Doublemeat Palace
B=Buffy, G=Giles, X=Xander, W=Willow, S=Spike, A=Anya, T=Tara, D=DawnJ=Jonathan, Wn=Warren, Aw=Andrew, Am=Amy, M=Manny the Manager, G=Gary, H=Halfrek
X: Now, I get Warren being the super villain type, but I thought Jonathan completely learned that lesson.
W: You should have seen their headquarters. It was, like, the nerd natural habitat.
W: Hey, respect the narrative flow much?
A: Please, continue the story of failure.
W: And they had other stuff, you know, razor scooters, and pictures of the Vulcan woman on Enterprise.
X: Oooh! < pause > I mean, nerds.
A: Okay, see, this is why demons are better than people.
W: Interesting turn.
A: When I was a vengeance demon, I caused pain and mayhem, certainly. But I put in a full day's work doing it, and I got compensated appropriately.
X: Welcome to today's episode of "Go, money, go!" I hear it daily.
W: Yup, for the rest of your life.
A: But supervillains want reward without labor, to make things come easy. It's wrong. Without labor there can be no payment, and vice versa. The country cannot progress. The workers are the tools that shape America.
B: Good to know. I was kinda feeling like a tool. And now I know why.
Doublemeat Palace training film: This cow (moo!) and this chicken (bawk!) don't know it yet, but they're destined to become part of it as well. So what happens when a cow and a chicken get together? Why, that's a doublemeat medley! Let's take a look now at the process of harvesting these two special meats. < frantic barnyard sounds >
B: Holy crap!
M: Interesting, isn't it?
B: Oh, yes! Like how the cow and the chicken come together even though they've never met. It's like Sleepless in Seattle if Meg and Tom were, like, minced.
M: Watch these two.
B: Are they gonna do something?
M: This is the kitchen. The beating heart of the Doublemeat Palace.
B: Fill this? I didn't know there was going to be drug testing on this job.
G: You're funny. You better stop that.
B: Why?
G: Productivity. One of Manny['s watchwords. "Levity is the time thief that picks the pocket of the company."
B: I prefer the one that goes, "Manny is a humorless dolt who picks the pocket of he-should-bite-me."
B: You hit so many buttons, it was like buttonpalooza.
B: Excuse me, this button, does it look chocolatey to you?
M: You don't need to be in there.
B: Sorry. Was just curious.
M: Curiosity killed the cat.
B: Theory #5: Cat-burgers.
A: We're here to support your subsistance-level employment. Bravo!
B: It was a diner and we had, you know, lots of people who didn't tip, and funny, funny health-code violations.
X: It's fast food. I've swum these murky waters, my friend. There's the assorted creepiness, there's staring, there's the enthusiastic not-showing-up-at-all. I think you're seeing demons where there's just life.
A: After Willow gave us the "whoosh!" engagement party, I got slack on the planning 'cause I figured she'd help. But, well, now that's all been blown to hell.
W: Hey, standing right here. Standing right exactly here.
A: Sorry. Didn't mean to tempt you. < whispers to Dawn > Everyone's so delicate.
B: I'm working. Go away.
S: Yeah, and you chose to be in the consumer service profession, and I'm a consumer. Service me.
S: Damned fluorescent lights. Make me look dead. Some demons love 'em. Way they vibrate makes the skin twitch. That the kind of demon you are, luv?
S: That why you took this job? Prove something to yourself? A normal job for a normal girl. Good way to drive yourself crazy, that is.
B: But I don't know how to grill.
M: Just think -- this is the last day you'll ever be able to say that.
DM guy: You put the beef on the grill, hit the button, then it beeps. You flip the beef, hit the other button, then it beeps. You put it on the bun. There's not a button for that.
B: Repeat until insane.
DM guy: Eliminates variation. Every burger in every Doublemeat Palace is the same. People don't like variation.
B: Got it. Variety is the spice of bad.
B: So, I guess we're gonna get kind of greasy, huh?
DM guy: Skin, hair, eyelashes, nostrils, inside your ears. You want to look inside my ears?
B: No. No, that's okay.
H: I have been called and vengeance shall I wreak. Cower, masculine one! Tremble as you face my wrath.
A: Xander, I'm starting to think that maybe we should do a pot-luck thing...
X: Honey...
H: Hello. I am here to tear this man apart. How many pieces do you wish?
A: Halfrek, I didn't summon you to kill Xander, I called to invite you to our wedding.
H: You-- Oh, my! What an embarrassing mistake!
H: You know how it is, half the time I have no idea if I'm maiming the right guy. So, um, you're marrying that man with the large upper arms?
Am: < looking at rat cage > I don't know if you wanted to keep it, or...
W: You want it? Really?
Am: Well, yeah, you know. I mean, it's not much, but it's home. Or it was.
M: Well, maybe Gary did come in this morning, or, I don't know, late last night, and maybe there was an accident and got himself to the hospital.
B: Right. Maybe he's in the hospital. Or maybe he's in the grinder, huh? Huh? Meat process? Special ingredient?! Maybe Gary's on the grill, or maybe he's under the pickle chips!
B: Everybody, you have to stop! Stop eating! It's not beef. It's people! The doublemeat medley is people! The meat layer, it's definitely people. It's people! It's people! Probably not the chickeny part, but who knows? Who knows!?
Lady: What about the cherry pie?
H: Tell me more about Xander.
A: You keep asking about him. Do you think I'm making a mistake?
H: Do you?
A: Well, no. Xander, he... he's very kind, and brave, and he has the sweetest smile, and the nicest body, and he loves me. Sometimes it isn't easy, but he does.
H: Who told you that it isn't easy to love you?
A: Well, you know, I'll do something, or say something, and then he has to say stuff like, "It's incorrect for you to appreciate money so much" or, "Observe. Here's how a real human would behave."
X: Say, Buff, did you ever see Anya as a demon? 'Cause if that's it - whoa!
B: I try to do the simplest thing in the world, get an ordinary job, in a well-lit place, and look, I'm right back where I started - blood and death and funky smells.
B: Xander, you ate the burger?
X: Well, first you say it's cat. Then you come in, hand me a burger, blah blah blah, five minutes later, oh, and by the way, it happens to be hot, delicious human flesh?
B: I needed that burger to analyze it. Now I'm gonna have to get another one.
X: That's your problem with this scenario? You getting seconds?
W: Did Xander say something about food?
D: You wouldn't want any. Apparently, the doublemeat medley is people.
X: < belches >
W: Whoa. Bad.
B: Manny? < holds up foot in saddle-shoe > Guess you really were a lifer.
D: My friend Janice, her sister's a lawyer.
X: You think I should sue over the burger? That's interesting.
D: No, I just mean... Buffy's never going to be a lawyer, or a doctor - anything big.
X: She's the Slayer. She saves the whole world. That's way bigger.
D: But that means she's gonna have, like, crap jobs her whole life, right? Minimum wage stuff. I mean, I could still grow up to be anything. But for her, this is it?
X: Okay, but maybe you'll be a lawyer or a doctor, and you can use all your money to support your deadbeat sister.
D: Oh, that's terrifically better. Thanks.
W: It's not magic, it's chemistry. You can tell by how damn slow it is.
D: We're doing chemistry.
A: Oh. So sorry I hurried.
X: So, An, the way she looked, with the face - that wasn't what you used to look like, was it?
A: Is there something wrong with that? I mean, did you think she was unattractive?
X: Okay, is there any answer to that question that won't make you nuts?
A: Well, is it demon meat? I mean, maybe someone's, you know, killing demons and using them as a cheap source of meat. I mean, we've all heard of that. And, by the way, I'm opposed to using demon meat no matter how much money it saves.
X: Again, I say "huh?"
B: Wig lady?
Lady: Oh, dear! Wig lady, is that what they call me? I don't care for that. I mean, I have to do something to hide this.
Lady: Did I tell you you're my favorite? Doublemeat workers. You're so full of doublemeat burgers, and you just slide down so smooth.
W: I did it. I killed it, Buffy, look.
B & W in unison: Ewww.
Am: Can I come in? My new place isn't set up and I wanted to borrow some stuff like detergent.
W: You really can't
Am: I can't borrow detergent? Well, when they start calling me Stinky Amy, I'm just gonna say, "Hey, not my fault!"
Am: Come on, that was a sweet spell. It was like a trip to Disneyland without the lines.
W: Shut up.
Am: Oh, yeah, sharp argument you got there. Were you on the debate team? I forgot. I forgot a lot while you were failing to make me be not a rat.
W: Amy, if you really are my friend, you better stay away from me. And if you really aren't... you better stay away from me.
B: Wait. The secret ingredient in the beef is... beef?
B: I'd really like to not be fired anymore.