The Crush
B=Buffy, G=Giles, X=Xander, W=Willow, S=Spike, A=Anya, D=DawnT=Tara, J=Joyce, DR=Drusilla, H=Harmony
B: I'm back by popular demand.
J: I'm relieved that you're home. Because, to be honest, I wasn't feeling all that safe with you gone... At first, and then I remembered that Rupert was here, and I felt much, much safer.
G: Yes, thank you for that little back-pedal, but I'm forced to agree that I'm barely an adequate substitute for a Slayer in the house.
G: About the best thing you can do now is behave exactly as you always have. Any special treatment at this stage is likely to undermine Dawn's sense of normality.
B: You think so?
G: Absolutely.
B: Thanks. Dawn!
D: What?
B: What did I tell you about borrowing my clothing?
H: Oh, I'm gonna stake you! I'm coming after you, you bad, evil vampire, and I'm gonna slay you! I'm sneaking up, and I'm gonna stake you so much, with my slaying powers that I have because I'm the Chosen-- eek! Oh, Spike!
T: Also, you can tell it's not gonna have a happy ending when the main guy's all bumpy.
W: What did you think, Buffy?
B: Test isn't until tomorrow, right? I don't have an opinion till then.
W: But you read it, right?
B: Kind of not. I rented the movie.
T: Oh, with Charles Laughton?
B: I don't know. Was he one of the singing gargoyles?
W: Oh, boy.
B: I'm kidding!
B: "Unconfirmed reports of severe trauma to the throats of one or more of the victims." Survey says... vampire.
S: I've got things to do. Bad, evil things.
S: They're just trying to keep you safe, I expect.
D: I feel safe with you.
S: [chokes] Take that back!
D: And the lady just invited you in?
S: Well, I had hubby by the throat, didn't I? Promised her he'd live if she did the invite.
D: And did you... let him live?
S: What do you think?
D: Oh.
S: Too much for you?
D: No, keep going.
S: And I kill 'em, right quick. The whole lot. But... there's someone missing. There's supposed to be this little girl... So I get real quiet, and I hear this tiny noise coming from the coal bin. This little sigh. So I listened harder... it's very, very quiet...
[door slams open]
S: Oh, bloody hell.
B: Yeah, let's hear the story Spike is telling my little sister.
S: Right. Yeah. So, uh, I knew the girl was in the coal bin. And I rip it open, very violently, and haul her out of there. And then I gave her to a good family, in a nice home, where they're never, ever mean to her and didn't lock her in a coal bin.
B: Why doesn't that register with you? Crypt plus vampire equals bad.
B: Hanging out with Spike is not cool, Dawn, okay? It is dangerous, and... icky.
B: You cannot have a crush on something that is dead and evil and a vampire.
D: Spike's completely in love with you.
B: Huh?
X: So, tell me again what we're looking for?
B: Clues.
X: Okay. Could you give me a clue about what kind of clues?
B: She thinks that... she said that... Spike's in love with me.
X: [laughs]
B: I'm not joking.
X: Oh, I hope not. It's funnier if it's true.
X: How did she come to this extremely entertaining conclusion?
B: I think she has a crush on him.
X: What?
B: I mean, I always knew that he had this... weird fixation with me...
X: I'm the one she has a crush on. Me! It's always been me. Big, funny Xander! Oh, what, she just suddenly decides I'm not the cool one anymore? Why is that okay?
S: I got a bit of info you might be keen on knowing.
B: Sorry, all out of cash. Why don't you hit on Giles-- hit UP Giles.
S: Come on, what are you waiting for? Grab your coat and your pointy sticks.
B: Eww.
S: It's not blood, it's bourbon.
B: Eww.
S: Well, that was sad. I'm embarrassed for our kind.
B: These vamps have been here for a while. They've nested.
S: So, you're saying they're a couple of poofters?
B: The late night stake-out, the bogus suspects, the flask... is this a date?
S: A... please! A date! You are completely off your bird! I mean-- do you want it to be?
S: You can't deny it-- there's something between us.
B: Loathing. Disgust.
S: Heat. Desire.
B: You're like a serial killer in jail.
S: Women marry 'em all the time!
B: You don't know what feelings are.
S: I damn well do! I lie awake every night.
B: You sleep during the day!
S: Yeah, bu-- You are missing the point.
S: Sounds fun.
DR: It is. Like lollipops at the circus.
S: Poor Spike's become a cautionary tale for vampires, right? "You better be good, kiddies, or else they might wire you up some day."
H: Now you've gone and picked up some cheap Queen of the damned to dress up like your precious Droodzilla.
H: No threesomes unless it's boy, boy, girl. Or Charlize Theron.
H: After breaking my sweet Boo-Boo's heart!
DR:: [mouths to Spike] Boo-Boo?
S: I think it'd be best now if you hit the road.
H: Why? Because she's back?
S: No. Because I am.
J: Honey, did you, somehow, unintentionally, lead him on in any way? Send him signals?
B: Well, I do beat him up a lot. For Spike, that's like third base.
W: Buffy, you have to talk to him again.
B: What? No! No, no, no. I have to avoid him again.
J: Better to nip this in the bud before...
B: The bud nips me?
W: If you want, Buffy, I can go with. Back you up with some scowlin'.
B: Maybe this whole thing's just been blown way out of proportion and he's already gone back to wanting me dead.
W: Her's hoping.
DR: You've taken my chair. and the music hasn't stopped.
DR: We love quite well... if not wisely.
S: I'm gonna kill Drusilla for you.
B: That doesn't prove anything... except that you're a sick, miserable vampire that I should have dusted a long time ago. And, hey! Already there.
S: Don't mock this.
B: Go mock yourself.
S: What the hell does it take?! Why do you bitches torture me?!
B: Which question do you want me to answer first?
H: I gave you the best bunch of months of my life!
DR: That's right, little girl. Teach our naughty boy a lesson.
S: Oh, so now you're all ganging up.
B: What part of punching you in the face did you not understand?