The Vamp Song/Buffy/Sunnydale/Tonight/Quintet Medley
by Maureen Wynn
Medley of "The Jet Song/Maria/America/Tonight/Quintet" from West Side Story

(sung by Spike, Angelus, and the big chorus line of vamps:)
When you're a vamp, you're a vamp all the way,
From your first suck of blood, to your last undying day,
When you're a vamp, if the Slayer's in town,
You got brothers around, You're a demon-man!

You're never alone, You're never disconnected!
You're home with your own -- when the Slayer's expected,
You're well-protected!

Then you are set, with a capital V,
Which you'll never forget till they dust you away.
When you're a Vamp, you stay
a Vamp!

Here come the Vamps
like a bat out of hell --
Someone gets in our way,
Someone don't feel so well!
Here come the Vamps:
Mortal world, step aside!
Better go underground,
better run, better hide!

------------------------------------

(flashback solo for Angel:)
Buffy....
the most beautiful sound I've ever heard.
Buffy...
All the beautiful sounds of the world in a single word:
Buffy... Buffy!
I've just met a girl named Buffy,
And suddenly that name,
will never be the same
To me.

------------------------------------

(the Slayerettes:)
I like to be in Sunnydale!
Okay by me in Sunnydale!
Everything fine in Sunnydale,
Except at night in Sunnydale!

(Cordelia:)
I like the city of L.A.--

(Xander:)
I know a bus you can get on. Bye-bye!
(Cordelia:)
Hundreds of shops in the malls--
(Willow:)
Lots of trashy clothes to try on!

------------------------------------

(Drusilla:)
Drusilla's gonna get her kicks
Tonight.
We'll have our private little mix
Tonight.
He'll walk in cold and tired,
Poor Angel!
Don't matter if he's tired,
As long as he's here
Tonight!

(the judge:)
Tonight, tonight,
Won't be just any night,
Tonight there will be no morning star!
Tonight, tonight,
I'll end the world tonight,
And for demons, stars will stop where they are.
Today,
the minutes seem like hours,
The hours go so slowly,
And still the sky is light...
Oh moon, grow bright,
And make this endless day endless night!

(Spike to Angelus:)
I'm counting on you to be there
Tonight.
When the Judge kills the town
Tonight.
Sunnydale Mall will
go down!
And when the Slayer's toast
We'll tear up the town
Tonight!

(the vamps:)
Well, they began it!
(the Slayerettes:)
They began it!
(together:)
We'll stop 'em once and for all!
(vamps:)
The Vamps are gonna have their way,
(Buffy:)
The Slayer's gonna have her day,
(together:)
We're gonna rock it tonight.
Tonight!

I Feel Scary
by Dianne DeSha
To the tune of "I Feel Pretty" from West Side Story

DRUSILLA
I feel scary!
Oh, so scary!
I feel scary and wiggy and slay!
And I pity
Any vamp who isn't me today.

I feel wigsome!
Oh, so wigsome!
It's quite .sig-some how wigsome I feel!
And so scary
That I hardly can believe I'm real.

VAMP GIRLS
Have you met my good friend Drusilla
The craziest girl on the block?
You'll know her the minute you see her
She's the one who is in an advanced state of shock

She thinks she's in love,
She thinks she's in Prague.
She isn't in love,
She's merely agog!

It must be the bird,
Or some psychic scars,
Or worms in her food,
Or maybe the stars!

Keep away from her!
Send for Spike-o!
This is not the Drusilla we know!

Quiet and weak,
Spacey and unkind,
Batty and antique,
And out of her mind!

DRUSILLA
I feel scary!
Oh, so scary!
That the city should give me its key!
A buffet-bar
Should be organized to amuse me!

I feel dizzy!
I feel crazy!
I feel fizzy and dazey and fine!
And so scary
Missy Slayer-girl can just resign!

See the wiggy girl in that mirror there?
(No, you're a vamp!)
Who can that appalling girl be?
(She's out of her mind!)

Such a wiggy face!
Such a wiggy dress!
Such a wiggy smile!
Such a wiggy me!

DRUSILLA & GIRLS
I feel fearsome
And horrific
Feel like killing and maiming for joy!
For I'm loved
By a scary, demonic boy!

Gee Principal Snyder
by Dianne DeSha
To the tune of "Gee Officer Krupnik" from West Side Story

[The Slayerettes suddenly come face-to-face with an old nemesis....]

SNYDER
Hey you!

XANDER
Who me, Principal Snyder?

SNYDER
Yes you! Give me one good reason for not putting you in detention until the day you graduate, you little hormone-crazed locust!

XANDER
Dear kindly Mr. Snyder,
You gotta understand--
It's life as an outsider
That gets us out of hand.
One girlfriend is a mummy,
The other is a bug!
Ay, caramba! natcherly we're...
< sees random pretty girl smile at him > ...ugh!

SLAYERETTES
Gee, Principal Snyder,
We're very upset.
We never have the dates
That every teen oughta get.
We ain't no deliquents,
We're misunderstood.
Deep down inside us there is good!

XANDER
There is good!

SLAYERETTES
There is good, there is good,
There is untapped good.
Like inside, the worst of us is good!

SNYDER
That's a very nice story.

WILLOW
Let me tell it to the world!

SNYDER
Just tell it to her mother.

WILLOW
Dear kindly Mrs. Summers,
The bad guys treat me rough.
First they try to date me,
And then they try to snuff.
Caught Xander kissing Cordy,
Which freaked me just a tad.
Major wiggins! That's why I'm so bad!

MRS. SUMMERS
Right! Principal Snyder,
You're really a square.
This girl's parents are gone--
She needs a good mentor's care.
It's just her neurosis
That's got her perturbed.
She's psychologically disturbed.

WILLOW
I'm disturbed?

SLAYERETTES
We're disturbed, we're disturbed,
We're the most disturbed!
Like we're psychologically disturbed!

MRS. SUMMERS
In the opinion of this this parent, this child is depraved
because of a lack of proper adult influence in her life.

WILLOW
I'm depraved because I'm deprived?

MRS. SUMMERS
< pointing to GILES >
So take him to the School Board. You!

GILES
I... uh.... uh, well...

I aggravate the Slayer;
The Slayer frustrates me.
My girlfriend is a gypsy;
A demon's hunting me.
My Watcher role's expanded
To a club that isn't chess.
Bloody hell, now that's why I'm a mess!

SCHOOL BOARD MEMBER
Yes, Principal Snyder,
They shouldn't be here.
These kids don't need grounding,
They need a useful career!
The Hellmouth's played them a terrible trick
And sociologically they're sick!

GILES
Uh, yes... they're ...uh... uh... sick....

SLAYERETTES
We are sick, we are sick,
We are sick, sick, sick!
Like we're sociologically sick!

SCHOOL BOARD MEMBER
In my opinion, these kids do not need to be punished at all.
Juvenile delinquency is purely a social disease.

XANDER
Hey, I got a social disease!

SCHOOL BOARD MEMBER
So take them to a career counselor.

BUFFY
Dear kindly career tester,
They say I should think jobs--
Like be a landscape artist
While fighting demon mobs.
With slaying, dates, and classes--
It's major over-work!
"Chosen"-- as _if_! That's why I'm a jerk!

CAREER COUNSELOR
Eek! Principal Snyder,
Go earn your pension!
These kids don't need a job,
They need a week's detention.
It ain't just a question of misunderstood,
Deep down inside they're no good!

BUFFY
I'm no good!

SLAYERETTES
We're no good, we're no good,
We're no earthly good!
Like the best of us is no damn good!

The trouble is we're lazy!
The trouble is we drink!
The trouble is we're crazy!
The trouble is we stink!
The trouble is we're growing!
The trouble is we're grown!
Snyder, we've got troubles of our own!

Dear Principal Snyder,
We're down on our knees.

XANDER
'Cause no one wants kids
Prone to be occult abductees!

SLAYERETTES
Dear Principal Snyder,
What are we to do?
Gee, Principal Snyder,
< TVPG:*bleep* > you!

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