04/24/01
Jagged Little Pill
by Lynn Jepsen
Rating: R (language, sex, violence)
Archive: Tell me where so I can come visit.
Spoilers: Up to 17 People
Disclaimer: The West Wing belongs to Aaron, Tommy, NBC, and Warner Brothers. Jagged Little Pill belongs to Alanis Morissette, MCA, and Maverick.
You Oughta Know
Madeline Hampton
I want you to know that I'm happy for you
I wish nothing but the best for you both
She grabbed the television and threw it against the wall, obliterating the image of a blond woman supporting a man struggling to walk from the hospital to the car. Opening the sliding doors to the balcony, she threw her head back and screamed to the sky above - painful, bitter, wordless sounds.
An older version of me
Is she perverted like me
Would she go down on you in a theater
Does she speak eloquently
And would she have your baby
I'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother
Each memory of him is replaced by her. That woman beside him in the White House theater. That woman ordering their meals. That woman leaning on his shoulder. That woman peeling off his clothes. That woman on her knees for him.
Taking a razor from the bathroom - he left the blade behind - she cut his image from the glossy photographs filling the shoe boxes beneath her bed. She lit a fire and burned him - his images - slowly, meticulously, and threw the ashes into the street.
She cannot imagine a time when she didn't know him, and she burns inside. She was twenty one, younger than that woman, when they met. She thought permanence was inevitable. They were magnetic forces. Separate. Come together. Separate. Come together.
That woman disrupted nature.
'Cause the love that you gave that we made
wasn't able to make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, 'til you died
But you're still alive
In the middle of long nights, where her only companions were fantasies of him, and bitterness, she wished he would have died. He could have died and she would have known he was loyal to her. To them. Instead, she watched them day by day, mimicking the tides.
That woman recreated nature.
Unnatural nature.
And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know
She showed up at his office and threw open the door. There's a satisfying thwack as it hit him - standing behind the door - and she smirked as she closed the door behind her. That woman was shut outside.
You seem very well, things look peaceful
I'm not quite as well, I thought you should know
Did you forget about me, Mr. Duplicity
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner
It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced
Are you thinking of me when you fuck her
He recoiled at her attack. She screamed at him. He neglected them for her. She called him a bastard. She called him a sleazy politician who wanted to fuck his secretary and screw over his girlfriend. She threw verbal barbs at him, and then a photograph of that woman perched on his desk. She slammed out the door as the glass of the frame shattered behind her.
Like a window.
'Cause the love that you gave that we made
wasn't able to make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, 'til you died
But you're still alive
She cried on the train to New York.
She wrote that woman a letter on the subway to her loft in SoHo.
She burned the letter in the empty bathtub of the barren space.
She called late at night and left him a message.
She was fire. He would get burned.
And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know
She thought back to the last time. it was that woman's fault then, too. He had no problem running a campaign and stripping off his clothes in her hotel room.
Until that woman walked into his office.
She nashed her teeth. He replaced her with a homeless urchin with willowy legs and blond hair. She felt like an idiot.
She took him back when that woman left.
He left when that woman returned.
'Cause the joke that you laid in the bed that was me
And I'm not gonna fade
As soon as you close your eyes and you know it
And every time I scratch my nails down someone else's back
I hope you feel it... well can you feel it
Some anonymous naked man lay sprawled on her bed. She had come, screaming, and was certain she had called him Josh. She didn't care. The man in her bed was one of a dozen. He was dispensable.
And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know
And she burned.
And she screamed.
Perfect
Mallory McGarry O'Brien
She was six and lonely.
Daddy was there for her.
His perfect little girl.
Sometimes is never quite enough
If you're flawless, then you'll win my love
Don't forget to win first place
Don't forget to keep that smile on your face
She was nine and he was angry. And drunk.
She'd managed a 3.95. It was a tough school. All girls. Catholic.
He didn't care.
Her mother had tucked her in and turned off the lights. Then mother told her to try a little harder. Make daddy happy, dear.
Be a good boy
Try a little harder
You've got to measure up
And make me prouder
She had been livid. He was supposed to help run the country and he couldn't give a tour to fourth graders. Idiot! How did the Secret Service let him in the front gates every morning? She lashed out at him. She wanted him to be perfect, not simply perfect looking. Eye candy. That wasn't good enough.
How long before you screw it up
How many times do I have you tell you to hurry up
With everything I do for you
The least you can do it keep quiet
She kept coming around, and he was never grateful. Never grateful to her. She kept forgiving him, and he wasn't grateful. He had argued with her. School vouchers. He was an idiot if he thought they were a good idea.
He made a fool out of her. He was smarter. He argued for the hell of it. She was bitter. He measured up.
The opera.
But no sex. He wasn't worthy yet.
Be a good girl
You've got to try a little harder
That simply wasn't good enough
To make us proud
Or she wasn't worthy yet. She had to be a good girl. She had to wait for enough time to pass before she could be bad. Before she could risk disappointing him.
And he went to a hooker over and over again.
I'll live through you
I'll make you what I never was
If you're the best, then maybe so am I
Compared to him compared to her
I'm doing this for your own damn good
And then he was gone and there was Richard.
He still looked damn good in a tuxedo, and she ached.
You'll make up for what I blew
What's the problem... why are you crying
And she was six, and she was lonely, and her father took a drink.
He bellowed through the house. She wasn't pretty enough. She wasn't smart enough. She wasn't good enough, nice enough, strong enough, weak enough, feminine enough.
Be a good boy
Push a little farther now
That wasn't fast enough
To make us happy
We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect
He was her father and her ex husband and her lover and her friend and he wasn't perfect.
She walked away.
Bitter taste in her mouth.
She wasn't perfect enough for them.
Hand in My Pocket
Donnatella Moss
I'm broke but I'm happy
I'm poor but I'm kind
I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah
He shrunk her down to size. He was brilliant. He was funny. He was handsome. He was a medical student. She was plain. She was dull. She was gangly. She was a dropout. He was an ass. She was a fool.
Then she walked away.
I'm high but I'm grounded
I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed
I'm lost but I'm hopeful baby
Her car held two cardboard boxes of clothes on the floor in the back seat. Her grandmother's quilt lay on the back seat with a neck pillow and a set of headphones. When she was ready to sleep, she would pull over to a rest stop and climb into the back.
She kept her books in the trunk, and a stuffed teddy bear on the passenger seat.
Then she crossed her fingers.
What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five
And when she doubted and retreated and learned from her mistake, he made it easy for her to come back.
To come home again.
I feel drunk but I'm sober
I'm young and I'm underpaid
I'm tired but I'm working, yeah
The fatigue was settled deep into her bones. Her shoulders ached. Her pocketbook was empty. Her eyes burned. It felt good to be important. To be useful.
But it wouldn't hurt if he gave her a raise.
I care but I'm restless
I'm here but I'm really gone
I'm wrong and I'm sorry baby
What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be quite alright
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is flicking a cigarette
She had started smoking again, outside the hospital. She and Toby started taking cigarette breaks together. He brought his cigars back from the office. She bummed cigarettes off the hospital staff. One of the janitors bought her an entire pack eleven hours into the surgery. By hour fourteen, it was half empty.
She quit cold turkey all over again. He woke up and smiled at her and all was right with her world. Everything was gonna be alright.
What it all comes down to
Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving the peace sign
She wanted to be strong for him. She'd never been strong before and it was a novel feeling. It was easy to wish for peace on earth that Christmas, but it was easier yet to wish for peace in their lives. She was just starting to figure it all out. She could be strong for him. For her.
I'm free but I'm focused
I'm green but I'm wise
I'm hard but I'm friendly baby
I'm sad but I'm laughing
I'm brave but I'm chicken shit
I'm sick but I'm pretty baby
And she kept crying into her pillow because every time she told him to gather his roses, his denials were less vocal.
What it all boils down to
Is that no one's really got it all figured out just yet
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is playing the piano
What it all comes down to my friends
Is that everything's just fine fine fine
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is hailing a taxi cab
She had left home and come here.
Now she was home.
With him.
And she was strong.
Right Through You
Claudia Jean Cregg
Wait a minute man
You mispronounced my name
You didn't wait for all the information
Before you turned me away
Mass Communications 120. Introduction to Public Relations.
Her professor leered at the women in the class - all three of them. Then he called the class to order and asked how on earth the girls would be able to control an unruly and crude bunch of reporters. Why, the girls would blush and stammer and tell all, because they were girls.
The two others blushed and sunk deeper into their desks.
She stood up on her long legs and stared him down.
Wait a minute sir
You kind of hurt my feelings
You see me as a sweet back-loaded puppet
And you've got meal ticket taste
She cursed Isabel the whole way home. She was certain the taxi driver learned a few new words in English. He probably didn't need to know words like that. Damn Isabel for listening to the pompous bastard. He made bad movies and got bad reviews with bad actors and bad scripts. What did he expect her to do?
I see right through you
I know right through you
I feel right through you
I walk right through you
He was older and rounder and married. He was an open book. She jerked him along, and he played into her hand. He was younger then, and he embodied the worst stereotypes.
Then he invited her into his arena.
She was in love with power politics.
You took me for a joke
You took me for a child
You took a long hard look at my ass
And then played golf for a while
The candidate wasn't in love with her. Her friends were men, and they were taken seriously. The candidate called her girl and young lady, and asked what she thought she was doing when she sat in the staff meetings.
Her older and rounder and balder friend told the candidate where he could get off.
She decided she's been wrong. She was an adult. She could admit it. He smiled. He forgave her. He introduced her to his wife who taught her how to play power politics while keeping the men in fear.
You shake is like a fish
You pat me on the head
You took me out to wine dine 69 me
But didn't hear a damn word I said
She was bitter then, and she was bitter when he waltzed up to her at the Kennedy Center and insinuated that she was the kind of person to act like him.
He'd left her with bills he'd run up, and the knowledge that he'd fuck anything that moved. Her next five lovers told her she was great in bed and she learned to ignore all memory of him, except to think of him as the Tad-pole when she ran in to his other girls. After all, size does matter.
I see right through you
I know right through you
I feel right through you
I walk right through you
He had been siting next to her pool, and she'd fallen into it in surprise. He was back, and he wanted her to be the go-to girl. He thought she could control the sound bites from a national campaign.
Her chest swelled with pride. When she packed, she left Isabel's phone number, and Tad's pictures behind.
Hello Mr. Man
You didn't think I'd come back
You didn't think I'd show up with my army
And this ammunition on my back
Now that I'm Miss Thing
Now that I'm a zillionaire
You scan the credits for your name
And wonder why it's not there
Yes, she was right. He was an arrogant ass hole. Who did he think he was, walking up to her at the Kennedy Center. When the dial tone had sounded in her ears, she'd been angry. It dissipated. Her bald friend had hung up because he knew she could handle herself as well as any man. It had been a compliment.
Good in bed had been an insult.
She filed a grievance with the State Department when she returned to her office. In the White House.
I see right through you
I know right through you
I feel right through you
I walk right through you
And she smiled.
Winner take all.
You Learn
Andrea Wyatt Ziegler
I recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyone
I recommend walking around naked in your living room
Swallow it down (what a jagged little pill)
It feels so good (swimming in your stomach)
Wait until the dust settles
He had walked all over her. She knew it hadn't been intentional. That just made the throbbing pain worse. She bit the bullet and rented an apartment in Foggy Bottom. Then she moved her stuff out. The first few months were excruciating.
Then she learned to appreciate her new freedom
She slept in granny panties and ratty nightgowns that she loved to curl up in. She closed the windows and drapes when it rained and lounged around the living room in the nude. She put her own message on the machine, and worked all night when she felt like it.
You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn
After the papers were signed, she locked her front door and screamed until her throat was raw. When the nosebleed began, she calmed her self down and tipped her head forward, letting the blood drip on to a towel. She spent three hours in the shower, cold water pounded her skin. She cried before falling asleep, and laughed when she woke up.
I recommend biting off more that you can chew to anyone
I certainly do
I recommend sticking your foot in your mouth at any time
Feel free
Throw it down (the caution block you from the wind)
Hold it up (to the rays)
You wait and see when the smoke clears
She was a United States Congresswoman. She was not defined by the men in her life. He was gone, and she was here. He morphed into a drunk. She stepped into her office. She threw down the gauntlet and found herself on the Ethics Committee and president of the women's caucus.
She didn't fight the frustration. On days when she was frustrated, she could pound her fists and beat her desk and no one would shout at her to be quiet. He would not shout at her to be quiet.
You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn
When her child had died, she had felt helpless. When she signed him up for the Board, she had felt powerful. Someone else's child might be saved, and someone's else's marriage might not disintegrate, and he would come to her to ask her help because she was a player and he was a broker and that was the way of the world.
You grieve you learn
You choke you learn
You laugh you learn
You choose you learn
You pray you learn
You ask you learn
You live you learn
She learned.
She still loved him.
She still hated him.
But she had learned from him.
Head Over Feet
Ainsley Hayes
I had no choice but to hear you
You stated your case time and again
I thought about it
She had known he was making fun of her. Young, blond, and Republican - he thought she was easy. Easy to beat. Easy to win over. She wasn't.
You treat me like I'm a princess
I'm not used to liking that
You ask how my day was
He was persistent. He threw her a party. He decorated the Steam Pipe Trunk Distribution Center. He made his friends like her, and forgave her for her haste in defending the guns - although she would do it again.
She felt pretty around him. She felt smarter around him. She felt stronger and wiser and thinner and funnier around him.
She was coming to adore him for it.
You've already won me over in spite of me
Don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all you fault
She wanted to hate him. He invited the President down to visit her and let her perform the Bossa Nova in her bathrobe. She couldn't hate him. He was trying to be kind. He was trying to be sweet. He might not be the master of all things, but he was damn close to being the master of her heart.
You love is thick and it swallowed me whole
You're so much braver than I gave you credit for
That's not lip service
She watched him eating sweet and sour chicken with chopsticks. He was trying to bring in the funny. She was too busy to laugh. She was otherwise occupied watching his lips. The coffee run had to be delayed while she tasted the remnants of the sticky sauce still clinging to his lips. She grinned knowingly for days when she thought about coffee breaks.
You've already won me over in spite of me
Don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all you fault
He said it was her fault. She was too hypnotic to be Republican. She told him it was her way of recruiting. Plus it was his fault for being beautiful. She was just acting her part.
He was cute when he blushed.
You are the bearer of unconditional things
You held your breath and the door for me
Thanks for your patience
She couldn't believe he'd been able to see past Capitol Beat. She couldn't believe he listened to her. She couldn't believe he was scared she'd turn him down.
You're the best listener that I've ever met
You're my best friend
Best friend with benefits
What took me so long
She took them over the edge. He hadn't put up much of a fight to stay on the right side of safe. He'd conserved his energy for her. She was delighted. She was demanding. He was hers, and she was glad.
I've never felt this healthy before
I've never wanted something rational
I am aware now
I am aware now
She smiled as she watched him walk away. He looked damn good. And he was hers.
You've already won me over in spite of me
Don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all you fault
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