Hell's Bells

Written by Rebecca Rand Kirshner
Directed by David Solomon

Perri's Review | SunSpeak

Willow stares straight ahead, her face a mask of horror. "It's hideous," she whimpers to Buffy. "I know," Buffy agrees, her face equally horrified, but resigned. "But it's my duty. I'm Buffy the bridesmaid." I don't know, I'd rather face a demon than these monstrosities of bridesmaid dresses. Think radioactive dark sea-green satin and taffeta. With light green ruffles from knee to hem, and shoulder to elbow. And a tulle rose at the shoulder. And probably butt-bows. With every moment, I become more grateful that Val made the bridesmaids gowns when we got Tina and Adam hitched. [And yeah, I was thinking about that a lot during this review. The ep is funny by itself; if you've recently been in a wedding, it's hysterical.]

Anyway, Buffy and Willow commiserate about the suckiness of their attire, which Willow, as Best Man, thinks she shouldn't have to wear ("Well, maybe if I ask Anya, I can still go with the traditional blood larvae and burlap."). Buffy defends Anya's taste on the grounds that she's stressed; the relatives have descended en masse, and apparently, the rehearsal dinner was quite the experience. Harris' intermingling with demons (explained as "circus folk") and the demons were the more well-mannered. The Harris' were mostly drinking, as evidenced by Mr. Harris throwing up in Buffy's purse. Anya appears at the door in her dressing gown and stops to look at them with a gasp. They perk up for one moment, hoping for the return of sanity and a reprieve. Hope is cruelly dashed when Anya declares, "You guys look so beautiful!" and sweeps them into a teary bridal hug. "This is the happiest day of my life!" she declares, as the girls shrug in resignation and thunder rolls outside.

Back at Casa Xander, he's searching for his cufflinks and trying not to let his relatives drive him crazy. Er. The notorious Uncle Rory is less than useful, Cousin Carol is eyeing one of the demons, Krelvin, askance, while asking to be set up with him, and Mr. and Mrs. Harris are busy playing Drunken Obnoxious Man ("I mean no disrespect, of course. I'm sure you come from a long, proud line of geeks.") and Martyr Mom ("...since I won't be in any of the pictures.") for all they're worth. Xander finds his cufflinks on Cousin Carol's ears, and ignores everything else through sheer willpower. "Nothing on Earth can stop this wedding now." Xander, Xander, Xander... have you learned nothing in six years?!? Outside, the thunder crashes again, and an old man in a trenchcoat walks out of thin air, outlined in red flames. Looking around him, he puts up a red umbrella and walks off through the rain.

Fortunately, Xander has people waiting at the church to really help him prepare -- namely, Buffy, who struggles valiantly to get his cummerbund fastened. Someone's been hitting the cheesy chips a little heavy lately. Slayer strength gets the job done, and Buffy assaults his bow tie. "You look great, Mr. About to Get Married," she sniffles slightly. "You're glowing. Oh my god - maybe you're pregnant!" Xander smiles. "Maybe. I don't know. Maybe I'm just happy." Buffy gets more sniffly. "You and Anya give me hope. It's like you two are proof that there's light at the end of this very long, long, nasty tunnel." She conceded defeat on the bow tie and turns the job over to the best man -- who is currently using getting Anya dressed as an excuse to mac on her ex. She and Tara exchange significant looks as Anya works on her wedding vows. ("I, Anya, promise to love you, to cherish you, to honor you, but not to obey you, of course, because that's anachronistic and misogynistic, and who do you think you are, like a sea captain or something?" The other two are having more problems stifling giggles than messing with the dress.) The handmaids finish and step back to enjoy the effect (attempting to ignore the curlers and eye mask). Fashion commentary -- on anyone else, the dress would look ridiculous; picture the bridesmaid's dresses in white, only strapless, skintight, and with more ruffles at the bottom. Anya looks like a stunning, classy mermaid. And has to be forcibly restrained from running off to see Xander. "It's just that I'm so excited, and I want to share it all with my best friend. I get to be with my best friend forever!"

Guests begin filing into the church, tastefully decorated with at least one veil-draped moosehead, and Dawn retreats from Uncle Rory, who is attempting to pick up one of the caterers while expounding on his days as a taxidermist. So she's at the door to greet D'Hoffryn and Halfrek (who appears to have chosen to wear one of the bridesmaid dresses) when they arrive. "May the love we celebrate today avoid an almost inevitable decline," he announces, handing over a rather squirmy and growly present. D'Hoffryn takes Halfrek off before she can make it a working holiday. Spike shows up with a Bored GothChick of the first degree; he's got something to prove, oh yes. < rolling eyes > No one's particularly impressed, but Dawn allows him to keep his illusions and retreats again. The mingling is... interesting. Clem manages to hold forth on clowning as an ancient way, bless him, but the Harris' continue to be obnoxious. Xander continues to hyperventilate as the donning of the tuxedo concludes. He and Buffy embrace, then rehearse the rules (Xander: "Number 1..." Buffy: "Don't let your dad near the bar." Xander: "Check. Number 2..." Buffy: "Don't let your mom near the bar." Xander: "Check.") before Dawn arrives with news of Spike's date. Buffy blinks, but adjusts; Xander has to visibly prepare himself before he dives into the meet-and-greet with his relatives. He wasn't prepared enough; he doesn't get very far before the old guy in the trenchcoat grabs him (along with 12 other people who all have issues they want him to deal with), and drags him aside. ""You can't get married today, it's a huge mistake!" Xander blinks at him, trying to brush him off. "You don't recognize me, do you? I sounds crazy, but your have to believe me -- I'm Xander Harris. I'm you."

Obviously, this doesn't thrill Xander, but the old guy persists in informing Xander that he's Xander from the Future, come to warn Xander about his horrible future. As Xander gets steadily more hyper, Mr. Harris stands up from the bar (Xander: "Is wear I told that guy, no drinking before the ceremony!") and proceeds to begin delivering a rambling, drunken toast. Old Guy Xander pulls "proof" out of his pocket -- a globe with something purple and swirly inside. He leads Xander away as Mr. Harris' toast continues, insulting his wife extremely thoroughly, then moving on to insult his son's soon-to-be-in-laws. (Demon: "My suckers are starting to twitch...") As one of the demons advanced to formally remove Mr. Harris' ability to speech, Buffy sweeps in and makes off with the offender, who doesn't have the sense to shut up while he still can. "What do you say we slip in the back room and I show you my..." Buffy: "You finish that sentence, and I guarantee you won't have anything to show."

In a quiet room, Old Guy Xander and cradles the globe in his hands. "Look at it, and you'll see what I've seen. Feel what I've felt." The glowey purple swirls do their thing as the glow expands, a beam of purple light lances up to Xander's forehead. There's a flash, and he dissolves into the globe... ...And is ensconced in an armchair, still in his tux, watching a football game and yelling irritatingly for Anya. Two brat kids, the littler girl with demon ears, come running through, before Anya appears, getting dressed for work. "What?" she asks flatly. They have a brief and bitter exchange regarding Anya working and Xander not being able to, since "my back's shot." Anya takes the opportunity to yell at him for helping Buffy fight demons... especially since it didn't save her. Xander drinks his beer as Anya leaves. "I hope you crash in your stupid pink car!" he yells after her... ....And he sits in his rumpled tux next to a much older Anya in a restaurant, across from their teenage children. Who continue to be bickering brats who need to be drowned. Xander's refereeing consists of telling them pointedly to talk to their mother about being a demonic freak. She responds only that he's had too much wine. Their burgeoning fight is cut off by their daughter informing Xander that she's knows he's not her real dad, and she hates them both, and wishes they'd die, before she storms off. Another pleasant Harris dinner.... ..."If you're so unhappy, why didn't you leave?" Xander, his tux open and battered, demands of his quite old wife. "I wanted to," she responds bitterly. He accuses her of cheating on him, she shoots back that she didn't have any choice, since he wouldn't come near her after Buffy died. Xander cuts her off with an agonized, "Don't bring her into this!" Anya: "Fine. Forget her. Maybe you were just born to be an angry, bitter old man." He tells her to shut up, she screams that she wants her life back. "If hadn't married you, I wouldn't have had to hate myself for the last 30 years!" Xander screams, "Shut uuup!" and he grabs a frying pan and swings it... And Xander shakes his head as the light fades away, leaving him staring, tux intact, mind reeling. "You can change things, Old Guy Xander tells him. "It doesn't have to go like this. But you can't marry Anya.... Sometimes two people... all they bring each other is pain." Xander tries desperately not to believe.

Buffy continues guest patrol, and runs into Spike, temporarily dateless, as she makes her rounds. She has the guts to walk over and talk to him, probably helped by the fact that he looks so cute and vulnerable. [Hush. Just hush. I'm entitled to allow my hormones to be manipulated if I want!] They make small talk for a few minutes, before Spike brings up his date. Buffy smiles. "She seems like a very nice attempt at making me jealous." To Spike's credit, he doesn't bother with the denial. "Is it working?" And to Buffy's credit, she admits: "A little. It doesn't change anything but, if you're wildly curious, yeah, it hurts." "Sorry," Spike apologizes reflexively, then amends, "Oh, good!" Yeah, Spike, you're evil. We know. < rolling eyes > Buffy laughs, but doesn't take Spike up on his offer to leave. "God, this is hard," he sighs. "I'll just go, give my best... whatever..." He starts to leave, then adds, "It's nice to watch you be happy. For them, even. I don't see it a lot. You, uh... you glow." Buffy is touched, but responds honestly: "That's because the dress is radioactive." Spike laughs, and she starts to leave. "But it hurts?" Spike stops her. Buffy: "Yeah." Spike: "... Thanks." He drags his date out behind him.

Willow tracks Xander down where he's pacing, worried and confused, in the kitchen. "I'll say this for the Y chromosome -- looks good in a tux." Xander forces a smile: "Well, your double Xs don't look too bad there, either." She starts fussing with his tux in a moment of 'you're getting married' realization. "It's a good thing I realized I was gay. Otherwise, hey, you, me and formal wear..." They embrace in a sweet best friends moment, before Willow leaves him to "practice my vows." Anya (looking steadily more amazing) is still working on hers and they're getting better, except for the use of phrases like "sex poodle". Fortunately, Tara is contributing helpful commentary. The music starts up outside and Buffy is ready to bring Anya out, when Willow drags her into the hall. "He's gone. Xander's disappeared!"

Willow races out to look for Xander, leaving Buffy behind to stall. Because, of course, dissembling, bluffing and otherwise lying is something Buffy is so good at, which she proceeds to prove by making up a story about ministers running late because they had to perform emergency C-sections. Fortunately, Anya is too stressed to actually pay attention to anything other than finally getting those vows right. "I love you, and I will always love you. Before I knew you, I was a completely different person -- not even a person, really. I'd seen what love could do to people, and it was hurt and sadness. Alone was better. And then... suddenly there was you. And you knew me. You saw me. And it was this... thing. You made me feel safe and warm, so... I get it now. I finally get love, Xander. I really do."

Outside, the natives are getting restless, and Buffy inadvertently sets off the musicians by coming down the aisle. She holds a rushed conversation with the minister, then turns an extremely bright and fake smile on the assembled guests as she heads back out. Anya's finally starting to loose her mind ("What was the minister thinking, delivering a baby on my special day? And the mother! Why couldn't he have just told her to hold it?!?") Mr. Harris has made his way to the bar, and is in the process of blaming everything on Anya: "She made us pay for the whole thing and now she's gonna louse it up! Women!" Halfrek is starting a hissy fit, and then goes off into parental-issue sulking when D'Hoffryn says he's worried about Anya. D'Hoffryn assures her, "Oh, Halfrek. You know I love all my demons equally," and they exchange looks. Xander's Cousin Carol asks Buffy to do something to calm the riot waiting to happen; Buffy swallows hard, takes the mic, and begins, "So. Who here is from out of town?", before heading into charades. Dawn, at least, is having a good time bonding with a cute teenage demon guys about who has the most screwed-up family. And Anya has had enough. With Tara trailing behind her, she strides through the halls, declaring, "We'll just have to get married without a minister!" Buffy has resorted to juggling when the other two pairs intersect in the front hall -- unfortunately just as Dawn is informing her new friend, "The groom took off and no one can find him."

Anya stops dead, and demands, "Xander's gone? Xander's missing? What do you mean Xander's missing?" she demands loud enough for the entire assemblage to hear. Mr. Harris tries to believe it's a joke, and starts one of his 'funny' anecdotes. The tentacled (and bored) demon he faced off with earlier snarks back, Mr. Harris (literally) rises to the bait, and before anyone can blink, the first punch is thrown. Buffy watches from behind the mic as a glorious Harris-versus-demons donnybrook begins. Willow pulls Tara out and the pair retreats, as Anya wanders heedlessly through the fight looking for Xander. "I saw him going into the trophy room with that guy," Cousin Carol says, pointing her toward Old Guy Xander who is standing in the back. Anya makes beeline for him as the riot continues around her, demanding to know what he said to Xander. "Doesn't matter now, does it? It's done." Anya reiterates her demands for information. "Or what?" Old Guy Xander shoots back. "You haven't changed. Still as vindictive as ever." Anya doesn't recognize him, but he sure knows her. "He left because of you." Anya gets teary-eyed. "I didn't do anything." Old Guy Xander: "Oh, really? What about this?" And as she watches, he suddenly stretches and grows into one serious big-n-ugly demon. Now there's a shocker.

"Tell me what you did to Xander! What are you?" Anya yells, less interested in the transformation than in her groom's whereabouts. "You did this to me," the demon relies. Remember ol' Olaf the Troll? Meet another of Anya's vengeance victims -- Chicago, South Side, 1914. Stewart Burns, philanderer. He got demonized and sent to be tortured in another dimension. Buffy has finally seen what's going on, as Stewart baby tells her how long he's been waiting for his revenge, and about the phony visions he showed Xander. He neglects to give any details, of course, telling Anya he'd shown Xander his nightmare vision of their future. "That's all you did?" Anya asks, beginning to sob. Stewart: "Yeah. It was easy." He gloats, then attacks. Buffy returns the assault immediately, but he manages to get his claws on Anya during her emergency alteration of the Bridesmaid Dress From Hell so she can fight. Xander races through the door at the same time, shouting Anya's name. The distraction is enough to give Buffy a clear shot, and the two begin fighting as Anya rushes to tell Xander, "It was all lies. What he showed you, it wasn't true, none of it!" Which is cool and all, but Xander tells her, "It doesn't mater now." Buffy shoves her way between them to grab the veil from the moose head, and races back to strangle the demon with it. Xander wraps the whole thing up with a blow from one of the fake white pillars, which he then uses to crush the demon's head. The room breaks into applause as the wedding party stares at the body. Willow finally asks, "Is anyone waiting for it to go "poof"? Maybe we can cover it with flowers?"

The guests start to resume their seats peacefully, so, of course, that's when Mr. Harris makes his drunken appearance. "look at this mess. I'm not paying for this, you freaks!" Krelvyn goes after him, and the riot resumes until Anya screams for them to stop. "everyone, sit down! This wedding will go on, so get back in your seats!" They obey (wouldn't you?!?), and the bride and groom steal a quiet moment by the door. "It's okay, Xander. it's all over now. It was just smoke and mirrors." But as she starts to drag Xander to the alter, he holds back. "I... I'm not... I'm not ready," he finally manages to say, his eyes wide with fear and his voice shaking. "I can't, Ahn. I'm sorry." What the demon showed them wasn't real, but it could be, Xander tells her. "It wasn't you I was hating. I had these thoughts and fears before this. Maybe we just went too fast." Anya: "Everyone has... It's natural. It doesn't mean getting married is wrong. Just suck it up. Just calm down and we'll start over." Xander looks over at his terrifying relatives. "We can't start over. If this is a mistake, it's forever, and I don't want to hurt you. Not that way." He lets her hand, still holding her bouquet, drop. "I'm sorry. I am so sorry." He's close to sobs, and she's already there, as she turns away. He watches her for a moment, then leaves, as the musicians strike up, and Anya slowly, shakily, tearfully, makes her way down the aisle.

The surviving members of the bridal party gather later, but there's nothing they can do: Anya wants to be alone. They can only brood on the one relationship they all thought would make it, and what that means as a sign for their own futures. "The whole thing hurts my heart.... They were supposed to be my light at the end of the tunnel," Buffy says unhappily. "Guess they were a train." Willow: "I feel like I should be hating Xander... but I can't. I just hope he's okay." Xander has disappeared again, checking into a motel room by himself. And Anya sits in a dark room, still in her wedding dress, as D'Hoffryn circles her. He almost sounds concerned when he asks if she's okay. "I'm tired of crying," she responds. "So tired." D'Hoffryn: "Oh, Anya. I'm sorry. But you let him domesticate you. When you were a vengeance demon, you were powerful, at the top of your game, You crushed men like him. It's time you got back to what you do best -- don't you think?" Anya looks up at him, her attention suddenly caught, even as tears begin drying on her face....

*****

Most of the review coming soon. But I have to say a few things:

Questions and Comments:
I can't tell you how annoyed I am at one scene that was cut from the shooting script, wherein we learn that Giles couldn't attend the wedding because he was fighting demons, but sent all of the flowers decorating the church. Given the heinous amount of Mr. Harris drinking we received instead, I can't help but wonder what the directors/editors were drinking when they thought that was more important than explaining while Xander's real father was present. Much more crucial to everyone involved -- cutting it was just careless and obnoxious!

Rating: 3-1/2 stars out of five. A solid episode to make up for last week's suck-fest, and the train wreck we were all waiting for. < sigh >

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