06/19/01
Denial
by MelWil
Rating: PG
Archive: Just let me know where
Disclaimer: They are not mine. I just make them do what I say.
Authors note: This is Sam's POV at the same time as Ainsley's POV in Thoughts of Confusion. Thanks to Beth for beta-age.
She is beautiful. I can definitely appreciate the fall of her long blond hair, the little lift of her chin when she says something, the flashing eyes when she thinks something is wrong. I recognized her beauty the moment I saw her. But I didn't notice the quick mind, or the absolute passion behind her beliefs. Well, not until I was pinned underneath her ideas on national TV.
I invited her to this reception and now she's standing next to me, wearing the most beautiful navy dress. It had seemed obvious to me to invite her in some way that makes absolutely no sense now. But she seemed happy to come. And we can't deny that we're having a good time here. We've danced, mingled, talked, had a few laughs and even managed to avoid all the boring people. Ainsley commented on how close Donna and Josh stood when they were dancing and I pointed out that CJ and Mrs. Bartlett had managed to pull Toby away from the bar and out for a dance. We have generally had a good time. So why can't I make the next move and tell her the thing that has suddenly become so clear to me.
It was CJ who helped point it out to me. She told me that I thrive on women that challenge me and Ainsley does that, just like Mallory and Laurie. That I enjoy the fact they don't agree with me automatically, that they make me work, make me think. And then she warned me about all of the problems associated with falling for Ainsley.
I'm pretty sure that CJ managed to sum me up properly. I do love the way Ainsley makes me argue with her, how she refuses to agree with my position papers if she thinks there might be another way. She does make me think, make me look for other solutions. And that triumphant look on her face when she scores a point alwa ys makes me smile. But I can't really be falling in love with her can I? What if I was falling in love with her? What if I could go home with her tonight? I doubt that she would be the type to sleep with me straight away, even if she had been drinking. Instead we'd probably take our time, make the moments which make a relationship last that little bit longer. No one night stand, no playing around. It would probably be real.
As we dance around the room I realise how good she feels in my arms, how I wish I could continue holding her like this. I can't think of any reason why I couldn't. Not because she's a Republican, or because she manages to infuriate me constantly, or even because we work together. The only thing that stops me is the thought that she is stronger than I am, that I shouldn't fall in love with her because she is sure to reject me. So we can just remain friends. I'll walk her to her car tonight, and when we get there I'll simply kiss her on the cheek. And I won't watch her as she drives away. It would hurt too much when I know she won't be thinking about me.
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