I work hard, apply myself, get it done.
W: Well, you failed extremely well.
R: That's a great comfort to me.
W: You're just making contact. Getting a reaction. Any reaction is okay. Except projectile vomiting, but what are the chances of that...?
R: It's not like she blew me off. She just left with another guy, that's all.
F: You know, I hate to say it, but they're probably on their way to make crazy naked sex.
R: The problem is, what kind of girl is going to go out with a guy who's acting all Joe-regular by day, and then turns all demon-hunter by night?
Gr: Maybe a peculiar one.
B: Riley's a doof. He's not teutonic.
G: You have a plan?
B: I am the plan.
S: Hello, gorgeous.
Gr: She's compromising the area.
F: At least she's not making crazy naked sex.
R: Told you.
R: You wanna use the girl I have a crush on as bait?
B: It's a free campus. Who died and made you John Wayne?
B: You know, if you were a real gentleman, then you would just leave. You would go far, far away, now! Shoo!
R: Are you drunk?
B: Yes! Go and report me.
B: What? You think that boys can take care of themselves and girls need help?
R: Yeah.
B: That is so teutonic.
S: I'll give you a choice. Now, I'm going to kill you - no choice in that. But... I can let you stay dead... or bring you back, to be like me.
W: I'll scream.
S: Bonus.
S: I don't understand. This sort of thing's never happened to me before.
W: Maybe you were nervous.
S: I felt all right when we started. Let's try again. Grr! Damn it!
W: Maybe you're trying too hard. Doesn't this happen to every vampire?
S: Not to me, it doesn't!
W: It's me, isn't it?
S: What are you talking about?
W: Well, you came looking for Buffy, then settled. You didn't want to bite me, I just happened to be around.
S: Piffle!
W: I know I'm not the kind of girl vamps like to sink their teeth into. It's always like, "Oh, you're like a sister to me," or, "Oh, you're such a good friend."
S: Don't be ridiculous. I'd bite you in a heartbeat.
W: Really?
S: Thought about it.
W: When?
S: Remember last year? You had on that... fuzzy pink number with the lilac underneath?
W: I never would have guessed. You played the blood-lust kinda cool.
S: I hate being obvious. All fangy and "grr!" Takes the mystery out.
W: But if you could...
S: If I could, yeah.
W: You know, this doesn't make you any less terrifying.
S: Don't patronize me!
S: I'm only 126!
W: You're being too hard on yourself. Why don't we wait a half an hour and try again?
R: Did Willow tell you I like cheese?
B: You're a little peculiar.
R: I can live with that.