All I Have To Do Is Dream

By Sarah Wait
Copyright 1999

Author's Note: Comments are appreciated, constructive criticism is fine, but flames will be used to make S'mores.

Timeline/Spoilers: Sometime in the future; vague references to Rhapsody in Blue and The Flax.

Disclaimer: The characters and situations of the TV program "Farscape" belong to the Jim Henson Company, Rockne S. O'Bannon, the Sci-Fi Channel, Hallmark Entertainment, Nine Network Australia, and the actors who bring the characters to life. They have been borrowed with love, but not permission. The Everly Brothers belong to themselves, and the song is theirs - it fit perfectly, so I just borrowed it for a while. No copyright infringement is intended.

Author's Notes: #1 - "The ideas/hypotheses put forth in this fic do not necessarily represent the author's opinions." In other words, this is *not* my contribution to the "Do Sebaceans dream?" argument. It's just an idea that popped into my head, and it was a lot more fun than paying attention in my night class.

#2 - There are two endings to this one. Think of it as one of those "Choose Your Own Adventure" books - read one, and if you don't like the way it ends, go back and choose the other path. Hopefully you'll be happy with one of them. :)

#3 - Thanks to Laura and Paulie. Again.

Aeryn Sun sat at the table, slumped over with her chin resting on her arms. She stared at the metal cup, which in this position, was eye-level. It was almost empty. Again. She wondered if she had the energy to get up to refill it. She wondered if she cared.

She heard footsteps enter from the hall, but she didn't even raise her eyes to see who it was. She recognized the cadence of his walk.

He reached into the refrigeration unit and withdrew a container. He shook it and what little liquid remained sloshed against the sides. Glancing at Aeryn with a look of mock exasperation, he grew serious as he studied her defeated stance.

"Hey," he said.

"Go 'way." She was not in the mood for this. Not at all.

"And a Howdy-Doody to you, too, Miss Sunshine." Never one to be deterred, John Crichton walked over and sat down across from her. "What's wrong?"

Aeryn buried her face in her arms. Her voice was muffled, but her words were still clear. "Just go away!"

Crichton peered into her cup, then shrugged and took a drink. "No. What's up?"

Aeryn groaned. As if he didn't know. "You're not *real*."

"What?"

Aeryn bit back the urge to scream. "You're not real. I killed you. You're *dead*. So just go away and leave me alone."

He actually had the gall to look confused. "*What* are you talking about?"

"Is this what you meant when you said you see your family and friends after you die? Because if it is, it's frelling annoying, Crichton." He didn't say anything; he just kept looking at her. She sighed and gave in, propping her elbows on the table and resting her chin in her hands. "Fine. This afternoon, we were on planet. Walking through a perfectly calm marketplace when you wandered off. Again. But instead of automatically looking for you, like I know I should, I figured I would just find you later. And then I heard the screaming. And when I finally found you, you were lying on the ground covered in blood because some angry merchant didn't like something you said."

Aeryn's eyes glazed over, her voice dropping to a whisper as she retreated deeper into the memory. "I tried to stop the blood, but there was too much. I kept yelling for someone to help us. But Zhaan was still on Moya and nobody wanted to help someone who might be a Peacekeeper. So they just stood there and watched you die in my arms."

Her voice caught on what sounded suspiciously like a sob, and she covered her face with her hands. Her next words were angry, but the anger was directed at herself. "All right, so I didn't actually *kill* you. But it was my fault. It was like I wasn't really there, I couldn't move fast enough, I couldn't find you. So you died. And it's my fault."

John moved the cup out of the way and put his hands on her arms. "Aeryn." He gently tried to pull her hands from her face, but she resisted. "Aeryn, listen to me," he insisted. Finally she relented, but as soon as her hands were down, she lowered her gaze to the table. John slid a finger under her chin and tilted it up until he could look into her eyes. "It wasn't real, Aeryn. You must have been dreaming."

"I told you once before, Crichton, I sleep soundly."

She meant it. "You mean you've really never dreamed before? At least, you've never remembered it?"

"No, I haven't," she responded, sounding annoyed.

"Well, you just did." She just stared at him, her jaw jutting out stubbornly. He stared back, just as stubborn. "Look, Aeryn, I don't know how I can explain to you what a dream is, not really. Not without going into a bunch of neurological and psychological babble. But that's all it could have been, because I *am* here, and I *am* alive."

"Prove it."

John's forehead wrinkled in confusion. "Prove it... What do you mean, 'prove it'?"

Aeryn sat up, pulling her arms away from him. "Prove to me that you're alive. That you're here. Then maybe I'll believe that it was a dream."

"How am I supposed to prove I'm alive??" he asked incredulously.

She refused to give even an inch. "I don't know," she said dryly, "you're the scientist, you figure it out."

John stared at her for a moment, then she saw a slight sparkle in his eyes. "Okay, fine. You want proof that I'm real, I'll give you proof." He grabbed her hand and tugged, and she had no choice but to follow.

Like clockwork, Aeryn's eyes fluttered open at the same time they always did. Years of training had conditioned her to wake at the same time every morning, no matter how much sleep she had gotten. She stared at the wall in front of her for a moment, then sighed. A dream, she told herself. Just a horrible dream. With another sigh, she rolled to her back.

She gazed wordlessly at the ceiling, not really seeing it. Of course it was just a dream, it always was. The same dream she had had almost every night for over a cycle. Since that day in the marketplace.

The dream had started that first night. Exhausted, she had finally collapsed on her bed, still dressed in the clothes stained with Crichton's blood. In the dream, she told John she always slept soundly. That was a lie. She had dreamed before - Sebaceans dreamed, but Peacekeepers were trained not to dwell on them. And she never had, until now. In the dream, Crichton had believed her, giving her the perfect out. The perfect way to forget; to pretend it hadn't happened. She had taken it, of course, and for a few hours that night, she was happy again.

But the happiness only lasted until she woke the next morning. It had taken her a moment to realize their conversation had actually been the dream. Then reality had come crashing down, bringing with it guilt and an incredible sense of loss. John was dead. After that first night, it had been days before she slept again; months before she had slept even one full night without the dream. Without him.

She looked around the room. Crichton's room. His bed, his things. She had taken to spending hours there. A weeken or so... after... she had given up and simply moved in permanently. Being there was both comforting and painful.

Just like the dream.

She was happy in the dream - for a few hours, she could be with Crichton again. In the dream, she was no longer lonely. But, inevitably, she always woke up. That was the price she had to pay. Sometimes she wondered if the pleasure was worth the pain.

Then there were times when she suddenly realized she couldn't visualize the details of his face, or remember the exact timber of his voice. Could she actually be forgetting him? He had made her promise that, while he lay dying in her arms. He had asked her to never forget him, and she had promised both John and herself that she wouldn't. But when those moments came, as they did more and more frequently now, she worried that his memory was fading away. That thought always filled her with a sense of dread, of failure. She would *not* forget him.

In the dream, her memory of him was crisp and clear. It was like he was real. Every detail, every nuance of his being was there for her to study. The light in his eyes when he teased her, and that ridiculous quirk of a smile. The quiet strength in his hands when they gripped hers. The way he said her name. She could memorize everything again, and the fear subsided. But the sorrow endured.

Sometimes she wondered if the dream was the only thing that kept her going; kept her sane. She tried to keep busy, which was easy on Moya. There were always the challenges of maintaining the living ship and the search for her crewmates' homeworlds. She had Chiana to keep out of trouble, and now that Jothee was with them, he took up a lot of her time and energy. But it wasn't the same. Nothing had been the same since John Crichton died.

Aeryn rolled back towards the wall. Maybe if she closed her eyes again, she could go back to the dream. Just for a little while. Reality could wait a few more hours today.

"Aeryn, are you awake? We need you in Command." Zhaan's voice was gentle. She knew about the dream and the problems Aeryn had sleeping, so it must be something important for Zhaan to disturb her at this time of the morning.

Aeryn sighed and swung her legs over the side of the bed. She found the comm and told Zhaan she was on her way. Exchanging John's t-shirt and Calvins for her own vest and pants, she stood and looked around the room once more.

"I'll see you tonight, John," she whispered. Turning, she opened the door, facing reality for one more day.

Like clockwork, Aeryn's eyes fluttered open at the same time they always did. Years of training had conditioned her to wake at the same time every morning, no matter how long she had slept. She stared at the wall in front of her for a moment, then sighed. A dream, she told herself. Just a horrible dream. With another sigh, she rolled to her back.

Or at least, tried to. She didn't get very far before she hit something very solid. Crichton... John. She came fully awake, her brain finally registering the weight of his arm around her waist and the heat of his breath on the back of her neck. Oh, he was real. He was *definitely* real.

She shifted in his embrace so she could see his face. His arm tightened around her, and she knew he was awake even though his eyes were still closed. "Morning," she said.

"Already?" he murmured.

She made a soft noise, echoing the disappointment she heard in his voice. Reaching out, she gently laid her hand on his cheek. John smiled, but still didn't open his eyes. He pulled her closer, and she rested her head against his shoulder.

"So, do we have anything we absolutely have to do today?" he finally asked.

She thought for a moment. "No, nothing I can think of."

"Good. Then we can just stay here a little longer." Aeryn raised her head to remind him that on Moya, there was always *something* that could be done. He had finally opened his eyes, and as she looked into them, she was surprised by the intensity she saw there. "Stay with me, Aeryn. Just for a while. Please."

For a moment, Aeryn simply lay in his arms without answering. Then she smiled, and he knew her answer. "All right."

She snuggled closer, tucking her head under his chin and resting her hand on his chest. Quietly - so quietly he had to strain to hear - she murmured, "I'm glad you're real."

John smiled. "Me, too, Aeryn. Me, too."

His lips briefly nuzzled her ear, then he hugged her closely to him. Relaxing, Aeryn went back to sleep, happily wrapped in John's arms.

All I Have to Do is Dream
by The Everly Brothers

Dream dream dream dream
Dream dream dream dream
When I want you in my arms
When I want you and all your charms
Whenever I want you all I have to do is
Dream dream dream dream
When I feel blue in the night
And I need you to hold me tight
Whenever I want you all I have to do is dream

I can make you mine
Taste your lips of wine
Anytime night or day
Only trouble is gee whiz
I'm dreaming my life away

I need you so that I could die
I love you so and that is why
Whenever I want you all I have to do is
Dream dream dream dream

I can make you mine
Taste your lips of wine
Anytime night or day
Only trouble is gee whiz
I'm dreaming my life away

I need you so that I could die
I love you so and that is why
Whenever I want you all I have to do is
Dream dream dream dream
Dream dream dream dream