Conversations with Dead People
B=Buffy, D=Dawn, X=Xander, W=Willow, S=Spike, A=AnyaH=Holden Webster, C=Cassie, A=Andrew, J=Jonathan, Wa=Warren
A: You're just scared.
J: Of course I'm scared. The last time we were here 33.3% of us were flayed alive.
A: Calm down. No one's getting flayed alive.
J: We should have stayed in Mexico.
A: Ah, I didn't like it there. Everybody spoke Mexican.
J: You could have learned it. You learned the entire Klingon dictionary in 2-1/2 weeks.
A: That had much clearer transitive and intransitive rules, okay?
J: Disday ebolve, te tu vhoreh.
A" "It eats you, starting with your bottom."
A: We're outlaws with hearts of gold.
D: Anchovies, anchovies, you're so delicious, I love you more than all the other fishes.
D: Taste my blade, spawn of evil!
W: I know you. I mean, I saw your picture.
C: I know, it's kind of weird, 'cause we never really met.
W: Or kind of weird 'cause you're really dead.
C: Yeah, well..
H: We went to school together. European History. I let you crib off my Vaclav Havel essay that time.
B: I didn't recognize you, you know, your face all demon, and I think you've filled out a lot.
B: So, what have you been up to?
H: Oh well, apparently, dying.
H: I took a year off to do an internship at the Sunnydale Mental Hospital.
B: Wow, that's got to be a... popular joint.
H: I keep telling them we ought to get a velvet rope and bouncer.
H: Hey, you remember Jason Wheeler? You know, Crazy Jay?
B: Oh, yeah.
H: He always had that schtick, "Oh, I'm crazy, I'm crazy!"
B: How is he?
H: Crazy. He's been in the chronic ward since graduation.
H: So I'm a vampire. How weird is that?
H: No, no! Feels great. Strong, like I'm connected to a powerful, all-consuming evil that's going to suck the world into a fiery oblivion. How about you?
B: Not so much connected.
H: With the stake and the cross... you do this thing a lot?
H: Scott Hope said you were gay.
B: What?! I dated that ringworm!
H: He says that abut every woman he breaks up with. And then, last year, big surprise, he comes out.
B: Men. Do I know how to pick 'em?
H: So all that time you were a Slayer.
B: The.
H: "The" like as in, the only one?
B: Yeah, what I really need is emotional therapy from the evil dead.
J: Get up, you wuss.
A: I have shin splints.
J: I ain't going back to the big house. That place changes a man.
J: Una cuesta!
A: We find it, we alert the Slayer, we help her destroy it, we save Sunnydale. Then we join her gang and possibly hang out at her house.
A: You keep leaving. I hate it when you leave me. One time you died and I ended up a Mexican.
Wa: If you strike me down...
A: "I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine." Of course. Do you think maybe Willow could kill me, too?
A: "That boy is our last hope."
Wa: "No, there is another."
A: Wait, really? Who's our last hope?
Wa: No, I was just going with it. It was a thing.
B: It never lasts.
H: Do you mean all relationships, or just yours?
B: My parents weren't exactly the paragon of stay-togetheriness.
B: Protecting myself? From heartbreak, misery, sexual violence, and possible death? Not so much.
H: From committing.
B: I commit! I'm committed. I'm a committee.
B: I think you're confusing me because you're evil.
H: I just think you're in some pain here, which I do kind of enjoy, 'cause I'm evil now...
H: It's not exactly like you have the patent on bad relationships.
B: But wouldn't it be cool if I did?
H: It doesn't mean I'm gonna go vampify her just so we can be together forever.
B: Sire.
H: What?
B: The word. When you turn a human into a vampire, it's you sire them
H: Cool.
B: It's a noun, too.
H: Oh, I have so much to learn!
H: I mean, I was afraid to talk to you in high school, and now we're, like, mortal enemies. Hey, wouldn't it be cool if we became nemeses?
B: Is that how you say the word?
H: We're gonna have to fight to the death, aren't we?
B: It's the time-honored custom.
H: Wow, reality just shows up sometimes, doesn't it?
H: But, you know, I've got the blood-lust pumping, and I kind of get it. I'm looking for a fight. And, oh, it's nothing personal.
B: Oh, no, I mean, you've been great.
H: Hello, two years of Tae Kwon Do, and vampire strength. I think somebody's counting their chickens.
H: No, no. I get the battle against evil. That's not the issue.
B: There is no issue. Don't "issue" me!
B: Okay, you know, this is beyond evil, this is insane troll logic.
H: Maybe you think you're better than them.
B: Say, there's that blood-lust I was looking for.
H: Struck a nerve.
B: I'm gonna strike a nerve-cluster in a minute, you don't get off this!
B: I don't remember you being this annoying.
H: You don't remember me at all!
H: Clearly, you were in your own little world in high school, all chosen, all destiny. Who could live with that for seven years and not feel superior?
H: Buffy, I'm here to kill you, not to judge you.
H: There's nothing wrong with you. Everyone's got issues.
B: You son-of-a-bitch.
H: What?
B: I think I'm gonna kill you just a little bit more than usual.
H: Aw, come on. I mean, we had a moment, you opened up. It was really sweet. It made me want to bite you. I'm sorry if I overstepped my bounds, I'm just new to this whole mortal enemy stuff. Pretty fast learner, though, right?
B: See, you're dead. That enough of a moment for ya?
H: Okay, but are you killing me 'cause I'm evil, or because you opened up?
B: What is wrong with you?
H: Nothing. I've got no worries. I'm dead! Biggest thing on my mind is whether or not Trisha Waldman came to my funeral or not. You remember her. Ohh, biteable!
B: See, this is what I hate about you vampires. Sex and death and love and pain -- it's all the same damn thing to you.
H: Oh my god!
B: Oh, your god, what?
H: Oh, well, you know, not my god, because I defy him and all of his works. Does he exist? Is there word on that, by the way?
B: Nothing solid.
C: You were grieving.
W: A lot of people grieve -- they don't make with the flaying.
W: Did I mention the random destruction of property? The Magic Box is not so much a box now.
B: You know, this is complicated -- if you'd rather just fight...
H: And I thought I was diabolical... or at least, I plan to be.
W: I'm not strong. I'm not an Amazon. I'm just me.
W: "From beneath you, it devours."
C: Oh, not it. Me.