Band Candy
B=Buffy, G=Giles, X=Xander, W=Willow, C=Cordelia, O=Oz, A=AngelJ=Joyce, PS=Principal Snyder, T=Mr. Trick
M=Mayor, E=Ethan, MB=Miss Barton
M=Mayor, E=Ethan, MB=Miss Barton
G: "And on that tragic day, an era came to its inevitable end." That's all there is. Are you ready?
B: Hit me.
G: Which of the following best expresses the theme of the passage: A) Violence breeds violence, B) All things must end, C)...
B: B! I'm going with B. We haven't had B in forever.
G: This is the SATs, Buffy. Not connect the dots. Please pay attention. A low score could seriously harm your chances of getting into college.
B: Gee, thanks. That takes the pressure right off.
G: This isn't meant to be easy you know. It's a rite of passage
B: Is it too late to join a tribe where they just pierce something or cut something off?
B: I broke my No. 2 pencil. We'll have to do this again sometime.
G (handing Buffy a new pencil): C) All systems tend towards chaos.
T: I can get you what you need. I know a beast who knows a guy.
M: I made certain deals to get where I am today. This demon requires its tribute. You see, that's what separates me from other politicians, Mr. Trick. I keep my campaign promises.
M: Where'd I put that scotch?
B: And then I was being chased by an improperly filled in answer bubble screaming "None of the above."
W: Wow. I hope that wasn't one of your prophecy dreams.... Probably not.
O: I could help you get ready. There's this whole trick to antonyms but.... this isn't the place.
W: Oz is the highest scoring person never to graduate!
B: Isn't she cute when she's proud?
O: She's always cute.
C: Oh god. Are we killing something tonight?
B: Only my carefree spirit.
W: Oz is the highest scoring ....
C: We know. We did the impressed thing already.
X: I hate they make us take that thing [SAT]. It's totally fascist, and personally, I think it discriminates against the uninformed.
C: Actually, I'm looking forward to it. I do well on standardized tests. What? I can't have layers?
B: I'm supervised 24/7. It's like being in the Real World house. Only real.
W: Ooh! Candy bars! Lots of 'em!
X: Principal Snyder, thank you! You weren't visited by the ghost of Christmas past by any chance?
B: Let's hear it for the band.
X: Those tall fuzzy hats aren't cheap, huh?
O: But they go with everything.
B: I'm sure we love the idea of going all Willy Loman, but we're not in the band.
PS: And if I'd handed you a trombone that would be a problem, Summers. It's candy. Sell it.
J: Buffy, what would I do with 40 chocolate bars?
B: You could hand them out at the gallery. Buy something pre-Columbian; get a free cavity!
B: You're a good mom.
J: The best.
B: No, I'm pretty sure the best moms let their daughters drive.
B: I'm not taking off again. Besides, if I wanted to, I could just get on a bus.
J: Don't you think Mr. Giles is monopolizing an awful lot of your time?
B: And does he ever say he's sorry?
B: Ow!
G: I'm sorry.
B: OK. You're just doing this to take funny pictures of me.
B: You ran out of new training ideas about a week ago, huh?
G: It's not that simple is it... OW!
A: It's late. How'd you get away?
B: It was easy. Started a fire in the prison laundry room; rode out in the garbage truck.
B: Do you guys want to watch some television? I hear there's a very insightful Nightline on.
J: Were you at the Bronze? What was happening there that was so important?
B: Bronze things. Things of Bronze.
B: You're both scheduling me 24 hours a day. Between the two of you that's 48 hours!
G: All right, come on. Let's not, uh, freak out.
B: Freak out?!
E: Trust me. You don't want to eat that.
C: I heard there's a secret rule that if a teacher is more than 10 minutes late, we can all leave early.
B: It's Giles's turn to watch Study Hall. He'll be here. He's allergic to late.
C: He is wound a little tight. I had this philosophy book checked out for, like, a year, and he made me pay the fine even though it was huge. I was sad to return it. It was perfect for starting conversations with college boys. Of course, that was BX.
B: BX?... Before Xander. Cute.
X: I like chocolate. There is no bad here.
W: I went to, like, four houses and they were gone. It's like trick or treating in reverse.
X: I know! These things are selling like hot cakes. Which is ironic 'cause the hot cakes really aren't moving.
X: The band. They're great. They march.
W: Like an army. Except with music instead of bullets, and usually no one dies.
C: Where is Giles already? I'm bored and he's not here to give me credit for it.
PS: Everybody expects me to do everything around here because I'm the principal. It's not fair!
MB: Let's just sit quietly and pretend we're reading something until we're really sure old Commandant Snyder's gone. Then we're all outta here!
X: Does anyone else want to marry Miss Barton?
C: Get in line.
J: Take the car, and Mr. Giles can drive me home.
B: What? Excuse me, I meant WHAT?!
J: Keys. Take them.
B: You don't have to tell me twice. Well, actually, you did but... Bye!
J: Do you think she noticed anything?
G: *lighting cig* No way.
W: Tell me again how it happened?
B: I told my mom I wanted to be treated like a grown up, and voila! Driveyness! Also, I think she wanted me otherwhere. Considering my mom and Giles are planning my future, I think it's easier for them to live my life if I'm not actually there.
W: Do you know that you have the parking brake on?
W: Are you sure about the Bronze? I mean, the SATs are tomorrow.
B: We can study at the Bronze. A little dancing, a little cross-multiplying.
J: You've got good albums.
G: Yeah, they're okay.
J: Do you like Seals & Crofts?
G: *look*
J: Me neither.
J: So, why do they call you Ripper?
G: Wouldn't you like to know?
J: Hey, Ripper, you wanna watch TV? I know how to order pay per view.
B: Let's do the time warp again.
W: Maybe there's a reunion in town.... or a Billy Joel tour or something.
B: Miss Barton?
MB: Buffy, whoa!
W: You okay, Miss Barton?
MB: Oh I'm cool, Willow. Willow. That's a tree. You're a tree. Are there any nachos in here, Little Tree?
W: This is not normal. Maybe that goes without saying.
PS: Hey gang! This place is fun city, huh?
B: Principal Snyder?!
PS: Call me Snyder. Just the last name. Like Barbarino. Oh, I'm so stoked!!
PS: Hey did you see Miss Barton? I think she's wasted. I'm gonna have to put that in her next performance review....'cause.... 'cause I'm the principal!
W: I don't like this. They could have heart attacks.
B: Well, maybe there's a doctor here.
W: I think that is my doctor. He's usually less topless.
PS: Whoa! There are some foxy ladies here tonight!
B: They're acting like a bunch of us.
W: I don't act like this.
T: That's the reason I love this country. You make a good product, and the people will come to you. Of course, a lot of them are going to die, but that's the other reason I love this country.
O: Teenagers. That's a sobering mirror to look into, huh?
PS (to Oz): You've got great hair.
*Louie, Louie*
W: It just gets more upsetting.
*Louie, Louie*
B: No vampire has ever been that scary.
B: We have to figure out what's going on. This has Hellmouth fingerprints all over it.
PS: Hey, where are we going? Wait up you guys. You guys aren't trying to ditch me are you?
PS: Whoa, Summers, you drive like a spaz!
W: It'll be okay when we get to Giles.
O: Of course, I mean, even if he's sixteen he's still Giles, right? He's probably a pretty together guy.
W: Yeah, well....
O: What?
B: Giles at sixteen? Less Togetherı Guy, more Bad Magic, Hates the World, Ticking Time Bombı Guy.
O: Well, then I guess your mom's in a lot of trouble.
J: That's cool! Very Juice Newton.
PS: This is great! Let's do donuts in the football field.
G: Ooo. Copper's got a gun!
J: You are so cool. You're like Burt Reynolds.
W: Anybody else all creeped out and trembly?
B: Something's weird.
O: Something's not?
B: So where are all the vampires? The soup's on but no one's grabbing a spoon.
O: Something's happening. Someplace that's else.
PS: That guy took my candy!
B: The candy. It's gotta be the candy, it's cursed.
PS: Curse? I've got curse?
B: You guys get Xander and Cordelia. Go to the library and look it up.
O: Candy curses?
W: Disturbing second childhood. Got it.
B: Rat boy and I are going to the source.
B: Mom! Where did you get that coat?!
B: Giles, think about this. You want to fight me, or do you want to let me
talk to my mom?
J: Hey, look, they're giving away candy. You want some candy?
B: No, I don't, and you don't need any more either.
J: I'm fine. I can have more if I want.
B: You are not fine. You need to go home.
J: Screw you. I want candy.
B: Mom--
J: You wanna slay stuff and I'm not allowed to do anything about it. Well this is what I wanna do so get off my back.
G: Oh for god's sake, let your mum have a sodding candy bar.
B: Mom, look at your car. Look at that dent the size of New Brunswick. I did that.
J: Oh my God! What was I thinking when I bought the geek machine?
B: Listen to me--
G: No, you listen to me. I'm your Watcher so you do what I tell you. Now sod off!
PS: Hey, Brit-face, wait up!
E: Yeah, I've been out there. The town's wide open. You guys can go any time.
B: Ethan Rayne.
E: You might want to hurry.
C: At first it was fun, you know. They seemed like they were in this really good mood. Not like parents. And then...
W: Badness?
C: Mom started borrowing my clothes. There should be an age limit on Lycra pants. Dad, he just locked himself in the bathroom with old copies of Esquire.
X: I don't get this. The candy's supposed to make you feel all immature and stuff, but I've had a ton and I don't feel any diff--never mind.
C: You wanna swap?
W: What? Swap?
C: You wanna swap. This book is really thick and I'm not sure it's in English.
G (breathing hard): Bloody hell.
B: That's what smoking'll do to you.
B: Look, a box full of farm fresh chicken.
PS: So, are you two...kinda...like, um...going steady?
B: So, Ethan, what are we playing? We're pretty much in a talk or bleed situation. Your call.
G: Hit him.
E: I'd just like to point out that this wasn't my idea.
B: Meaning?
E: I'm subcontracting. It's Trick you want. I'm just helping him collect a tribute. For a demon.
G: He's lying. Go on, hit him.
B: I don't think he is. And shut up.
G: You're my Slayer. Go knock his teeth down his throat.
B: Which brings us to the bonus question, and believe me when I tell you a wrong answer will cost you all your points.
PS: She whupped you good, huh? I can do that. I took Tae Kwan Do at the Y.
B: See if you guys can find something to tie him up with.
J: [sheepishly hands Buffy handcuffs]
B: Never tell me.
J: Something's gonna eat those babies?
PS: I think that is so wrong.
G: She says she never saw who took them. Dozy cow.
B: I know who took them.
G: Well then let's do something. Let's find the demon and kick the crap out of it.
G: Larconis dwells beneath the city, filth to filth.
B: What?
G: Ooh. I know this. I knew this. Larconis means glutton, and we'll find it in the sewers.
J: The sewers?
PS: Uh, good. You go do that thing with the demon, and I'll stay here in case the babies, you know, uh, find their way back.
G: You filthy little poncer, are you afraid of a little demon?
PS: If you want to splash around in the poo, you're the filthy one.
B: I need help, okay? Giles, I need grown-ups. These children are gonna die if we don't act now, okay, and think clearly. There is no room for mistakes. Besides which, you guys are just wigging me out.
B: Snyder, go home.
S: I can do that.
B: Giles, we're going to the sewers. [turns to see J & G kissing] And don't do that.
M: Carol? Hi, yeah, call Dave on the public works committee tomorrow about sewer maintenance and repair. I have some concerns regarding exposed gas pipes, infrastructure, ventilation. And, um, cancel my three o'clock.
T: Ordinarily I like other people to do my fighting for me. But I just gotta see what you got.
B: Just tell me when it hurts.
T: You and me girl. There's hot times ahead.
B: They never just leave. Always gotta say something.
J: Can we go home now?
B: Yeah, we can go home. I've got the SATs tomorrow.
J: Oh, blow them off. I'll write you a note.
M: This didn't turn out the way I had planned.
T: Where's the down side? You just got yourself one less demon you have to pay tribute to. The way I see it, I did you a favor.
M: I guess you did. In the future, I'd be very careful how many favors you do for me.
PS: You look like four young people with too much time on your hands
O: Not really.
C: Busy like a bee actually. Bee-like.
W: Kiss rocks? Why would anyone want to--oh, wait, I get it.
B: It was just too much to deal with. It was like nothing made sense anymore. The things that I thought I understood were gone. I just felt so alone.
G: Was that the math or the verbal?
B: Mostly the math.
G: Well if you scored low then you can always take them again.
B: More SATs. Is there really a point? I could die before I even apply to college.
G: And then you very possibly might not.
B: Well, let's just keep hope alive.
G: I say, your car seems to have had an adventure, doesn't it?
J: Buffy assures me that it happened battling evil, so I'm letting her pay for it on the installment plan.
B: Hey, the way things were going, be glad that's the worst that happened. At least I got to the two of you before you actually did something.
J: Right.
G: Indeed
J: Yes.