STAR TREK

Star Trek: Voyager

"Call us crazy, but does this seem wise? They're offering people the chance to mingle with Robert Duncan McNeill (and other stars of Voyager) on a three hour tour?! They've got to be joking, right?" -- The 11th Hour on the ST: Voyager fan cruise

"I switched out the bed in Paris's quarters, too, for a somewhat sturdier model--the set designers have *got* to be kidding." -- Mockingbird, a.st.c

"I'm ready to begin my new career as a tricorder." -- The Doctor

"For your next trick, how about pulling a shuttlecraft out of a hat?"
"Where do you think we've been getting all the shuttlecraft we've crashed so far?" -- Chakotay and Harry [Petrea Mitchell], MST of 'Favorite Son'

"Harry, what are you doing?"
"I'm looking for the plot."
"You mean we lost it again?"
"Yep." -- Janeway and Kim [Sforzie]

"You know, you're the only friend I have who french-kisses me."
"You mean Harry doesn't give you tongue?" -- Paris and Meaghan Delaney [Tara O'Shea]

"Hmmm... This is not good."
"Well, how about we just give you this year's Deanna Troi Award for Stating the Patently Obvious." -- the doctor and Janeway [The Goddess, a.st.c.]

"Has everyone around here gone crazy or is it just me?"
"It's just you." -- Neelix and Kes

"The man drives a 700,000 ton starship, so somebody think he makes a good medic." -- the Doctor

"These people are natural born explorers."
"These people are natural born IDIOTS!" -- Kes and Neelix

"If we don't get more power to the warp drive, we're all gonna have to get out and push." -- Paris

"Q: How many Voyager crew members does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: However many it takes, you can be sure a shuttlecraft will be destroyed during the attempt." -- Lee Lorenz

"My first day on the job as a Starfleet Captain, I swore I'd never get caught in one of these godforsaken paradoxes. The future is the past, the past is the future, it all gives me a headache...." -- Janeway

"Captain, there's something out there!"
"I need a better description than that, Mr. Kim." -- Kim and Janeway

"I'd swear the crew members were all on uppers, especially Janeway..."
"I said for months now that they had to do something to keep the crew happy. No one appears to be sleeping with anyone so drugs might be their only choice." -- rec.arts.sf.star-trek.current on Voyager

"On the other hand, if I save your butt, your life belongs to me." -- Paris to Chakotay

"But a hologram is just a projection of light contained in a magnetic field, there's no real matter involved."
**SLAP** -- Paris and the Doctor

"Seems I've found myself on the voyage of the damned." -- Doctor

"You were working for her, Seska was working for them, was anyone on that ship working for me?" -- Chakotay to Tuvok

"I don't know how I'm going to put this in the log."
"I look forward to reading it." -- Chakotay and Tuvok [Threshold]

"Tom, what are you doing?"
"Enjoying myself?" -- Torres and Paris [Blood Fever]

"Hi, my name's Harry 'Read Me Like a Book' Kim." -- Harry

"All right, gamma shift, time to defend the Federation against gaseous anomalies." -- Janice Rand

"You shot it with phasers, ran the ship through it, and blasted a hole with a photon torpedo. Yes, I believe it is hurt." - Doctor

"That's one more trick you won't be able to use again when we get home."
"I have more." -- Janeway and Chakotay

"Am I making any sense here?"
"No, but that's OK." -- Paris and Janeway

"Mr. Kim, at ease before you sprain something." -- Janeway

"A very impressive title. I have no idea what it means, but it sounds very impressive." -- Neelix to Janeway

"There's coffee in that nebula." -- Janeway

"B'Elanna is the only person I know who tried to kill her animal guide." -- Chakotay

"Just because a man changes his drink order doesn't mean he's possessed by an alien." -- Doctor

"They're the ones with the guns, remember?" -- Paris and Durst

"Which one is Janeway?"
"The female." -- Torres and Tuvok [Threshold]

"We're Starfleet officers, Mr. Kim. Wierd is part of the job." -- Janeway

"Paris, where the hell does a man keep a horse on this ship?"
"In a stablized f'horse field -- where else?" -- Janeway and Paris [Peg Robinson]

"So how does it feel to be a grandfather?"
"A lot better than it does to have you for a son-in-law." -- Harry and Tom

"Some people who have asked what I'm working on just don't understand the things one will do for the entertainment of their community. Like lighting their butts on fire and running around screaming "The Tribbles are coming the Tribbles are coming!". Yes, I'd do that." -- Sforzie, a.st.c

"On your feet, Lieutenant, that's an order!"
"You can't give me orders. We're the same rank!"
"I am a bridge officer and I have seniority."
"Yeah, about two days!" -- Paris and Torres

"I'll see you tonight. BYOB."
"What?"
"Bring your own bat'leth." -- Paris and Torres

"Just think... minute after minute of carefree crew members running and playing on the beach in their individually replicated swimsuits."
"I don't know. Do you think anyone will really want to watch a full hour of nothing but beach scenes?" -- Kes and Neelix, 'The Black Shore'

"I could add a steamy love scene between the Starfleet conn officer and the Maquis engineer."
"Oh, that's realistic." -- Tom and B'Elanna

"It's as if somebody gave Sisyphus a TV show, and we have to watch every week thinking maybe, just maybe, this will be the episode where the rock doesn't roll back down the hill." - Cinescape on Voyager

"I'm detecting elevated hormonal levels. If you two don't take it easy I'll have to declare a medical emergency." -- The Doctor

*****

Q

"Listen here, lovey, I'm not some kind of cosmic cappuccino machine. *Most* Starfleet Captains call on me to save a planet or two, or rescue their ship from rampant aliens. Oh No! Not Captain Kathy! She's got her priorities sorted. Get the caffeine intake right and all the rest will follow." -- Q [Robin Lawrey]

"We are no closer to finding a solution to the deteriorating orbit of the Bre'el IV moon. But with the arrival of Q, we now have a good idea of the cause." -- Picard

"What are you looking at?"
"I was considering the possibility that you are telling the truth... that you really are human."
"It's the ghastly truth, Mister Data. I can now stub my toe with the best of them."
"An irony. It means that you have achieved in disgrace, what I have always aspired to be." -- Q and Data

Q: "This is incredible!"
LaForge: "You see something here, Q?"
Q: "I think I just hurt my back! I'm feeling pain. I don't like it. Uh, what's the right thing to say, 'Ow'?"
Data and LaForge: "Ow."
Q: "*Ow*! I can't straighten up!" -- "Deja Q", ST:TNG

"Please don't feel compelled now to tell me the story of 'The Boy Who Cried Worf'." -- Q

"Picard, grow some hair. Your brain has caught cold." -- Q

"It's difficult to work in a group when you're omnipotent." -- Q

"It's not safe out here! It's wondrous, with treasures to satiate desires both subtle and gross. But it's not for the timid." -- Q

Picard: "Return that moon to its orbit."
Q: "I have no powers! Q, the ordinary!"
Picard: "Q, the liar! Q, the misanthrope!"
Q: "Q, the miserable, Q, the desperate! What must I do to convince you people?"
Worf: "Die."
Q: "Oh, very clever, Worf. Eat any good books lately?"

******

"Are you people on LSD?"
"We tried, but we couldn't keep it lit." -- Robert Justman and Gene Roddenberry

"Star Trek's audience has always been far bigger than the hard-core fan base widely mocked for wearing Vulcan ears, or more precisely, for the intensity of their commitment to a shared communal fantasy." -- Donna Minkowitz, The Nation

"Sir? You might want to think about recommending seat belts when we get home." -- 'Enterprise'

"I can't imagine *any* Vulcan willingly wearing a baby-T. Not unless a phaser and a Vorlag and a hundred insane impulsive carnivores at Britney Spears concert were involved. Yee." -- Kiki on the blue scene, 'Enterprise'

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

"So what's the rush? What are we trying to do?"
"Fair enough. A deadly virus is threatening to wipe out the lives of everyone we hold dear...and only the good ship *Excalibur* has a hope of stopping it. Does that answer it?"
"Yes, sir."
"You're frowning, Lieutenant. I hope you're not feeling daunted."
"No, sir. Just the strangest feeling of deja vu, that's all. Don't worry. It'll be gone soon enough." -- Riker and McHenry, "Star Trek: Double Helix" (Peter David strikes again...)

"Yes, Odo's been after you at least as long as I've been here, and yes, you've been incredibly dense and stupid, and now it's just getting incredibly pathetic, so will you please jump the guy's bones and put him out of his misery, so we can concentrate on more important things, like my problems?" -- Sisko to Kira [The Goddess, a.st.c]

"What's happening out there?"
"Subspace compression."
"Ahh, subspace compression."
"Do you know what that is?"
"Just a guess here. Technobabble?" -- Sisko and Dax [Peter David]

"Two insane senior officers... Starfleet was not going to like it. One insane officer is bad luck, but They would probably view two insane officers as carelessness." -- Sisko [Rae Gunter]

Sisko: "Would my senior staff kindly stop loitering in the hallways and get their asses up to Ops like I asked ten minutes ago?"
Dax: "So what's up, Ben?
Sisko: "Ask the doctor. I explained it all to *him* when no one else would show up."
Dax: "So, what's up, Doc?"
Bashir: "Be vewwy vewwy quiet, I'm hunting wabbits."
Odo: "Really, now, Doctor?"
Bashir: "No, not really, but I couldn't resist the set-up." -- The Goddess, a.st.c

"Can't stay away from the big chair?"
"No, I don't think I'm cut out to be captain. First Officer, maybe...I understand there aren't many qualifications."
"Captain to the bridge. *Please.*" -- Riker and Troi

"Sir, I protest. I am not a Merry Man!" -- Worf

"I am the greatest swordsman in all of Nottingham!"
"There's something you should know."
"And what might that be?"
"I'm not from Nottingham!" -- Guy of Gisbourne and Picard

"We were like warriors of the ancients; there was nothing we could not do."
"Except keep the holodecks working right." -- Worf and O'Brien

"I'm sure there's more than one Klingon who thinks slaying a Changeling would be worth a song or two."
"Doctor, if a Klingon *were* to kill me, I'd expect nothing less than an entire opera on the subject."
"Maybe. I just don't want to have to listen to it." -- Bashir and Odo

"There was no harm done."
"They broke seven of your transverse ribs and fractured your clavicle."
"Ah, but I got off several cutting remarks, which no doubt did serious damage to their egos." -- Garak and Bashir

"What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security team, who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of Imperial Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet?" -- Tom Galloway

"No one knows what the future holds, so forward we look and forward we go." -- ST:TNG

"I canna change the laws of physics, Captain, but I'll find y' a loophole!" - Scottie

"My father went to the Genesis Project and all I got was this lousy Klingon Knife." -- David Marcus

"Damnit, Jim, I'm a vampire not a magician!" -- Bones, 'Forever Trek'

"Captain Kirk and his fellows are into exercise in their old age; lately they've been seen exercising at the He's Dead Gym." -- random offering from alt.humor.puns

"The USS Enterprise has seen more action than a Tribble in heat!" -- anonymous

"I am P-P-Porky Pig of Borg. You will be assim-assim-assim...absorbed." -- deb wade, r.a.c.x.

"What we have here is a failure to assimilate." -- Cool Hand Locutus [Merritt Stone]

"I am Duncan Macborg of the clan Macborg. You will be assimilated. In the end, we will be only one." -- a.st.c

"Assimilate MOI??" -- Miss Piggy vs. the Borg [Merritt Stone]

"Dax, are you pondering what I'm pondering?
"I think so Benjamin, but how will we get Quark in a tutu?" -- Sisko and Dax [The Goddess]

"Did you get any answers?
"From Garak?
"You're right. Stupid question." -- Dax and Bashir [Jennifer Hillger]

"Nothing worth having is free -- but they can't blame you for trying." -- 37th Rule of Aquisition.

"We are Scully of Borg, we are sure there is a perfectly reasonable explanation for your resistance....." -- Morwenna, r.a.st.c

"It's not your fault things are the way they are.
"Everyone always tells themselves that and things never change." -- DS9

"If you think these hysterics have been bad I've got a redheaded doctor and a bald Captain you wouldn't believe." -- Q to Q2 [SKJTrek]

"I bought the Star Trek chess set and the Civil War chess set. Now I have the South fight the Klingons." -- Dave Spensley

"I'm a doctor, not a doorstop." -- Emergency Medical Program, 'ST: First Contact'

"Well, so much for Enterprise E.
"We barely knew her.
"Think they'll build another?"
"There's plenty more letters in the alphabet." -- Crusher and Picard

"In my professional opinion as ship's counselor -- he's nuts." -- Troi

"He's dead Jim. You get his wallet, I'll get his tricorder." -- bumper sticker

"Did you know that the Enterprise has a new weapon that fires elves and faerie nobles at their enemies- the Fey-Sir beams. The other weapon mounted on the ship makes funny faces at the enemy, you know the Foe-taunt-or-P.O.'d." -- Magus Firecow, alt.callahans

"If there can be a warp drive, why is there no woof drive?"
"There is, but it only functions out near the Dog Star." --Shadow

"Oh, you can't be Sirius!"
Och Captain, the engines Canis take it" -- Mark, Shadow, Blessing and journeyman, alt.callahans

"Insufficient Data
"That's not what Tasha said." -- T.I.C.

" Starfleet officers may be fruits and nuts. "Weird" may be what we do. But, all in all, we're a pretty stable lot. That is the point, after all: Romeo and Juliet, and Tristan and Isolde may make good theater; but from Starfleet's point of view the energy is better expended on less intimate matters, and the dramatic litter of corpses should properly be those of armed enemies of the state. The recruitment officers and counselors generally go out of their way to discourage the sexually distraught from entering the fleet. They're funny that way. " -- Macedon and Pegeen

GARGOYLES

"Well, I'm still not exactly sure where the beginning is, I think I came in somewhere around the middle. And definitely left before the end. Oh yeah. Definitely missed the end." -- Brooklyn [Tara O'Shea]

"It's my first real stab at cliche villainy. How am I doing?' -- Xanatos

"I'm gonna run out of cuffs." -- Elisa Maza

"A land with a hero soon finds other deeds for him to do." -- Goliath

"and the #1 Gargoyles crossover: "Star Trek: The Next Generation": The fate of the Enterprise hangs in the balance as Riker, Troi and Worf desperately attempt to explain to Goliath and company that they are *not* Xanatos, Demona and Coldstone." -- Jax

"Alex, can you say harrassment? I knew that you could." -- Xanatos

"Not a good night to be a bad guy." -- Angela

"Get an afterlife." -- Hudson

"Never look a gift gargoyle in the mouth." -- Xanatos

"Gargoyles love a battle hardy
So does Puck; come on, let's party." -- Puck

"You know what I really hate?"
"The fact that she's probably right?"
"Yeah." -- Shadow and Brooklyn [Lynn Tucker]

"Why does that sound too easy?"
"Probably because you've been around me too long." -- Shadow and Ghost, [Lynn Tucker]

"The written word is all that stands between memory and oblivion. . .[Books] are windows on the past, mirrors on the present, and prisms reflecting all possible futures. Books are lighthouses erected in the dark sea of time." -- Jeffrey Robbins

"Owen is Alfred on Prozac." -- Melissa Wilson

"Feel the air currents, use them. Like when you're flying."
"Yeah, use the Force, Lex." -- Broadway and Brooklyn

"You're actually considering the idea that there are gargoyles in New York City?"
"Where else could they walk down the street and not be noticed? Other than Los Angeles." -- Mulder and Scully [Melissa W.]

THE X-FILES

"Actually, the new millenium doesn't even start until the first day of the year 2001."
"Nobody likes a math geek, Scully." -- Scully and Mulder

"You can get the next mutant" -- Mulder

"Aside from the need for corrective lenses and the tendency to be abducted by UFOs involved in an conspiracy, the Mulder family *passes* genetic muster!" -- Mulder

"Please explain to me the scientific nature of the whammy." -- Scully

"Go ahead, I know you love to slap on the latex." -- Mulder to Scully

"I've got your suspect and you've got mine. Why does that make sense to me at this point?" -- Scully

"Okay, it's not yet the finely detailed insanity you've come to expect from me; it's just a theory..." -- Mulder

"Those are the risks we take; you either accept them or you don't. We all draw our own lines." -- Mulder

"I've heard the truth, Mulder. Now what I want are the answers." -- Scully

"If there's an iced tea in that bag, it could be love."
"Must be fate, Mulder - root beer." -- Mulder and Scully

"I can't take you anywhere." -- Scully to Mulder

"Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you." -- Mulder

"Do you have any idea what liver and onions go for on Reticula?" -- Mulder

"Mulder, toads just fell out of the sky!"
"Guess the parachutes didn't open." -- Scully and Mulder

"Skinner's waiting for your report - what are you going to tell him?"
"The truth -- that I got hit by a car." -- Scully and Mulder.

"Mulder it smells like...like bile."
"How do I get this off my hand quickly without betraying my cool exterior?" -- Scully and Mulder

"Sometimes the need to mess with their heads outweighs the millstone of humilation." -- Mulder

XENA/HERCULES

"When we were your age, I was dragging Iolaus kicking and screaming into a cave to fight his first monster."
"The screaming didn't start until after we found out it could breathe fire. You know, that's a line you never hear in the bards' version of the story: And then the great Hercules said, 'Wow, I didn't know it could do that.'" -- Hercules and Iolaus, When Hellmouths Collide

"Oh, great. They don't even speak our language and they know your name."
"I guess I'm just transcendent like that. You know. One of those son-of-a-god things."
"Well, a son-of-a-something, anyway...." -- Iolaus and Hercules, When Hellmouths Collide

"Playing Iolaus is like letting loose a part of myself that still wants to run around fighting monsters and villains in a simpler time when life was less complicated. It's an irresistable opportunity - to be almost a child again, to play with swords and ride horses, to have to learn about what it is to be brave, or scared, or in love for the first time, and to do all of these things with humour and humanity." -- Michael Hurst