Something Blue
B=Buffy, G=Giles, W=Willow, X=Xander, A=Anya, S=Spike, R=Riley
R: Hey, Buffy.
B: Is there something you want to tell me?
R: What?
//Buffy looks at "Lesbian Alliance" sign//
R: Oh. Yes, I am a lesbian.
B: Well, it's good that you're so open about it.
R: I thought maybe we could have a little spread - sandwiches, maybe some ants. Could be fun.
B: We were talking about a picnic?
R: Oh... so, was that a conversation I actually had or one I was just practicing?
B: Practicing?
R: Okay, yes, I have been known to do a little prep work before our conversations. It's not easy, you know, talking to you sometimes. It's like an oral exam.
B: Boy, that's just what every girl longs to hear.
R: Well, you're tricky.
B: Like an exam?
R: I never know how you're gonna react to something. That's why I like you so much. You're a mystery. Probably every beautiful girl in the world has some jerk telling her she's a mystery, but... I swear, you really are. There's a lot about you that needs puzzling out. < pause > I lose you somewhere?
B: Right around... "beautiful".
R: Say, don't you just love a picnic?
B: It's just... different, you know? A picnic! First of all, daylight. That's kind of a new venue, Buffywise. And the best part - he said that he would bring all the food, so all I have to do is show up and eat. Those are two things I'm really good at.
W: So he's nice?
B: Very, very.
W: And there's sparkage?
B: Yeah. He's... have you seen his arms? Those are... good arms to have.
B: I just... feel like something's missing.
W: He's not making you miserable?
B: Exactly. Riley seems so solid. Like... he wouldn't cause me heartache.
W: Get out. Get out while there's still time.
B: I have to get away from that "bad boy" thing. There's no good there.
B: Hello to the pain.
W: The pain is not a friend.
B: I know it's nuts, but part of me believes that real love and passion have to go hand-in-hand with pain and fighting. < stakes vamp > I wonder where I get that from?
B: So. You saw their faces, but you can't describe them.
S: Well, they were human. Two eyes each, kind of in the middle.
S: I'm trying to remember. It was very traumatic.
B: How long are you gonna pull this crap?
S: How long am I gonna live once I tell you?
G: Spike, we have no intention of killing a harmless, um, creature.
G: We can't let you go until we're sure that you're impotent or-
S: Hey!
G: Sorry, poor choice of words. Until we know that you're...
B: Flaccid?
S: You are one step away, missy!
B: Giles, help! He's gonna scold me.
B: Maybe we made it a little too comfy in here for you.
S: Comfy? I'm chained in a bathtub, drinking pigs blood from a novelty mug. Doesn't rate huge in the Zagat's guide.
B: Oh, look at my poor neck... all bare and tender and exposed. All that blood, just pumping away.
G: Oh, please.
S: Giles, make her stop!
G: If those two don't kill each other, I might lend a hand.
G: A truth spell. Of course, why didn't I think of that?
W: 'Cause you had your hands full with the un-dead English patient?
W: I'll be back in the morning with doughnuts and motherwort.
G: She seems to be coping better with Oz's departure, don't you think?
B: Well, she still has a way to go, but... yeah. I think she's dealing.
S: What, are you people blind? She's hangin' on by a thread. Any ninny can see that.
W: I guess this means he's planning on settling down somewhere. Else. Not here.
S: Come on, now! It's telly time! "Passions" is on! Timmy's down a bloody well, and if you make me miss it, I'll...
G: Do what? Lick me to death?
G: Look, uh, Willow, I think we ought to try the spell. Among other things, I'd like to shower sometime today. Alone.
B: Driving?
R: Yeah.
B: You seriously drive for fun?
R: Well, not 4-wheeling or anything, but yeah. Don't you?
B: Actually, no-wheeling is more my specialty.
B: Cars and Buffy are like... unmixy things.
R: You can have the best time in a car. It's not about getting somewhere. You have to take your time... forget about everything. You just relax... let it wash over you... the air... the motion. Let it roll.
B: We ARE talking about driving, right?
R: I thought I was.
W: I interrupted. You've got apples. My miss.
X: Jeeze. You mean Oz just sent for his stuff and didn't even call her? That's pretty harsh.
A: I only wish I had my powers back. I'd liquify his entrails for her.
X: That's sweet.
B: Wow. Way to rebound.
X: I believe that's the dance of a brave little toaster.
W: I know I've been sort of a party poop lately. So I said to myself, "Self," I said, "It's time to shake and shimmy it off."
W: Yeah, I just figure, in the grand scheme of things, we're all just...
B: Drunk?
W: Drunk - that's such a strong word. Kind of a guttural Anglo-Saxon word. "Drunk."
X: Will, not liking the drowning of the sorrows.
W: Not drowning, wading. Uh, see? Light. No big.
B: No big? Anybody remember when Buffy had the fun beer fest and went one million years B.C.?
X: Sadly, without the fuzzy bikini.
A: Off topic, Xander.
B: Okay, you know what? I'm taking you home.
W: No. I don't want to.
B: Well, you'll thank me when you still have a friend in the morning.
W: Did Buffy tell you about the beer? 'Cause...
G: Buffy didn't tell me anything.
W: Oh, well, forget about the beer part, then.
G: Happily.
S: I won't have you doing mojo on me if you can't read properly. You could turn me into a stink beetle or what-all.
G: That would be a generous ending for you, Spike.
W: I _am_ a bad witch.
B: No, you're a good witch.
W: The only real witch here is fuzzy little Amy.
B: I think you're being too hard on yourself.
W: She's got access to powers I can't even invoke. I mean, first she a perfectly normal girl... //rat becomes happy Amy//...then poof, she's a rat. //Happy Amy turns back into rat// I could never do that.
W: I figured since I'm kinda grievy, we could, you know, have a girls night. You know, eat sundaes and watch "Steel Magnolias", and you can tell me how at least I don't have diabetes.
W: He's probably just standing out there. You'll find him in two seconds.
B: I thought that was gonna take longer.
S: Me too.
S: Let me in! Fix me.
B: One more word out of you, and I swear...
S: Swear what? You're not gonna do anything to me. You don't have the stones.
B: Oh, I got the stones. I got a whole bunch of... stones.
S: Yeah? You're all talk.
B: Giles! I accidentally killed Spike! That's okay, right?
S: I get this spell reversed, they'll be finding your body for weeks.
B: Oh, make a move. Please. I'm dying for a good slay.
G: If the two of you could remain civil long enough to, uh...
B: It's just so sudden. I don't know what to say.
S: Just say yes, and make me the happiest man on earth.
B: Oh, Spike! Of course it's yes! Giles! You'll never believe what's happened!
W: I think we're all doomed to badness.
G: I'm certain it's a spell of some kind, because, um, well, it seems something else... is going wrong.
B: Here you go - 98.6.
G: Horribly wrong.
B: There's so much to decide. Ceremony, guests, reception...
S: Well, first thing, I'd say we're not having a church wedding.
B: How about a daytime ceremony, in the park?
S: Fabulous. Enjoy your honeymoon with the big pile of dust.
B: Under the trees. Indirect sunlight only.
S: A warm spring breeze tosses the leaves aside, and again, you're registering as Mr. & Mrs. Big-Pile-of-Dust.
B: Stop it! This is our wedding, and you're treating it like a big joke.
S: Oh, pouty. Look at that lip. Gonna get it. Gonna... get it.
B: Oh, stop.
G: Yes, please stop.
B: Giles, did you see my ring?
G: Thankfully, not very well.
B: From now on... we're family.
G: It's all right, I- I have more Scotch.
R: The wedding. What wedding?
B: My wedding. I'm getting married. Can you believe it?
R: I don't think no's a strong enough word.
B: I know, it's crazy. I mean, we fought for all those years, and then... Sometimes you just look at someone, and... you know. You know?
R: No.
B: I think maybe we fought because we couldn't admit how we really felt about each other.
R: Can we start again?
R: What's his name?
B: Who?
R: The groom.
B: Spike.
R: That's a name?
B: Don't be mad.
R: I'm not mad.
B: No, you are mad.
R: No, I am.
R: Who is this guy? Does he go here?
B: Spike? Oh, no, he's totally old.
R: Old.
B: Well, not as old as my last boyfriend was.
R: Okay. It's late. And I'm... I'm very tired now. So... I'm just gonna go far away and be... away.
B: But...
R: No. Stay.
B: They're ruining my happy day.
X: That's okay, Mom, we don't need any more snacks.
A: I liked those fruit roll-ups.
X: Shush. I thought she'd never clear out. Besides, just think of my lips as the fruit roll-ups of love. Okay, that was gross.
G: So the plan is to cure my total incapacitating blindness tomorrow, is it?
S: I don't like him. He's insipid. Clearly human.
B: Oh! Red paint. We can smear a little on the mouth. The blood of the innocent.
S: That's my girl!
G: Stop that right now! I can hear the smacking.
B: Honey, we need to talk about the invitations. Now, do you want to be "William the Bloody" or just "Spike"? 'Cause either way, it's gonna look majorly weird.
S: Whereas the name "Buffy" gives it that touch of classic elegance.
B: What's wrong with "Buffy"?
G: Oh, such a good question.
S: Well, it's a terrible name.
B: My mother gave me that name.
S: Your mother. Yeah, she's a genius.
B: Don't you start on my mother!
X: Spike! He's all untied! Which you probably noticed.
G: Stop, whatever you're doing. You smell like fruit roll-ups.
S: This is the crack team that foils my every plan? I am deeply shamed.
A: Why are you holding hands?
S: They have to hear it sooner or later.
B: Spike and I are getting married!
X: How? What?!? How?!
G: Three excellent questions.
S: What are you lookin' at?
B: The man I love.
X: Can I be blind too?
X: Something about Willow and her griefy "poor me" mood swings. So, so tired of it.
A: You mean I don't have to be nice about her anymore?
X: Yeah, right. You're marrying Spike because you're so right for each other.
B: Xander!
S: That's it. You're off the usher list.
B: Besides, it's kind of my job.
S: For now.
B: What, you want me to stop working?
S: Well, let's see - do I want you to give up killing my friends? Yeah, I've given it some thought.
S: Ooh, fluffy. Wear this to the rehearsal dinner, and the whole thing's off.
B: Shut up, honey.
D'Hoffryn: You have much anger and pain. Your magic is strong, but your pain... It's like a scream that pierces dimensional walls. We heard your call.
W: I'm sorry. I'll try for a... quiet rage. Bye.
A: I'd been dumped. I was miserable. Doing a few vengeance spells - boils on a penis, nothing fancy.
X: Please skip ahead.
S: If they get in, I don't know if I can protect you.
B: You think you have to protect me?
S: Oh, not with the girl-power bit!
W: Really, no offense intended. I mean, you've been super nice and everything, but I don't want to be a demon.
D'Hoffryn: Oh, well. Here is my talisman. You change your mind, give us a chant.
B: Uhh! Spike lips! Lips of Spike!
A: How long are you going to keep making these?
W: Oh... until I don't feel so horribly guilty. I figure about a million chips from now. Also, I have to detail Giles' car.
W: Look, cookies! A very not-evil thing I did. Oatmeal?
G: Yes, very funny. They're chocolate chip. I can see them. I still need my glasses - you couldn't be more specific and give me 20/20?
W: Eat a cookie and ease my pain?
B: Mmm. Better?
W: Well, baking lifts about 30% of my guilt. But only 7% of my inner turmoil.
S: Don't I get a cookie?
B: No.
S: Well, I gotta have something. I still have Buffy taste in my mouth.
B: You're a pig, Spike.
S: Yeah, well, I'm not the one who wanted "Wind Beneath My Wings" for the first dance.
W: Did I mention about the sorry part?
B: We may be into a forgetting spell later.
B: I saw that fear in your eyes when you caught me looking at wedding dresses, and I had to give you a hard time.
R: I did not have fear in my eyes.
B: Yes, you did. You were looking at me like I was a cartoon ball & chain.
R: So you decided to tell me you were getting married.
B: Uh-huh.
R: So, you're insane.
B: Uh-huh.
R: But you're still single?
B: Yes.
R: Okay, then. Just another little piece of the Buffy puzzle.
B: You have a lot to learn about women, Riley.
R: You're gonna teach me.