The Dark Age
B=Buffy, G=Giles, X=Xander, W=Willow, A=Angel, C=CordeliaJC=Jenny Calendar, J=Joyce, PS=Principal Snyder, S=Spike, D=Druscilla
E=Ethan, Ey=Eyghon
G: Must we have this nose during your calisthenics?
B: It's not noise, it's music.
G: I know music. Music has notes. This is noise.
B: I'm aerobicising. I must have the beat.
G: Wonderful. You work on your muscle tone while my brain dribbles out of my ears.
G: Very good. The rest is silence.
W: I'm in Florence, Italy. I've rented a scooter that's parked outside, and I'm in a little restaurant eating ziti, and there's no more tables left, so they have to seat this guy with me, and it's John Cusack.
B: Very impressive. You have such an eye for detail!
W: 'Cause, with the ziti.
X: What are you two up to?
B: Just having a quick game of "anywhere but here."
X: Oh. Amy Yip at the waterslide park.
W: You never come up with anything new.
X: I'm just not fickle like you two, okay? I'm constant in my affections. Amy Yip at the waterslide park.
X: Giles lived for school. He's actually still bitter that there were only 12 grades.
B: He probably sat in math class thinking, "There should be more math. This could be mathier."
W: C'mon, you don't think he ever got restless as a kid?
B: Are you kidding? His diapers were tweed. Giles!
G: Oh, there you are.
B: Hey, morning. Say, is that tweed?
B: So, what's on tap tonight that's so important? Uprising? Prophesied ritual? Pre-ordained deathfest?
X: Ah, the old standards.
G: A medical transport is delivering a monthly supply of blood to the hospital.
B: Hmm, vampire meals-on-wheels.
G: I'll bring the weaponry.
B: I'll bring the party mix.
B: Have I ever let you down?
G: Do you want me to answer that, or shall I just glare?
JC: Morning, England.
G: Oh, hello, Ms., uh, Jenny.
W: Feel the passion.
JC: Willow...
W: Coughing, not speaking. *cough*
X: Those poor schlubs have to attend school on Saturday.
JC: 9AM okay with you, Xander?
B: You got a bit of schlub on your shoe, there.
JC: Cordelia's going to meet us.
X: Ooh, gang, did you hear that? A bonus day of class plus Cordelia. Mix in a little rectal surgery and it's my best day ever.
JC: Walk me to class?
G: Pleasure.
B: Look at them.
X: A twosome of cuteness.
W: Can't you just imagine them getting together?
[Off the trio's expressions... *eg*]
JC: I'm lying, Rupert. The book's fine. I just love to see you squirm.
G: Well, I trust I gave good... squirm.
JC: Did anyone ever tell you you're kind of a fuddy duddy?
G: Nobody ever seems to tell me anything else.
JC: Did anyone ever tell you you're kind of a sexy fuddy duddy?
G: No, actually, that part usually gets left out. I can't imagine why.
JC: This weekend.
G: Would you like to go out?
JC: No, I think I'd like to stay in.
JC: Saturday night. I'll see if I can make you squirm.
C: Well, evil just compounds evil, doesn't it? First, I'm sentenced to a computer tutorial on Saturday. Now I have to read some computer book. There are books on computers? Isn't the point of computers to replace books?
C: Can you help me with a ticket? It's totally bogus. It was a one-way street. I was going one way!
G: Cordelia!
C: What? Why does everyone always yell my name? I'm not deaf, and I can take a hint. ...What's the hint?
G: To come back later.
C: Yeah, when you've visited decaf-land.
Morgue Guy-Have you had your breakfast?
G: No.
MG: That was probably a good idea.
B: All's well that ends with cute E.R. doctors, I always say.
B: How did you know about this?
A: It's delivery day. Everybody knows about this.
B: I'm worried about Giles. He was supposed to meet me here.
A: Maybe he's late.
B: Giles? Who counts tardiness as, like, the eighth deadly sin?
A: You're right.
B: Giles, did you forget? The hospital, vampires, handy carry-out packets of blood?
G: So, you're back.
C: This isn't right. School on a Saturday. It throws off my internal clock.
X: When are we gonna need computers for real life, anyway?
JC: Hmmm, let's see: There's home, school, work, games...
X: You know, computers are on the way out. I think paper's gonna make a big comeback.
W: And the abacus.
X: Yeah, you know, you don't see enough abaci.
JC: All right, guys, the first thing we're going to do is... Buffy.
X: Huh? Did I fall asleep already?
W: Aw, you miss your friends?
X: Sit here, Buffs. De-militarize the zone between me and Cordelia.
C: Yeah, and de-louse him while you're at it.
B: He was acting, well, very anti-Giles.
B: I think he was drinking.
JC: He was home alone drinking?
W: But... tea, right?
X: No one can be wound as straight and narrow as Giles without a dark side erupting.
X: My Uncle Rory was the stodgiest taxidermist you ever met - by day. By night it was booze, whores, and fur flying. Were there whores?
B: He was alone.
X: Give it time.
C: I didn't think it was important.
X: We understand. It wasn't about you.
B: You sold me that dress for Halloween and nearly got us all killed.
E: But you looked great.
//whap!//
E: So now we're even?
B: I'll let you know when we're even.
B: Honesty. Nice touch.
E: It's one of my virtues. Not really.
W: I'm not going to get close enough to feel his pulse, but he looks dead.
X: Except for the walking and attacking Buffy part.
E: He's dead. Sorry, Philip, really am.
G: Is everyone all right?
C: Super. I kicked a guy!
X: Dead guy here interrupted our tutorial. Been meaning to thank you for that.
E: Hello, Ripper.
G: I thought I told you to leave town.
E: You did. I didn't.
C: Why did he call him Ripper?
G: You should have left when I told you.
C: Ohh!
W: Now there's something you don't see every day.
C: I'm going to be in therapy until I'm thirty.
C: This is what happens when you have school on Saturday.
B: Giles, what's going on?
G: It's complicated, Buffy, and quite frankly, it's private.
B: I don't care from private! I care from dead guys attacking us. I care from you lost weekending in your apartment.
B: Xander, how do you feel about digging though some of Giles' personal files and seeing what you can find?
X: I feel pretty good about it. Does that make me a sociopath? ....Nah.
Ey: Nothing's safe in this world, Rupert. Don't you know that by now?
W: Ah! A-ha! It's not Egyptian, it's Etruscan, mistaken for Egyptian by the design pattern, but any fool can see it predates its iconology.
C: I'm guessing eew.
X: Okay, Giles and orgies in the same sentence. I could have done without that one.
B: The dead guy's all puddly now.
Ey: You could take me home. Or you could take advantage of me in my weakened state.
G: Jenny, um, I'm really very attracted to you.
Ey: Good.
G: Now really isn't the right time.
Ey: There's never been a better time.
G: It's not right, I would be taking advantage.
Ey: God, you just don't change, do you?
G: What?
Ey: "It's not right." "It wouldn't be proper." "People might get hurt." You're like a woman, Ripper. You cry at every funeral. You never had the strength for me. You don't deserve me. But guess what? You've got me... under your skin.
Ey: Was it good for you?
Ey: Oh, you've never had the stomach. But that's okay, 'cause I'm about to rip it out.
B: Don't be sorry, be Giles.
B: Come on, we fight monsters, this is what we do. They show up, they scare us, I beat them up, and they go away.
G: I dropped out, went to London. Fell in with the worst crowd that would have me.
B: Giles, you're barely mobile, and speed is of the serious essence here.
B: Look, it's coming for you.
E: And you came to protect me. I'm touched.
B: Don't worry, it's nothing personal.
E: How does Ripper inspire such goodness?
B: Because he's Giles.
E: And I'm not. Still, lucky me!
B: I'm not much into running.
E: Aren't we manly?
B: One of us is. You're going to hide until it's over.
E: Excellent plan!
E: Oh, no, please. *thud!* Ladies first.
B: You know what? I'm not real interested in joining your club.
E: Too bad, I've already voted you in.
E: I hope you're not taking this personally, Buffy. I actually kind of like you. It's just that I like myself a lot more. If you think of it karmically, this is really big for your soul. You know, taking my place with the demon. Giving so that others may live.
B: I'm going to kill you. Will that blow the whole karma thing?
E: Sweet child.
E: Now, this may sting a little just at first. But don't worry, that'll go away once the searing pain kicks in.
W: We need to figure out how to kill this thing, and we need to do it fast.
X: Hot lava.
W: That's for a heretic.
X: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. Uh, ooh, ooh, "bury a potato." No, that's for warts. Who writes this stuff?!
C: I've got the solution right here. "To kill a demon, cut off its head."
X: Oh, yeah, we'll find Ms. Calendar, then we'll decapitate her. Hey, she'll be the first headless computer teacher in school. You think anybody'll notice?
C: Do you know what you need, Xander, besides a year's supply of acne cream? A brain.
X: That's it! Twelve years of you, and I'm snappin'. I don't care if you're a girl or not, I'm throwing down. Come on!
C: I've seen you fight. And don't think I can't take you.
X: Give it your best shot.
W: Hey! We don't have time for this. Our friends are in trouble! Now, we have to put our heads together and get them out of it. And if you two aren't with me 110%, then get the hell out of my library!
C: We're sorry.
X: We'll be good.
W: Oh, I've got it, I've got it!
X: She's good!
E: Well, I hate to mutilate and run, but...
A: I've had a demon inside me for a couple hundred years. Just waiting for a good fight.
B: Winner and still champion.
X: I think that Ethan guy disappeared again.
B: Darn, I really wanted to hit him until he bled.
B: You know what the worst thing is? I was saving up for some very important shoes, and now I have to blow my entire allowance to get this stupid tattoo removed.
B: Hey, maybe you should consider a career as a Watcher.
W: Oh, no, I don't think I could handle the stress.
X: And the dental plan's crap.
JC: I'm fine. I mean, I'm not running around, wind in my hair, the hills are alive with the sound of music fine, but...
B: Is she okay?
G: Um, the hills are not alive.
B: I'm sorry to hear that. I think.
B: I'm so used to you being a grownup, and then I find out that you're a person.
G: Most grownups are.
B: Who would have thought?
B: I think we're supposed to be training right now.
G: Yes, yes. Need to concentrate on your flexibility.
B: And you know what? I have just the perfect music. Go on, say it. You know you want to.
G: It's not music, it's just meaningless sounds.
B: There. Feel better?
G: Yes. Thanks.
G: Bay City Rollers - now, that's music.
B: I didn't hear that.