First Date
B=Buffy, D=Dawn, X=Xander, W=Willow, G=Giles, S=Spike, A=AnyaAn=Andrew, K=Kennedy, L=Lissa, R=Principal Robin Wood, FJ=The First as Jonathan
G: I honestly feel the largest part of it was instinct. Instinct and reflexes. There's a sort of wary watchfulness I've developed over the years. It's like another sense. [Spike tackles Giles, Giles goes thud]
S: [in unison] Hey. You're not the First.
G: [in unison] Hey. You're not in pain.
S: Anya said you were the First. Said you were evil. You're supposed to be all go-through-able.
G: Well, then what the hell did you tackle me for, you burk? What's that supposed to do?
S: I, uh, I didn't think of that.
G: You know, this is very dangerous.
B: Ah, you've just heard the horror stories. Wear hoops, they'll catch on something, rip your lobe off. Lobes flying everywhere.
B: I guess it was instinct. Like you were talking about.
G: I made that up! I knew the Bringer was there because his shoes squeaked.
X: Can I help? You seem confused.
L: You aren't wearing a green apron.
X: Confused, but sort of randomly observant.
L: I can't even figure out if I've got the right kind of rope.
X: That depends on what you need it for. Something like functional around the house, or, you know, recreational? By which I mean, for example, boating, or mountain climbing, not for tying someone up for sexy, funky fun. In conclusion, rope can be useful in various ways.
B: Now, if I were a sign of being evil, where would I be?
R: What are you doing tonight?
B: Preparing for tomorrow's counseling sessions.
R: No, really.
B: Watching a reality show about a millionaire.
R: I'm certainly not saying "Come to dinner if you enjoy having a job." Heh, heh, heh. You know, I may have to make up a little document saying I didn't just say that, and have you sign it.
B: I'd be happy to have dinner with you.
R: Great. I'll draw up the paperwork.
B: There he is -- on the Hellmouth all, every day. That's gotta be like being showered with evil. Only from underneath.
W: Not really a shower.
B: A bidet. Like a bidet of evil.
W: If he's interested, are you interested back?
B: I don't know. He's good-looking, and he's solid, he's smart, he's normal. So not the wicked energy, which is nice, 'cause I don't want to only be attracted to wicked energy. Or, what if he is wicked, in which case, is that why I'm attracted to him?
W: I'm gonna wait for that sentence to come around again before I jump on.
X: Also, like, ten years older than you, right?
W: Which is, like, 100 years younger than your type.
B: Yay! Someone who doesn't remember the Industrial Revolution.
W: How about yours, Xander -- is she evil?
X: Well, she's interested in me, so there's a good chance.
A: I don't think it's really a date, that's what I think.
B: Well, it is unclear. That's why I chose a top that says, you know, "I'm comfortable in a stodgy office, or a swinging casual setting, or killing you, you know, if you're a demon."
A: I think it's part of a plan to make me jealous.
B: Well, it's not working.
A: Are you nuts? Of course it's working! Observe my bitter ranting. Hear the shrill edge of hysteria in my voice.
A: Fine, go. Leave me here to stew in my impotent rage. All right, well, I'm also gonna pee, so you should probably go.
S: Think I still dream of a crypt for two with a white picket fence?
W: I've Googled till I just can't Google no more.
A: Yes, didn't you hear? Everybody has a date. Buffy has a date. Willow's been completely making out with this girl. Xander's out with some hardware store whore. It's Date-Fest 2003.
W: Actually, Buffy's investigating Principal Wood. It's not a date.
G: Really?
W: Might be a date.
G: These girls are in mortal danger. Didn't you see the flash cards?
FJ: Did you find the gun?
An: Yes, it was in Buffy's underwear drawer. She has nice things.
FJ: Show me.
An: Well, I didn't take 'em, but there were thong and regular underpants...
X: I knew it. See? I knew it.
L: Thanks for your help selecting the ropes, the one I picked wasn't strong enough.
X: Yeah, that would have been bad.
L: You just seemed like a nice guy, that's all, and I wanted to get to know you.
X: And kill me?
L: Sure.
L: Do the ropes hurt?
X: Yes.
L: Good!
S: You tried to record the ultimate evil. Why? In a complex effort to royally piss it off?
W: This one's either "I just got lucky, don't call me for a while" or "My date's a demon who's trying to kill me."
K: You don't remember which?
W: It was a long time ago.
D: Well, if we play the percentages...
G: Something's eating Xander's head.
A: Say, that's gratifying.
L: Couldn't have done it without you, Xander. Thanks for the great date!
W: I thought you were all angry at him.
A: My feelings are changeable, but intense.
A: Is Xander all right?
D: Looks okay.
A: Damn him.
W: What happened?
X: What do you think happened? Another demon woman was attracted to me. I'm going gay! I've decided I'm turning gay. Willow, gay me up. Come on, let's gay.
X: I'm mentally undressing Scott Bacula. That's a start, isn't it?
An: [sighs] Captain Archer....
B: What if you just start attracting male demons?
D: Clem always liked you.
G: There isn't time for fun and games and quips about orientation.
B: You have to stay.
S: You've got another demon fighter.
B: That's not why I need you here.
S: Is that right? Why is that, then?
B: 'Cause I'm not ready for you to not be here.
The First as Nikki: You met him. You know him. You fought at his side.
R: Spike.
The First as Nikki: Now, what do you say?
R: Thank you.