"Well, with everyone on the same side, maybe you are planning to invade yourselves for a change. I find the idea curiously intriguing. Once you have finished killing each other, we can plow under all the buildings and plant rows of flowers, that spell out the words 'too annoying to live', in letters that can be seen from space." -- G'Kar to Londo
"Ivanova's Rule #34: Always make sure whatever looks dead, stays dead, and will not have any ideas about not being dead in the forseeable future." -- Susan Ivanova, "In Valen's Name"
"If I get through this job without completely losing my mind, it'll be a miracle of Biblical proportions."
"Well, there goes my faith in the Almighty." -- Ivanova and Corwin
"The universe is already insane. Anything else would be redundant." -- Londo
"I'm already in trouble. All I can do is keep walking until I meet myself and somehow work this out." -- Franklin
"Ivanova is always right. I will listen to Ivanova. I will not ignore Ivanova's recommendations. Ivanova is God. And if this ever happens again, Ivanova will personally rip your lungs out." -- Ivanova
"We won't start this fight. But by God, we'll finish it!" -- Sheridan
"Only one captain has ever survived an encounter with a Minbari warship. He is behind me. You are in front of me. If you want to live, be somewhere else." -- Delenn
"'Hand me that friggindotz wrench, will you, D'Argo?'
'I would, Chiana, but since Aeryn returned last weeken and she and John had their big fight and made up and fought again and now seem to be mostly just not-speaking for the next few eps as they pass in the halls, I've had a hard time finding the power tools....'" -- Dee on Farscape storytelling
"There is no way that Aeryn needs *two* Crichtons. She should therefore *share*. :)" -- Kiki
"As an actor on a television show, you can always hide behind the script department if an episode fails to work... As a writer, you could blame the actors for not understanding the deep intent behind the words. I'm so screwed. " -- Ben Browder on writing for Farscape
"[Ben Browder] wrote every word of his own script. Not one of us touched a line. We"ll fix it later, though. We're all gonna go down to the set and ad-lib." -- David Kemper, Exec. Prod. and writer for Farscape
"And why does not Aeryn, of all people, not realize that PK commandos are never disarmed until they are strip searched, reclothed, and brain-transplanted into potted plants?" -- Leonard
"No, no, I will *not* set the fic bunnies free, because knowing the Farscape universe, they will at first seem like fluffy fic bunnies, all sweetness and light, and then someone will strap them into a Bunny Aurora Chair and they'll get little Scorpius Bunny Chips implanted in their heads, and they'll go absolutely frelling insane and have to pull bits of the brains of Banshee Bunny Cousins so they can talk like normal bunnies again and then it'll just all go to hell from there." -- Kiki (yes, we did remove the caffiene)
"In the first script I read, there was no 'He is naked.' That came later. 'Cause I would have asked for more money." -- Ben Browder on the Farscape pilot
"And can we also, PLEASE, get rid of that damned lieutenant? As someone pointed out, how many times does that idiot have to screw up before someone shoots him already? What, is he Scorpy's illegitimate love-child and therefore Daddy keeps him around? Come on!" -- Grace on Lt. Braca
"...And Scorpy figures out the wormhole technology but John's brain scrambled it with bits from old "Sliders" episodes so the first time he uses it he gets tossed through a wormhole and collides with the Jupiter 2. A successful spinoff series results -- "Scorpy and Smith: Lost In Space"." -- Rastro having some kind of attack onlist
"It seems to me we've been awfully hard on Scorpius. After all, we've condemned him without hearing his side of the story. That is un-American. It is un-English. It is un-Australian. It is French." -- UCSBdad
"Hey, Aeryn's gorgeous -- she can change any guy's tune. She can also change 'im from tenor to soprano, but that's beside the point." -- Grace
"Since when did I start living in a world where no one eating anyone's brain is considered grounds for a thumbs' up?" -- Debby
"Suddenly I am surrounded w/ broom wielding pagans! When did this happen? ... is UCSBdad somehow implicated?"
"MY side! Your side! Your show! *My* show!"
"I say we name him 'Ploppy' -- 'Ploppy the Spaceship'." -- Anthony Simcoe on What To Name Moya's Baby
"I'd like to take this moment to apologize (kinda) to the people I sucked into this show. It was popcorn when I started, and I'm sorry you now have bleeding ulcers and are being driven to drink." -- Kiki, following the Farscape season finale
"Does this suggest that Peacekeeper Promotion Boards look more like one of Lucretia Borgia's dinner parties than we might think?" -- UCSBdad
"We now have hope of a little Sun-Crichton running about Moya sometime, with D'Argo and Pilot playing Uncle, Zhaan and Chiana (and probably Moya to some extent) playing Auntie, and Rygel playing .... um ... Blankie? Nerf-ball? Fido? Whatever." -- Grace
"John (still confused): They're not real. *They're* cartoons. *This* is *reality*.
"It's hard to judge attractiveness across species boundaries. But as long as everything else is..."
"If the stick gets lit, you must acquit." -- godallmitey on a dreadful episode of Farscape.
"If I was a method actor I'd have to go outside and commune with the garden in between takes." -- Virginia Hey
"I glared at John and repeated the First Rule to myself: Never ask Crichton to explain anything since he will. Actually, the First Rule should have been, avoid humans at all costs, but that was less and less possible. " -- Aeryn [UCSBDad]
"Suddenly, for just a microt, I had a glimpse of the future. Billions of human males wandering through the Universe and with each one was a female Peacekeeper, confused, lost, disoriented, and unable to make any sense of her companion." -- Aeryn [UCSBDad]
"Stormtrooper Captain: Who are you?
"I'm really, really, really glad to have six weeks to work on it............no, seriously, I'm looking forward to not seeing a new episode for 47 days............I mean, I'm sure the next 1,133 hours will just fly by, right? :::sob::: ::::sniffle::::::" -- Traci on the Farscape first-season finale
"Maybe he stowed away on Talyn and will cut off Crais's evil ponytail, thus taking away his power." -- Lizbet's Theory of What Happened to Stark
"Aeryn and Susan Ivanova have the same reaction to 'complicated' -- 'Why can't I just shoot it?'" -- Chris
"I often work all day, no weekends, come home, call my wife Scorpius, then sleep it off on the couch." -- David Kemper on writing for Farscape
"Ha! We do not accede to demands! We are members of the Committee to Free Rygel XVI, thank you very much, and in the spirit of our absent Dominar, we refuse to acquiesce without some form of monetary payment! (In other words: we can't be threatened, but we *can* be bribed.)" -- Kiki terrifying random passers-by at TGUT
"What do you think of Alar?"
"You've got that look."
"You're actually saying that you need someone dumber than you are?"
"They're okay! The... the... the... the... th-th-they're okay!" -- Daniel, a.k.a. He Who Knows 23 Languages and Can't Handle English
"Didn't I order you to get a life?" -- O'Neill to Carter
"I'd be happy to debrief you all, after I've debriefed myself for a nice hot shower."
"I thought it was supposed to enhance them physically, not make them stupid!" -- Hammond on SG-1
"Teleportation device?!? ...What do you think?"
"General, request permission to beat the crap out of this man." -- Jack O'Neill
"Maybourne, you are an idiot every day of the week. Why couldn't you have just taken one day off?!?" -- Sam Carter
"Daniel?"
"Remember that 'we come in peace' thing? Bite me." -- Jack O'Neill
"If we get out of this alive, remind me to harm Daniel severely." -- Jack
"Don't even pretend you understood that." -- Cromwell to O'Neill
"Wow, she is..."
"Sci Fi would have us believe [Daniel's] back because of a fan campaign. But it probably had more to do with Shanks realizing that a passing resemblance to James Spader... doesn't make for much of a career outside 'SG-1.'" -- The Boston Herald
"Too much watching of Stargate on the Monday night marathon on SciFi + too much working in Photoshop = The irresistable urge to yell, "Jaffa, *CROP*."" -- Lizbet
"No wonder Shifu was Fortune Cookie Boy, if this is what he had to put up with every day. You can almost imagine them in the morning. 'Oma, where's the cereal?' 'There are many paths to the cereal. You must be prepared to renounce the toast if you wish to seek true enlightenment.' " -- Fringedwellers on Meridian, SG-1
"The four horseman of the near Apocalypse scared, shit-scared, oh-my-God-I'm-going-to-have-a-heart-attack, and "You'll get a demotion for this," stepped clear of the elevator and onto level twenty-eight. " -- random yet hysterical Suz Voy description
"Hammond cleared his throat loudly. Everyone settled down at the nonverbal warning, since the alternative was the traditional and somewhat stereotypical duty of cleaning the latrines with a toothbrush. Hammond's ire was legendary, and he'd used that particular punishment in the past when certain individuals got out of hand. It was a well known fact, as well as a source of tremendous amusement to the entire base, that even full-bird colonels weren't exempt." -- Tiffany Park
"Teal'c strode into the room like the Wrath of God. At least I've never actually experienced the Wrath of God on a private, one-to-one level, but I've always imagined it would look a little like a pissed off Jaffa in a confined space whose just been told beating the crap out of Harry Maybourne isn't an option at the moment, son." -- ELG, 'Ripples'
"So. You want me to cure Martouf of his doof-ness, either by performing large-scale trauma to his body or having cheap pointless sex with him in a jail cell on an alien planet. I presume there's a nice compromise (and compromising) alternative in the midst of this, as well. Is there a bad here? Gee..." -- Cath
"You know, I¹d hate to be a fantastic astro-physicist in Russia. Not only do you have to be a fantastic astro-physicist, but you have to be able to jump out of planes (and land without killing yourself), pilot and repair mini-submarines and heroically resist smacking Jack (and Daniel, when he¹s being Mini-Jack) in the mouth, all the while refusing to let yourself say 'I'm sensing something, Captain!'" -- Fringedwellers on Mirina Sirtis' guest turn, SG-1
"How many times have we seen Teal'c raise an eyebrow and say 'indeed' and understood what he was really saying was 'indeed, you think you're right, but really you are wrong and I shall dance the dance of Happy Jaffa when you fall on your face.'?"
"THANK you!! Man, am I getting a reputation or what? I'm like the black widow of the galaxy! And the one guy I want I can't have!!" -- Amanda Tapping re: Carter, SG-1
"RDA: (peeking through doorway) She doesn't have any clothes on.
"Another pause as Teal'c considered this, very deeply. Of course, Teal'c seemed to consider whether to have french fries or onion rings very deeply, so maybe it wasn't as perplexing an issue for him as it seemed to her." -- "Fond" [Alli Snow]
"If that's a job, you're available." -- Consequences of a cell phone ringing during filming on SG-1
"I'd forgotten how annoying it is to write people who perform most of their dialogue with their eyebrows." -- Boo on Daniel Jackson
"...All of it is of course going over Jack's head, and he's going into full-blown adult-with-undiagnosed-ADD mode in his own inimitable fashion."
"You could be promoted, and then we'd be equals."
"...It's better than me setting up a blackboard in the gate room, and having you write 'I will not have sex on another planet when doing so leaves me vulnerable to attack' five hundred times."
"...Teal'c shut down in that way that so loudly said *he* would do things differently, but he realized that he wasn't on his world anymore and so would submit to the Tauri ways... at least up to the point he decided it significantly endangered one of his teammates." -- Achaea, "Leftovers"
"And maybe Apophis just wants to play hopscotch, and this whole war thing is just a big misunderstanding." -- Valerie
"You know someone's gonna write some Sam and Jack comfort sex for that."
"In this one, the little plot bunnies work. They hunt down the bunnies and skin them and take the ears and wave at their enemies." -- Kiki on the Stargate season 5 opener
"PXW 2R1 was a lovely planet. Lots of trees, mountains and grass. It reminded her of the few times she'd been to Vancouver -- but then most of the planets they visited did." -- ???
"...There's a definite difference between "being irresistably attracted to" and "not responding to cute boss enthusiastically invading your private space". I mean, that would be just rude, not to mention showing a lack of vital signs." -- Cath on the WoO Sam/Jack kiss
"Aw, man, Carter, she's just like Daniel, only she's a chick. But they get in trouble just the same!"
"We get paid to wait and we do the acting for free." -- Amanda Tapping
"Apparently Jack was feeling misunderstood and unappreciated today and also seemed a hair away from pointing out that he was a Colonel in the Goddamned United States Air Force and it would make a nice change if the people Under His Command occasionally did what they were Damned Well Told. " -- ELG on Col. O'Neill
"'Wormholes for Jarheads' and 'Goa'uld Badness 101', taught by Sam and Daniel. With each of them heckling the other during their presentations." -- Kiki
"You were a wonderful father to Charlie and he loved you. He would have forgiven you in the blink of an eye and you've always known it. The person who can't forgive you for what happened to him was always called Jack O'Neill. And he's the same guy who won't give you any peace if anything happens to Sam or Teal'c or me, but we don't want him on your case because of us. We never have and we never will. We like you way more than he does and we know you'd never let any of us down." -- Daniel Jackson [ELG, 'The Quality of Mercy']
"Violence. Language. Physical and emotional cruelty to SG-1. Attempted rape of a major character. Description of a medical procedure performed upon a major character. Mention of previous minor character(s) death(s). Some romantic implications in relationship between Sam and Martouf. Plus, Jack and Daniel hold a few rather dubious conversations. Basically every member of SG-1 is traumatized and/or physically damaged in some way during the course of this story. On the upside, Daniel is naked for one scene, and SG-1 do all briefly wear pyjamas. " -- ELG's content warning
"Yeah, Danny, I guess that might look like Linear B to someone who's
been ribbon-fried once too often; now report to the infirmary, okay?" -- Valerie on Stargate SG-1
"Yeah, Daniel always gets there when all the chairs except "sane and
together" are taken... (and then he has a psychotic break and knocks over
his chair. :> )" -- Kiki
"That which kills Danny makes him stronger, sure. But not smarter, you notice that?" -- Jack O'Neill, as channeled by Kiki
"And yet that which kills Sammi makes her smarter... and cuter. It's a good thing she's got a longer lifespan than Harry Kim, or we'd have to claw our eyes out by now. Go fig." -- Jack Kessler's response
"By the way, in case you were wondering, most Goa'uld technology apparently operates on a D battery and duct taped wires." -- Debby A
"Plus four episodes of Stargate, in which everyone died once, Teal'c died
twice, two alternate realities were explored and discarded, everyone landed
on the happy drugged out planet, and Carribian music was played. Much fun was had by all (except Teal'c, who died twice)." -- Lizbet after a Stargate binge
"One of these days Danny is going to develop an eye tic from all of the mind games everyone plays on him. He really needs to see a therapist before he pulls a Sulu and runs down the SGC corridors shirtless, with a sword."
"I'm bemused by the whole Ronny Cox running for president thing. I envision a season ender with the Senator being elected president, and then all of the alien races banding together to wipe out Earth because obviously those stupid humans will never learn to be sensible. Or maybe I'm just getting RL and Stargate Life confused. ;)" -- Cagey
"Daniel's reason, he was sure, would be eminently logical to no one except Daniel. And possibly Carter. Either way, he knew better than to ask." -- Jack [Jonah in the Whale]
"Janet started it. I said it wasn't a good idea."
"Pavlov was definitely on to something. For the dogs, you say "squirrel" and they jump straight to wanting a cookie for barking and scaring off any evil, furry invaders. For me, you say "angst" and somewhere, Sam starts having sex. Funny, that." -- Cagey on Carter
"Oh yeah, that was *definitely* the look! < G > Poor thing -- okay, got no mom, my dad shares his body with a worm and my brother can't know a thing about it, I gotta spend my days figuring out interstellar wormholes, alien technology, talking crystals, time travel, multiple alternate universes, 2000 year old gods that want to kill us, body-switching, body-snatching, alien drug-addictions, alien allies-not-really-allies...and now God and everybody knows my CO and I have a 'thing', which *we* already knew and I was ignoring it really well and I just really could have gone my whole life without this *Particular* moment and you know, I coulda been a librarian, but no, I had to go and become a Physicist, 'cuz you know it'll be *exciting* and well, this is certainly "exciting" and..." -- Sam Carter during D&C [Debby]
"However, it took Abby-level evility to share the pain. *shakes head* ;-)"
"Btw, do you think they're gonna eventually get around to giving the Control Room an SG-1-proof security system?" -- Debby
"Whether or not Sam and Jack go home seperately or together or whatever, the world will still need saving, Teal'c will still not understand half of what they say, Janet will still change her hair every other ep, and Daniel will still drive Jack flippin' insane." -- Debby on S/J
"They *still* do this; they love to theorize, they love to talk out what they're thinking. Whereas Jack gets impatient and is like, "Call me when you figure it out, okay? I'll be over here shooting something for practice."
"Nine days with a stinky, bored Jack. And vice versa, with a stinky, bored Sam. Poor kids! No wonder Teal'c was amusing himself with hair experimentation...." -- Debby
"Oh boy. What's that smell?"
"I was lucky this time."
"Gill'k waves cheerily at Rod and Perri. Gill'k! Put Cheerily down!"
"*Bad Universe! _Bad_! If there was a stick around I would _so_ whack the hell out of you...*" -- Jack O'Neill [Melissa Beattie]
"Teal'c, over his armour...now wore a checkered apron. The words "kiss the cook" were embroidered upon it. Your Jaffa might be a redneck if..." -- Jack [Melissa Beattie]
"Daniel co-opted my brain and turned it into a dribbling mush of poetic licentiousness (I'd say poetic license, but he's gone beyond the bounds of organized bureaucracy -- on the litmus test of luv he's well past sappy and fair into soggy). I'm so embarrassed. Beware the flying metaphors. They might poke your eye out." -- Cagey on her Sam/Daniel drabble
"Cath and I have a riff about Apophis going out for takeout in "Children of the Gods"--- just trying those old addresses at random, because "you know, you *used* to be able to get great hosts there, but then they were shut down for health violations, but I hear they're under new management again, we should check it out..."" -- Chris on Stargate SG-1
"O'Neill reclined slightly, feigning attention as he waited for keywords like 'Goa'uld' or 'butt-kicking'." -- listening to Daniel lecture [Cagey]
"News flash--my conscience has just officially quit. A spokesperson close to the source stated that after repeated warnings to the general mind set, the guardian of the brain finally reached the end of his line. He refused to stand around and be ignored any longer." -- Jack O'Neill's mental processes [Vanessa Nichols]
Comments and contributions to perri@neon-hummingbird.com.
FARSCAPE
More Farscape Quotes
"UCSBdad is not in any way implicated. I was nowhere near there, I never had sex with that woman, plus I never inhaled. Besides, I have three good and trusty vorlags who will swear that I was teaching a class on the estimation of mathematical odds at the time. So there!"
"All of which might be possible, except that I know that (a) Vorlags can't count (at least, not when they're trying to pay off a bar tab) and thus I find it hard to believe that they were taking a class on mathematical odds, (b) you aren't qualified to teach stats, you're a liberal arts major, you faker, and (c) you have too inhaled. You were breathing and upright (okay, prostrate on the floor) in the TGUT bar just last Wednesday. Atmosphere was being used by this man! I saw it!"
"You're half right, Kiki. Vorlags can't count, but ANY good liberal arts major can teach vorlags not to try to fill a 3-4-5 8 straight." -- Leonard, UCSBdad and Kiki
"Don't *make* me tongue you." -- Kiki and Mnementh doing Farscape
The Warners (looking at each other, then at the audience): We won't tell him if *you* won't." -- from "Toonscape" [Scapegrace]
"Compatible."
"Right, compatible. You can get used to working an Apple instead of an IBM." -- Kiki and Perri on D'Argo
JC: Uh... Batman?
Stormtrooper: Not one of ours. No British accent.
ST Cap'n: Kill him! (All of the stormtroopers open fire at point blank range. Stormtrooper aim being what it is, not a single shot comes within a foot of JC.)
JC: Man, good thing my contract isn't up." -- John Crichton and Today's Special Friends [Brian Dubick]
STARGATE SG-1
"You have got to teach me how to do that."
"Wormhole physics, motorcycle riding, and picking locks."
"Not necessarily in that order." -- Sam and Jonas
"He is concealing something."
"What?"
"I do not know. He is concealing it." -- Jack and Teal'c
"To which look are you referring?"
"The one that says, 'I have misgivings about this mission, but deep down, I know we're doing the right thing'?"
"No, the other one."
"...Oh." -- Jack and Daniel hassling Teal'c
"You may have come to the right place." -- Daniel and Jack to Thor
"Permission to shower granted. In fact, I insist on it, Colonel."
"Bad?"
"I wasn't going to say anything." -- Jack, Hammond and Daniel
"I think you're gonna get fired." -- Rothman and Siler
"Yeah?"
"Shoes." -- Jack and Daniel
"Way smarter than we are. Yeah." -- Cromwell and O'Neill on Carter
"Corin's doing a good job, at least when we can keep him from playing with the props and get him to settle down." -- RDA on the new guy, SG-1
"Mind you, the Dance of Happy Jaffa basically involves Teal'c shifting his weight, but, hey, to him it's a lot." -- Abby and Tina
Brad: Nope.
RDA: Um, isn't it time that I reacted to something like that?
Brad: Okay." -- Brad Wright on 'How Sam/Jack Got Started'
"Yup. Just like Bobby Hobbes; don't distract me with details, I'll distract myself with entertaining worst case scenarios and figuring out three ways to get out of this room without anyone noticing, thank you very much." -- Val and Christina
"Yeah, but that might take a few years."
"Not if you slept with your CO and then blackmailed him into giving you a promotion."
"I don't think that's going to happen."
"Why not? It's a win-win situation for me."
"I thought you were talking about General Hammond."
"Well, that's just sick and wrong." -- Jack and Sam, "Between a Slapshot and a Goal"
"If you did, you and Daniel would be right beside me, chalk in hand, sir." -- Sam and Jack [AC Chapin]
"Like they need an excuse? Oh, please. Sam gets a flat tire and they view that as an excuse for comfort sex." -- Perri and Kiki
"You're telling me." -- Jack O'Neill and Rick O'Connell on Evey [Tina]
"No, I think he just needs to run down the SGC corridors shirtless with a sword. < eg > Don't you?"
"You read my mind. Y'know, Jack looks like he's ready to crack anytime, too... < hopeful look >"
"But y'know. I think Junior may be coming down with something. I think Teal'c needs to wear that black muscle shirt from Mary Sue Meets Tinkerbell again. Yup." -- Abby, Tina, Cath and Kiki showing their deep concern for our boys' sanity....
"And then you said 'yippee' when you won the time before last. Hypocrite."
"Hah. You're just jealous because you've never won. You've never even come close."
"That's because I have more faith in Jack than the rest of the SGC. I know he's not some accident prone trigger happy bullet magnet."
"Well, that's true. Sometimes he just falls over and breaks things." -- Sam and Daniel on the "Jack Gets Injured" betting pool [OzKaren]
"She says just wishing she'd vocalized it first."
"Well, yeah. And? *wide-eyed innocent look that bears far too close a resemblance to Samantha Carter on too much caffeine to be taken seriously*" -- Val and Chris
"The unspoken ending to that being "... so I don't shoot *you*." -- Chris and Cath
"Whoah! Teal'c, is Junior manufacturing bleach?"
"It is so. My symbiote is aware that I would dye to save this world." -- Sam, Jack and Teal'C [Gillian expanding on the theme]
"That's lucky?"
"Well at least I didn't die."
"Ah. Been there, done that."
"Got the t-shirt. Had the t-shirt cut off when Dr. Fraiser started doing CPR." -- John Crichton and Daniel Jackson [LaurenOboe]
"Not only is Gill'k brandishing adverbs at newcomers, she's still speaking in third person. Is anyone keeping an eye on our Gill'k?"
"I have it on good authority that she is relatively safe brandishing adverbs. I have even been in her vicinity when she's been brandishing split infinitives and lived to tell the tale. It's when she starts brandishing staff weapons you need to worry - especially if your name is Jack< veg >" -- Gill'k, someone and Scribe