MOVIES

"After a chase through the canals of Venice, which in real life would have led to the loss of six tourist gondolas and the drowning of an accordion player, the confederates go to an extraordinary amount of trouble to meet, with the gold, in a high Alpine pass apparently undisturbed since Hannibal. I have no idea how hard it is to move $35 million in gold from Venice to the Alps with Interpol looking for you, or for that matter how hard it would be to move it back down again, but golly, it's a pretty location." -- Roger Ebert on "The Italian Job"

"Vampires are always in pose mode, which tends to make vampire movies into comedies. The stark horror of 'Nosferatu' has long since dribbled down into overwrought melodrama. The buried message of many scenes is: Regard me well, for here I am, and I am thus. A lot of the dialogue is declamatory, and many sentences are versions of 'Together, we (will, can, must) (rule, change, destroy) the (world, our victims, the people in this bar).'" -- Roger Ebert

"Much of the serenity and order of nature depends on eating the neighbors."
"I have a sneaking suspicion that Ebert is insane, but in a good way."
"Dude. Anyone who watches that many movies, many of them reekingly bad, would have to go insane to stay sane, ya know?" -- Roger Ebert on Ice Age, Tina and Cath

Batman

"Watch and learn, little boy." -- Batgirl

"Why are all the gorgeous ones homicidal maniacs? Is it me?" -- Batman

"Your entrance was good. His was better." -- The Riddler

"Let's just say I could write a hell of a paper on a grown man who dresses up like a flying rodent." -- Dr. Chase Meridian

"Holy rusty metal, Batman!" -- Robin

"The Bat Signal is not a beeper!" -- Batman

"That's my name, Maximillions, don't wear it out or I'll make you buy me a new one." -- Selena Kyle to Max Shreck

"It's gonna be a hot time in the cold town tonight." -- Catwoman

"It's the so-called normal guys who always let you down. Sickos never scare me -- at least they're committed." -- Selena Kyle

"Security? Who let Vicki Vale into the Batcave? I'm sitting there working and I turn around and there she is -- 'Oh hi Vic, come on in.'" -- Bruce Wayne

"Where does he get those wonderful toys?" -- Joker

"I'm sorry, I mistook me for someone else." -- Bruce Wayne

"Life's a bitch, now so am I." -- Catwoman

"We need to change the locks on the Batcave." -- Robin

"I want a car. Chicks digs the car."
"This is why Superman does a single." -- Robin and Batman

"We're going to need a bigger cave." -- Alfred

Star Wars

"Lost an entire planet Master Obi-Wan has. Mercy, mercy. How embarrassing." -- Yoda

"In war, there are no winners...there are just different degrees of losing." -- Admiral Ackbar, 'Showdown at Centerpointe'

"He's already shooting at us. How could shooting back make things any worse?"
"I don't know, but I bet we find a way." -- Jaina and Jacen Solo, 'The Corellia Trilogy'

"The Yoda scenes tend to drag the tenth time you've seen them. ("Stall we must. Second act this is. Talk odd would you if puppet with hand up rear were you.")" -- James Lileks

"Together again."
"Wouldn't miss it. How are we doing?"
"Same as always."
"That bad huh?" -- Luke and Han

"I'd let him have it, it's not wise to upset a Wookie."
"But sir, no one worries about upsetting a droid."
"That's 'cause droids don't pull people's arms out of their sockets when they lose. Wookies are known to do that."
"I see your point, sir. I suggest a new strategy, Artoo. Let the Wookie win." -- Han and Threepio

"Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?" -- Princess Leia

"Do, or do not. There is no try." -- Yoda

"Yoda was always an insightful but sadistic master of the obvious." -- Chris Kamnikar

"all mary sues have a natural aptitude for the force that makes anakin skywalker look like a midichlorian-deprived pansy." -- How to Write a Mary Sue

***

"Problem: Your WILL seems to have rather a lot of beads in his hair, several gold teeth, far too much eye-liner and rather affected mannerisms.
"Solution: You have accidentally been issued with a JACK SPARR... sorry, a CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW unit. Although the JACK model is WILL's equal in the 'High Cheekbones' and 'Smouldering Brown Eyes' stakes, he lacks WILL's naive charm and innocence. You may feel the urge to slap the JACK model across the face. Give in to this urge -- he probably deserves it." -- TroubleShooting Your WILL TURNER [Theresa Green]

"Damn it, Jim, I'm an astronomer, not a doctor! Well, I am a doctor, but not that kind of doctor..." -- Doc, "Treasure Planet"

"So, Frodo. I'm getting married soon. I was wondering... I'm going to need a ring bearer..."
"Don't make me hurt you, my Lord." -- Aragorn and Frodo, "ROTK: Breadbox Edition"

"I almost feel silly with the Legolust, as they're calling it. I know it's me and a zillion screaming thirteen-year-olds. Although I doubt many of their Mary Sues would contain the scene where he *CENSORED* ...but, really, where would you get Cheez Whiz in Rohan?" -- Celli

"A Blade/Queen of the Damned crossover? Who would get to use the mousse first?" -- Kiki

"The way I look at it, half the people want to see me in a movie, and half the people want to see me die. So I think everybody will be happy." -- Lance Bass from 'N Sync on his acting goal, to play a victim in a Freddy Krueger movie

"Of course, a witch is always a lady except for when circumstances dictate otherwise." -- Miss Price, 'Bedknobs and Broomsticks'

"He really is in love with himself. I thought it was just a summer thing." -- Jo, 'Twister'

"When your head says one thing and your whole life says another, your head always loses." -- Key Largo

"Never get more popular than the boss... unless you intend to sack him." -- Baron Harkonner, 'Dune'

"The art designs--of sets, costumes and the like--are particularly impressive."
"Except the hats. Someone in that costume department said, "Hats? *More* hats? Fine. You want hats, I'll give you hats." and then took out all his/her frustration with the entire production on people's heads." -- Paul and Margie [whomever they are] on Dune

"Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home." -- absolutely anyone who just saw 'Vertical Limit'

"I'm not afraid of the man who wants 10 nuclear weapons, Colonel. I'm terrified of the man who only wants one." -- Dr. Kelly, "The Peacemaker"

The Tick: "THERE IS NO SPOON?"
Neo: "You get used to it." -- Lar deSouza

"Let's get the boring obituary stuff out of the way first. "Battlefield Earth" doesn't just pass away. It dies. It swigs the Ebola virus as mouthwash during its first turgid, apocalyptic, Planet-of-the-Apes-pilfered minutes, then spends two hours convulsing and frothing onscreen until you want to stuff a pillow in its mouth and say: Enough already." -- The Fresno Bee

"Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence" -- Time Bandits

"Why the hell would you hire a goddamned maniac?"
"Because sane people do not build weapons like this." -- two honchos in 'Under Siege 2'

"We're on a blind date with destiny -- and it looks like she's ordered the lobster." -- The Shoveler, 'Mystery Men'

"Yes, Dad, we are all well aware that you just saved the day. And we're probably going to be hearing about it for the rest of our lives..." -- The Bowler, 'Mystery Men'

"If. If is good..." -- Panic, 'Disney's Hercules'

"Teach 'em everything you know; I want them to be the best of the worst. And don't ever let me catch you doing anything they teach you." -- the captain, 'Running Scared.'

"But I know something of a woman in a man's profession. Yes, by God, I do know about that." -- Queen Elizabeth, 'Shakespeare in Love'

"Whoever wrote this episode should *die*!!!" -- Gwen DeMarco, "Galaxy Quest"

"I put that wig on and I didn't say an intelligent thing for four months. My voice went up, I walked differently and I would ask incredibly stupid questions." -- Sigourney Weaver on going blonde for "Galaxy Quest."

"Another Carver building. If I didn't know better, I'd say he developed an edifice complex." -- James Bond

"I'm an action figure!" -- Hercules, 'Disney's Hercules'

"It's a good thing frogs can hop, or else I'd be gone with the Schwinn!" -- Kermit

"It is not easy to become beautiful. It requires hard work, patience, and attention to detail. It also takes a certain firmness of purpose. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye." -- Miss Piggy

"What the hell's the point of having a beeper if you never turn it on?"
"It was turned on, I was ignoring you." -- ID4

"Oh man, you did *not* shoot that green shit at me!" -- Steve

"Welcome to Earth." -- Steven Hiller

"Failure is not an option!" -- Ed Harris, 'Apollo 13'

"Zues-y, I'm ho-ome!" -- Hades, 'Disney's Hercules'

"Do you see it as part of your job to torture me?"
"No, just one of the perks." -- Lucy and Andrew Shepard, 'The American President'

"Louis, it's 5 a.m., you've got to get yourself a life, man." -- Andrew Shepard, 'The American President'

"On one side of the scale we have all those reasons for turning you in; and maybe in and of themselves they don't mean that much, but look at the number of them! And on the other side we have the fact that you might love me and I might love you. And it's not enough." - Sam Spade, 'The Maltese Falcon'

"Memo to me: Maim you after my meeting." -- Hades, 'Disney's Hercules'

"Relax, the sea of raging hormones has ebbed." -- Megaera, 'Disney's Hercules'

"All right, but no more singing."
"...How do you feel about interpretive dance?" -- Garrett and Devon, 'QfC'

"Guys. They think 'No' means 'Yes' and 'Get lost' means 'Take me, I'm yours'." -- Megaera, 'Disney's Hercules'

"If anyone needs me, I'll be in the Roosevelt Room, giving Louis oxygen." -- AJ, 'The American President'

"Rule #96: AIM!" -- Philatiles, 'Disney's Hercules'

"Half of everything is luck, James."
"And the other half?"
"Fate." -- Alec and Bond, Goldeneye

"Oh, but I like rascals, and I can understand people like that... But I'm not blind to what they are." -- Rhett Butler

"Remember, a man's heart is judged not by how much he loves, but by how much he is loved by others." -- The Wizard

"Your reality, sir, is lies and balderdash and I'm delighted to say that I have no grasp of it whatsoever." -- Baron Munchausen

"What's wrong, Abby?"
"Nothing that a rooftop and an AK-47 won't take care of." -- 'Truth About Cats and Dogs'

"Let me tell you what you want: you want to come and go like the wind, right?"
"Right."
"Invincible, invulnerable, invisible."
"And I want it Thursday at 9."
"It won't be invisible 'til 5." -- the mechanic and Danny, 'Running Scared'

"That's spiked."
"Thank God." -- Jack and Lucy, 'While You Were Sleeping'

"I don't have any flowers, I wouldn't mind seeing the black underwear, but under the circumstances, I don't think we should move in together."
"I thought you were Joe Jr."
"I get that a lot." -- Lucy and Jack, 'While You Were Sleeping'

"26 years in the deepest, darkest jungle, and I still turned into my father." -- Alan, 'Jumanji'

"You just saw three monkeys go by on a motorcycle, didn't you?"
"Yes."
Good girl." -- Sarah and Judy, 'Jumanji'

"Ladies do not start fights - but they can finish them!" -- Marie, 'The Aristocats'

"You're not a lady, you're just a sister!" -- Berlios, 'The Aristocats'

"I finally had some sense knocked into me and I've got the bump to prove it." -- Simba, 'The Lion King'

"Do not attempt to grow a brain!" -- bad guy in 'Speed'

"Spandex is a priviledge, not a right." -- Freak, 'Hackers'

"You're not good enough to beat me."
"Maybe not. But *we* are." -- Plague and Dade, 'Hackers'

"But if there's one law of the West -- bastards have brothers, who seem to ride forever." -- Joan Wilder, 'Romancing the Stone'

"You get what you settle for."--Susan Sarandon, 'Thelma & Louise'

Vespa: "How was that?"
Lone Star: "Not bad."
Barf: "Not bad... for a girl."
Dot: "Hey, that was pretty good for Rambo." -- 'Spaceballs'

"What, did you wake this morning and think, 'Today, I'm gonna ruin a man's life'?" -- Jack Colton

"That's it, all votes are in! Life is now officially unfair!" -- Iago, 'Return of Jafar'

"*THTPT* on Bobby DeNiro." -- Richard Dreyfuss, 'Moon Over Parador'

"It takes a real man to wear tights." -- Little John

"My real name is Will Scarlett O'Hara. We from Georgia." -- Will Scarlett, both 'Robin Hood: Men in Tights'

"No, no, no, if you shoot him, you'll just make him mad." -- Jim, 'Blazing Saddles'

"Affection is one thing, but licking each other public is another matter." --'Nightfire'

"The choices we make dictate the life we lead. 'To thine own self be true.'" -Bill Rago, 'Renaissance Man'

"Guess I'm not trained for this." -- Casey Ryback, confronted with a 16-year-old niece

"*This*, I'm trained for." - Casey Ryback, confronted with a train load of terrorists. Both Under Seige 2

"God, we're pathetic."
"Excuse me?"
"Well, we're here, we're sitting on the most perfect beach in the world and all we can think about is..."
"...Where can I hook up my modem?" -- Jack and Angela 'The Net'

"Are we fugitives from the law?"
"Yes, sir."
"Idiocy is our only option." -- Sam and Saul, 'Outbreak'

"I've got cabin fever, I think I've lost my grip.
I'd love to get my hands on whoever wrote this script!"

"Don't cry for me, Benjamina." -- Kermit

"Shiver me timbers, shiver me sails.
Dead men tell no tales." -- all from Muppet Treasure Island

"I've watched enough cartoons, how would an animated character handle this?" -- John Ritter, 'Stay Tuned'

"This is where you fall down." -- Johnny Cage, 'Mortal Kombat'

"Well, it's not good, but it's a reason." -- Danny Kaye

"When are you going to learn girls like that are a dime a dozen?"
"Please don't quote me the price when I haven't go the time." -- Bing and Danny

"Emma, I got along very well in the Army without you."
"It took 15,000 men to take my place!" -- Gen. Waverly and Emma. All from 'White Christmas.

"What's wrong with him?"
"Laser envy." -- Hamm and Potato Head, 'Toy Story'

"That's not flying! That's falling with style!" -- Woody

"Revenge isn't an idea we promote on my planet."
"Good."
"But this isn't my planet, is it?" -- Buzz Lightyear and Woody

"God creates dinosaurs, God destroys dinosaurs, God creates man, man destroys God, man creates dinosaurs..."
"Dinosaurs eat man... woman inherits the earth." -- Malcolm and Elli, 'Jurassic Park'

"I simply will not tolerate eavesdropping unless I am a part of it." -- Hollywood, 'Mannequin'

"Men been givin' you a little trouble?"
"Nothing but." -- Murphy and Emma, 'Murphy's Romance'

"My friends have overlooked my shortcomings, seen me through some dark days and brightened up the rest of them. I'm lucky to have them. Hell, I'm honored to have them." -- Murphy, 'Murphy's Romance'

"Hope you don't mind my legs." -- Ann Miller, 'Kiss Me Kate'

"Raising an heir could never compare with raising a bit of Cain." -- Petruchio, 'Kiss Me Kate'

"Today, my jurisdiction ends *here*." -- Sheriff Langston, 'Silverado'

"Houston, we have a problem." -- Jim Lovell, 'Apollo 13'

"I married him for life and by God he's gonna show some."
"Are you a man or a mouse? Don't just stand there, squeak up!" -- both from 'Boys of Syracuse'

"I'm about to get killed a million light years from home and a gung-ho iguana tells me to relax!" -- Alex Rogan, 'The Last Starfighter'

"Colonel Strasser has been shot. Round up the usual suspects." -- Claude Raines

"I came to Casablanca for the waters."
"The waters? What waters? We're in the desert."
"I was misinformed." -- Bogart mystifying a minion, Casablanca

"Play it, Sam. You played it for her, you can play it for me." -- Bogie

"Why there even are places where English completely disappears -
Well, in America they haven't used it for years." -- Henry Higgens, 'My Fair Lady'

"Are you the Midnight Star herself?"
"I am. I'm always there, but I only shine at night." -- Paden and Stella, 'Silverado'

"All I did was kiss the girl." -- Jake, 'Silverado'

"A guy I've trusted for years wants me dead."
"That's understandable - I've known you for five minutes and I want you dead." -- Matrix and Cindy, 'Commando'

"There's a maniac loose in the city!"
"What a coincidence - there's a maniac loose out here, too!" -- Dredd and Fergie

"We're a team! Granted, you do most of the work, but we're still a team!" -- Fergie, stealing 'Judge Dredd'

"Where you headed, cowboy?"
"No place special."
"No place special. . . I always wanted to go there." -- Jim and Bart, 'Blazing Saddles'

"I don't want to die."
"Neither do I, baby, but if I gotta die, I want to die last." -- Robert Mitchum to a dame in at least one movie

"But I'm a man!"
"Nobody's perfect." -- Jack Lemmon and Joey Brown, 'Some Like It Hot'

"Drop dead!"
"Too late!" - Kat and the ghosts

"What's this Vic guy got that I don't?"
"A pulse." -- Casper and Kat

"God, I'd kill for a pinky." -- Casper

"Have you ever killed anyone?"
"Yeah, but they were all bad." -- Helen and Harry Trask, 'True Lies'

"The lives of two people may not amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world . . . but this is *our* hill, and these are *our* beans." - The Naked Gun

"Is that really the way it happened, Wyatt?"
"Absolutely...give or take a lie or two." -- Tom Mix and Wyatt Earp, "Sunset."

"Love is not blind! I see all your faults and I know what you're like and I don't care -- I love you anyway!" -- Cat Ballou

"When good men do nothing, that is evil enough." -- from Street Fighter

"Well, it's a matter of life after death. Now that he's dead, I have a life." -- Mrs. White, 'Clue'

MUSIC

"...On the lownav.com message board, someone was talking about the Ben & Jerry's music-themed ice creams, and trying to come up with a perfect L&N one. I think Dan [Navarro] wins: 'Stranger Than Dreams, That Ice Cream In The Night.'" -- Celli

"Give me life, give me pain, give me myself again" -- Tori Amos, "Little Earthquakes"

"We call them weak, who are unable to resist
the slightest chance love might exist, and for that forsake it all." -- Garth Brooks

"If it's the truth you seek then darlin love you'll find." -- Sophie B. Hawkins

"A flower grows, an old man dies
And through it all we still survive
A poor man screams, but no one hears
Ain't nothing changed much through the years." -- Amy Grant, "The Power"

"I may be crazy as the cracks in this old guitar, but I'm constant as the night." -- Lowen and Navarro

"It's not too near for me
Like a flower I need the rain
It's not too clear to me
Every season has its change
And I will see you when the sun comes out again" -- Sophie B. Hawkins, 'As I Lay Me Down'

"You can go through life with the greatest of intentions
But you do what you do what you've just got to do." -- 'Just About Right', Blackhawk

"will you join in our crusade? who will be strong and stand with me
somewhere beyond the barricade is there a world you long to see
do you hear the people sing
say do you hear the distant drums
it is the future that they bring when tomorrow comes" -- Les Mis

"I see but deep within is utter blindness." -- The Beast, BATB

"If I ran away, I'd never have the strength to go very far; How would they hear the beating of my heart?" -- Madonna, 'Live to Tell'

"do you hear the people sing, lost in the valley of the night
it is the music of a people who are climbing to the light
for the wretched of the earth there is a flame that never dies
even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise" -- 'Les Miserables'

"I guess it's not the end of the world...but it's a damn good start." -- Emilio

"There's two lanes running down this road, whichever side you're on
Accounts for where you want to go or what you're running from." -- Mary-Chapin Carpenter

"Your blue might be gray, your less might be more
Your window to the world might be your own front door
Your shiniest day might come in the middle of the night --
It's just about right." -- Blackhawk

"Life's a picture that you paint with blues and greys, can's and caint's."

"I've crossed lines of words and wire and both have cut me deep.
I've been frozen out and I've been on fire, and the tears are mine to weep." -- Mary-Chapin Carpenter

"When the end is right, it justifies the beans!" -- Into the Woods

"Just remembering you've had an 'and' when you're back to 'or' makes the 'or' mean more than it did before...." -- Into the Woods

"As long as one heart still holds on
Then hope is never really gone." -- Garth Brooks, 'The Change'

"The sun is getting dim will I pay for who I've been" -- Tori Amos, 'Happy Phantom'

"Memories play tricks on us; the more we cling, the less we trust." -- Mary Chapin Carpenter

"In a dream you will see Darkness calls your name
All alone you are lost in a perilous game." -- David Arkenstone, "The Voice"

"I think about my life gone by, and how it's done me wrong;
There's no escape for me this time, all of my rescues are gone, long gone." -- 'Hazard', Richard Marx

"Some people say that you shouldn't tempt fate, and for them I cannot disagree;
but I never learned nothin' from playing it safe - I say fate should not tempt me." -- Mary-Chapin Carpenter

"And there is a love that is inherently given; a kind of blindness offered to deceive." -- Sarah McLachlan, 'Wait'

"Every generation yields a newborn hope unjaded by their years." -- Sarah McLachlan, 'Wait'

"I've been down a time or two, but it never lasts long;
I can always make it through on a wing and a prayer and a song." -- Clint Black, 'State of Mind'

"Life is not tried, it is merely survived if you're standing outside the fire." -- Garth Brooks, 'Standing Outside the Fire'

"A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're fast asleep.
In dreams you will lose your heartaches.
Whatever you wish for you keep.
Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come shining through.
No matter how your heart is dreaming
If you keep on believing
The dream that you wish will come true." -- 'Cinderella'

"When you see a man who's raging and he's jealous and he fears
That you've walked through walls he's hid behind for years
What you do then is you tell yourself to wait it out and say
It's this day, not me, that's bound to go away" -- "The Secret Garden"

"I've been raising up my hands, drive another nail in; got enough guilt to start my own religion." -- Tori Amos, 'Crucify'

"We got two lives, one we're given, and the other one we make." - Mary Chapin-Carpenter, 'The Hard Way'